I really need help....

[PsychoticSaint]

I don't even know where to start - but I need help and feel so overwhelmed...

I guess if I were to sum it up I'd say that I have this sort of self destructive side that used to manifest itself in substance abuse, self harm, and these types of issues; I am clean and sober now except for legal medication; one of which is an opiate; methadone to be specific - but I'm slowly titrating down and hope to one day be completely clean... but that's not my main problem... though it is something that is part of the picture for lots of reasons; the stigma, I actually have had some psychiatrists refuse to see me until I "dealt with my addiction issues" which is so frustrating as I've dealt with my addiction issues for so many years and it's not lack of effort that makes it so that I've had the most success with methadone - I was completely clean for a few years but that time was riddled with relapse - I haven't had a single relapse since being on methadone but I hate being on it; I feel like a failure sometimes - other times I don't - I mean on the one hand I know from my own first hand experience that progress is progress and I shouldn't knock it if it's getting good results; I guess in part I let the 'stigma' get to me - and also deep down I know that I can and will get past it and be free of it completely and I guess I get impatient that I'm not there yet. I just don't know. I just do NOT understand myself. All I know is that I'm miserable.

What scares me is how my self destructiveness manifests now - it seems that I am compelled to neglect myself - I refuse to take care of myself - I just don't know how to explain it - but I have the strangest behavior -
I just can't seem to care enough about myself to do the most basic things.

I have so much more distrust of people - way more than I ever used to - I am always alone - I isolate and have developed the strangest fears. I am sometimes afraid to even go outside, I'm afraid to answer my phone, check my mail - I won't clean my house - I won't do basic things that are good for me. I eat the worst food if I eat at all - I either don't eat or I eat bad food for 'comfort' - I cry alot. I've lost all my ... all my courage, all my spirit, all my dreams all my passion. I can't do anything anymore - I can't do art, or music, things I used to be crazy about - I don't want to be in social situations, I won't go to Church anymore - I can't be happy for other people, I am afraid of the future, I feel ashamed of the past. I'm afraid of water (this is a weird one and hard to explain but I have to plan for a whole day to 'gear up' or 'psych out' for getting in the shower ... this is strange I know... but it might be partly because I have this health problem that makes my legs look real bad and maybe it's that I don't want to be reminded of my disease... I just don't know what it is - I used to absolutely LOVE the water... I swam every day - now I have to psych out as if I was I dunno - jumping off the high dive or walking a tight rope - I'm just scared silly of it. I'm telling you it's the strangest behavior).

I'm miserable.

I'm not suicidle because I'm too afraid of death.

I've tried to get into therapy a couple of times but always end up having problems with paying for it, or something... if it's not one thing it's another... I had one therapist that I was going to and man I was making some headway I told her things that I didn't even fully even realize myself yet I mean I felt like I was making some break throughs but then she moved her office to the South part of town, and I was without transportation; a three hour bus ride made it impossible to go - then to make it even harder she raised her prices - I had to stop going - it's like every time I try to go to therapy something gets in the way or I have to chose between food or therapy or rent and therapy - of course my basic needs have to come first so ... it never seems to go my way...

I don't want to be guilty of self diagnosis, but I have my own ideas of where it might all come from - but have no one to talk to.

I just feel like I'm going crazy....

Seeing it in print it looks silly and trivial but I promise it's not; it's horrible - it's a nightmare and I'm miserable.

I don't know what to do.

:(

I don't care if I'm not 100% happy all the time, and believe me I've been cured of my wild dreams - I mean to say that I've grown up alot and have more or less come to terms with the fact that there are always aspects of life that I'll just have to accept and - oh I don't know what I'm trying to say...
I guess I just mean to say that I can handle alot I just can't handle being miserable all the time.
Sometimes I remind myself of the patients I'd see when I did hospice work that had "Failure to Thrive" it's like I just give up.

...but that's not even the scary part - the scary part for me is that I neglect to take care of myself - I just don't understand my behavior - I guess it isn't that it's so important that I understand it but it is important that I change it; I keep trying, and I start to make progress - but then I just get all screwed up again. I just don't know what to do any more. I know it's not hopeless but I feel so hopeless sometimes.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense but I just have a lot of pain; and I really want so much to have life again. What's wrong with me?

[ASchwartz]

Hello Psychoticsaint,

Welcome to our community,

First, let me say that what you posted is very emotional, very real and very impressive. In no way is what you wrote unclear or silly. In fact, I sense that you are very hard on your self and that is part of what your struggle is.

With regard to Methadone, there are two professional opinions about it:

1. Some psychiatrists, and other mental health professionals are convinced of its value in preventing those addicted to opioids from relapsing and
2. There are other professionals who are convinced that people are better off without it and should become free of that as well as the other opioids.

It is true that if you can become free of Methadone and remain free of it and all addictive substances for two full weeks, you would be able to use one of the new medications that is non addictive and blocks the cravings for opioids.

I am unlcear why psychiatrist have not wanted to see you until you are off of methadone. Many psychiatrists treat people for depression and even though they are on it. The heath center you go to for the methadone should have a psychiatrist who can help you with the symptoms you describe. Also, there could be a mental health clinic in your neighborhood that could treat you.

I mention this because it is possible that what you are describing are symptoms of depression. I cannot say that for sure because I do not know you but it's important that you be evaluated so that, if it is depression, you could receive the right treatment. Also, your local not for profit mental health agency would provide psychotherapy. If you are on Medicaid and Disability, your treatment would be paid for.

We are glad you are here and want you to continue to post.
What about the suggestions I have listed?

Others have any ideas??

Allan

[PsychoticSaint]

Hi Allan! Thanks for your kind, friendly response.
Thanks for making me feel welcome and for being supportive.
I sincerely appreciate your reply. I'm especially appreciative that you're not judgemental about methadone; it so happens that I've seen lots of anti methadone groups forming lately and I've on occasion tried to have some sort of discussion with some of them; sadly there are lots of folks that think methadone is the scourge of the earth and those who use it as part of a treatment plan as scum. Some people just have the most draconian concepts when it comes to addicition. There is just no compassion for the suffering addict; I know that we all make decisions, and choices in life that we must answer to, but when it comes to addicition issues there seems to be an awful lot of moralizing. People seem to think we truly want to be addicted. Believe me it's no picnic. I may have had a casual attitude about drugs when I was younger but I certainly didn't aspire to be a junky when I grew up, I don't think anyone does.

Anyway... yes I've had counselors at my treatment facility but they're not usually very well equipped to handle psychological issues. I had one very good therapist, but she is the one that moved to the other side of town and began charging more. At the time though I didn't have transportation.

It's only recently that I bought a car and it hadn't occurred to me until now that this is one more thing I'll be able to do now; as long as money isn't an issue. I've not been able to see her because I didn't have a way to get there. She was actually my counselor at the clinic but a certified Therapist. When she moved her office to the other side of town she no longer worked at the clinic and began working as a Therapist only. I think I'll call her tomorrow and see if maybe she'll work something out with me. She was actually one of the best I've ever had. I remember crying during several of my sessions which might not exactly sound like fun but I did come to realize a few things and make what felt like progress; though I'm still perplexed as to why what can seem like an epiphany in the counseling session isn't always enough to motivate or somehow help facilitate significant change. I loved my sessions with her and felt like I was realizing a few things; I remember especially getting in touch with some of my fear and realizing how much of my fear was just blown out of proportion: like it was as if there was fear of fear, and fear of that, and as I sort of peeled away each layer of fear what was at the core wasn't really that big of a deal; worse yet if anything ends up being a problem it's usually only because I've neglected it out of this insane fear of fear of fear. Well... I still realize this is true; but I just can't seem to do a damn thing about it. I don't know if she would have been able to help me with that part of it or not but I was really sad when she moved.

[SuziQ]

Hi Psychotic Saint

You sound a little less stressed in your last post. I hope so. It is very hard to have been an addict. And I remember all the fears I once had. One technique that a therapist had me use helped a lot. I was to write down what had me all upset on any given day and then put it in a drawer and not look at it for a month. Then pull it out and see how the situation was a month later. I remember well, about a year after I stopped using, a day spent calling friends, etc because my boss had asked me to come into his office after I finished work that day. I just KNEW he was going to fire me. Turns out he wanted me to attend a function with him as he was recently separated and didn't know any women to ask. My view of myself and his view of me were very different. I was the one putting myself down. We don't have a label on us and no one knows unless we tell them. I won't comment on methodone as it was not available back then. Everyone has an opinion about just about everything so just do what you need to do. They don't pay your bills. I'm sure if you use NA, you will catch a lot of flack--so use something different for your back-up support.

I'm old now and those years are way behind me, I thought, until one day, at a very nice lunch with my grandaughter and her boyfriend (both attending Univ of Calif) she turned to me and said "Grandma, what was it like to use heroin?". That was at least 25 yrs after I stopped, so maybe her dad told her. But, I no longer felt guilty, so I could answer her and tell her that it was not something she should try.

I also know that recovery from drug addition is long---not the physical, but the mental. Time will heal you and hope will sustain you. I still occasionally help others because I still remember how hard it was.

I wish you love and understanding--especially from yourself to yourself.

SuziQ