what should i feel *trigger*

[Donna]

** please dont read if child abuse triggers**

i have been off sex for a long time now, it's gotten that bad that i dont even want to 'get better' in that area again, im tired of it ive spent almost all my life having to do it, im 39 and started around the age of 5! and ive just had enough..want to retire lol.
i just went from one extreme to the other, i cant even do it anymore i just have panic attacks and get scared and it's like it's not me, i just see myself as a child in a dark corner everythings in black and white and im wrapped in a blanket not moving or breathing just watching.

ive never felt dirty or ashamed about sex which is supposedly the 'normal' feelings you're supposed to have after abuse (i hate that term in regard to me it doesnt seem right) rape and all that stuff.isnt it?
but i do feel regret, it wasnt really my fault when it first started i was only little but i think i made it worse by encouraging it after a while, i expected it (it was a family member) and i think i thought in my mind that if i initiated it it didnt seem so bad, but i didnt do myself any favours cos i just made things worse and put myself in some stupid situations.I even taught other children things.

until i hit puberty i tried it on with every adult man i came into contact with..especially my dad! (who had absolutely no idea about anything and wasnt involved!) how nobody noticed i dont know maybe they thought i was a bit precocious or something i dont know.I felt terribly rejected when they didnt actually do anything and that something must be wrong with me, i tried being sexy 'naughty' flirting just about anything to the best ability that a child can,but none of them ever took me up on it and that hurt badly...yet the one person that did respond was the one person i didnt want to even though i still did it anyway.

i had a 'flashback' sometime ago totally out of the blue..it scared the sh!t out of me, it wasnt from the regular stuff but from someone totally different my friend and her grandad, at first it was just little vague things and i thought i was going crazy imagining things that wernt real but eventually it all kind of came into my head in one blast, sights sounds even smells and tastes and little minor details and i was a bit more certain that it wasnt imaginary.

i thought i was evil,sick and was making things up in my head, but i casually brought up this particular person to my mum and she told me that he'd been jailed for abusing his granddaughter (my friend) id often wondered why they suddenly moved out of the area lol so now im more convinced that im not being delusional which is a bit of a relief because the idea of having false 'memores' in my head like that just seems sick and disgusting.

even though i dont feel dirty or shame or anything like that i do feel weird about it all, because i cant understand how come it happened to me so many times, i cant understand how i let it,why i did it and what i dont understand most of all is why i seem to invite it.

it just seems too unbelievable, from the age of 5 til 14 my 'uncle' was doing all kinds of things, at 9 my friends grandad did what he did, at 16 i was made to give oral to 3 guys i worked with in the toilets, at 17 i was kidnapped raped and almost killed. and the list just goes on!
i had 9 yrs with my ex husband who was the same, i just really dont understand it..how one person can put themselves in that position over and over and it's not like i couldnt defend myself i could fight with the best of them in 'ordinary' situations and often did.

sex has always been my only sort of way in life, in fact it seemed the only thing to do, i actually thought that thats what women did and should do..i even did it in various forms for a living until having my children.. it's crazy, then i wonder now why im tired of it all and im not sure that i ever actually liked it, my body reacted like it's supposed to but thats all and i have never gone in for the touchy feely making love stuff that just makes me cringe and get angry.

im not sure why im writing all this cos im not upset im not angry,not sad nothing.. i dont really feel anything except bewilderment about it all, it's just kind of spewing out, like i was writing a shopping list or something.
i think im just totally messed up,maybe i just need to say it and hear that im normal that im not messed up - i honestly dont know.

arnt i supposed to have some kind of feelings about it other than this confusion and want to at least want to try have sex again? cos right now i just wish sex hadnt ever been invented im sick of it being in my head all the time.

[GingerSnap]

Oh, Donna: I just wanted to let you know that I read your post. I think it is good to write out your thoughts whatever they are. My only thought was that I wish you could have been my little girl so I could have protected you or tried to. Don't blame yourself for any of that. When we looked at adopting children, the ones that had been sexually abused, it was so sad and so wrong. A child is innocent when it comes to these things. I am not saying you are a sex addict, not at all, I am not a sex addict but I found that reading the website that my husband is working through, www.recoverynation.com has so much to offer in the way of explaining the effects of sexual abuse and where it takes some people and how to change things around if you are wanting to do that. I read lessons on both sides: the recovery and the healing side. It is really interesting. I never totally support anything, too opinionated to do that (makes me a pain in the butt, I know). As you have read, my husband has sexual issues of which I read the prognosis for recovery is "poor" but I found one of the lessons that has convinced me that if he wants it, that he can turn this around and enjoy not only sexual intimacy but intimacy (Lesson 39, recovery side) - this is really hard for him since his family was emotionally dead and I seen some weird and inappropriate stuff happening that was accepted as "normal", I don't think so. Donna, I like you, enjoy your posts because you put yourself out there in order to reach out to others and this rather long and probably dull post is all I have to offer. Cathy

[Donna]

H Cathy,

Thankyou for replying i really appreciate it,it definately wasnt dull at all.
I had a quick look at recoverynation and bookmarked the link and am going to look at it fully later, thankyou :) i havnt come across a site like that before.
I hope it does help you and your husband, if the prognosis is poor but he works hard at it hopefully you will get there .

btw i like your reason for editing it made me laugh!

I expected if anything to be criticised, rejected or ignored because i havnt reacted the the way im supposed to or like other people do - and im still not really sure why i did post it, it's just in my head a lot lately it never used to be but i think thats because i have had enough of sex and am at a point now where i dont want even to try to get that back to normal which i feel a lot of guilt about as i know im supposed to.
i see what other people are going through yet i am the exact opposite,and then i feel bad for even daring to remember things about my past like i dont have the right and i should not consider myself as having had some not very pleasant times.
But it keeps niggling at me that i should do and then everything would be normal again in the bedroom because it's not very fair on my b/f.

I dont know, im just tired my heads tired - that probably doesnt make sense sorry it's all muddled up really and im just mumbling nonsense.

[GingerSnap]

Donna: Never feel bad about speaking from your heart. My husband has admitted that he likes the control and gets a high from humiliating me with his "issue" and that he feels that I don't show him love and admiration - you can't get any more mixed up then that!:confused: You have a right to a voice in what has happened to you and as I said, that you put yourself really out there, is probably helping so many more than you know as they read your posts and identify with them and realize that they were not the only one. You'd be surprised how often that happens. So, you go ahead and express yourself. Cathy

[ASchwartz]

Hi Donna,

I always prefer the use of the word "survivor" rather than victim and the term "survivor of abuse" rather than anything else. What you experienced and survived was abuse and, indeed, you are a survivor, meaning that you are tough in a good way.

There is no right way or wrong way to think, react or feel about these things. I applaud you for letting us know about the awful things that happened to you. I suspect (guess) that your eating disorder may have resulted from these things.

Great job, Donna and thank you for telling us about yourself.

Allan