Born To Be Abused

[Dawn_40]

That's what I feel like. I thought my dad a monster & went about finding out why. There are several explanations but it don't make it any better. It don't change facts. The fact is I have a father out there who don't know jack about me or mine. I doubt he remembers our b-days & he's even lost our phone number. I've never had his work number. He never was & never will be much concerned. No matter how old you get...it still hurts.

My lil bro & I have this but we also have other family members who hate our dad the monster. My oldest bro tells me if he ever sees my dad again he'll kill him. My next oldest has simply blamed us for every mistake either parent ever made. There was such jealousy...& not just for me but then next my own daughter...granny's favorite. All 3 females were blamed/resented/hated.

Next we had a step-dad who had us convinced we were stupid, lazy, & worthless just like our dad. He would drive a wedge between my mom & I almost their entire relationship. This left me with basically no help/support/back-up.

So in every relationship I've had since I've been on my own. I raised a sick kid by myself & if people messed with us then they messed with us...be that men, be that friends, be that teachers, be that doctors, or be that gov't/state help agencies or orgs. We've been on our own.

In 2004 my mom died suddenly. I would disown most of my whole family...the few still living anyway. We just thought we were on our own...now we really know. It's amazing the amount of people who take advantage today...including men.

I've recently been given an eviction notice for complaining about my environment & some bad apple neighbors. A couple I met yesterday (neighbors) who were supposedly out to help/defend me managed to rip off pain pills while they were here. I just got a prescription the other day while I was at the ER. Here I am sick/disabled & in need of serious help & they're ripping me off while I'm being evicted for trying to defend people's rights. Then they have the nerve to ask me to play their taxi. I think both need to see jail today. Evidently this is what it will take for some people.

[Proverbs31:28]

Its funny, when I read your post I literally had to go back and re-read it because it is the first time I have read anything remotely similar to my family situation.

My parents remain married through our childhood, but it was much as you described. I have 3 brothers. My father would frequently drive wedges between my mom and I- he did not like us to do anything together that may cause us to bond. He wanted each of us loyal to him but not to each other. He also compartmentalized my brothers and I, giving us each labels, and when we failed him, he let us know. Big time. I was the "smart one." I knew early on I HAD to get good grades. One of my earliest memories is when I was in 3rd grade, walking home from school, and I pulled one of my graded papers out of my folder and threw it away. I had gotten a "C" and was terrified of what would happen if I brought it home.

My dad called each of us kids names. All the time. Me he called "wide load" and "thunder thighs" and said he would have to hang a pork chop around my neck to get a man to marry me. I remember this as far back as age 5-6.

My dad finally walked away from our family in 1998. Several times we let him back in but, in the end, it was too much emotional turmoil and my mother gave him an ultimatum. He divorced my mom then married his mistress. Later, my mom became the mistress and they eventually remarried. He has never offered any apology and, even though I forgave him, he has not changed one bit and is still the mean, hurtful, controlling man he was during my childhood. I therefor had to sever my relationship with him for the sake of my kids, which means I have severed my relationship with my mother as well. So, though she is still living, she has sided with my father and therefor is out of my life.

I am divorced and raising 2 kids with medical needs. My oldest has had a life filled with hospitals, doctors and surgeries (6 at last count, 3 of them for a heart defect) and my youngest has issues with her ears and sinuses. Both have asthma and respiratory problems. But, they are the light of my life and I would never subject them to the kind of outbursts and pure meanness I experienced as a child.

I am currently living with family because I live on disability and simply have not been able to afford decent housing. I feel like we have nothing of our own. Even though I pay rent to live here, I still feel like I have no rights.

I struggle with anxiety, panic attacks and major depressive episodes. I don't know how much of it is related to my formative years but I can't imagine my childhood did not have some affect on me. When I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder in 2004, the doctor asked some questions about my childhood- like did I black out (I did- nobody knew why), did I get anxious in certain situations, how did I handle stress, etc.- and he believes I have been suffering from GAD since childhood and that the repressed GAD is what led to my depression.

I am not one to share many intimate details of my life. But, I guess I opened up a little because your story sounded so familiar and I kinda feel like I know some of what you may be experiencing. I am currently in the middle of a depressive episode and find it difficult to talk to many people, but I will try my best to be a source of support.