A lil help plz

[ms.sarahann]

Hello,

I just came across this site, which is pretty much exactly what I've been looking for. A little background first: I'm turning 20 and I live w/ my fiance, we've been together a year and a half this month. He is 8 years older than me. The past about 6 months him and I have hit the bottom financially and eventually in our relationship as well. I was pushing my fiance away and not even realizing it. This isn't really a relationship problem b/c we recently talked and have been doing great duh to some much needed changes on both our parts. However, one night he expressed his concern of me possibly being bipolar. Of course at first I didn't want to think about it but know I'm wondering what really is wrong w/ me. At times it doesn't take much to make me upset, a few weeks ago I broke down crying and couldn't pin point the exact reason of me being that upset. I hate myself a lot b/c I don't know why I do certain things, or act certain ways. I'm in this becoming an adult phase of life, and its really been hard on me. My emotions are like a roller coaster, and I'm seriously concerned b/c I don't want this to push my fiance away. I do see how it doesn't take much to upset me, most of my childhood was happy, my parents did divorce when I was younger, but I do remember when I was younger my angry being pretty bad, I would get mad and through things and break them in my room etc. In high school I started to cut myself, not to kill myself, but for some reason, it made me feel better. I didn't do it much, but recently in the past fights I've had at home, I find myself wanting to. I had a relationship right before this one, I saw my b/f then about once a week but was still telling him I needed space, around that time I was pretty depressed and had really reached the bottom. I felt completely alone, even though I had family and friends that cared about me all around me. A friend suggested then that I should look into help but I blew it off.
Basically, I'm wondering where do I start. We can't afford for me to go and talk to someone about it, so I'm hoping to get some input on if I'm bipolar, have severe depression, or if I'm just crazy. I will be honest tho, I smoke marijuana.. a lot actually. I am working on that habit right now, I haven't smoked today, and just feel down. I have a lot on my mind w/ this issue and other issues, I just am hoping someone can help explain why I feel this way. I have the most amazing person in my life, and don't want to lose him b/c he thinks I'm crazy. Thanks in advance for any help, its greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Sarahann

[kaudio]

Hello ms.sarahann, welcome to the community.

I find your "emotional rollercoaster" experience familiar. If people experience a good deal of stress, be it due to work or personal life, it's rather common to have that rollercoaster ride - like feeling fine at one part of the day and crying at another - when your needs are not being met. Try to run down the list of needs, like water, diet, and sleep. These three are rather important and I find that when I am stressed these tend to be slowly neglected.

Beyond your physical needs, you mention smoking marijuana on a regular basis. I'm not sure of the effects of daily marijuana use, but its psychoactive properties don't help in controlling your mood. You should contact some local addiction groups and really start kicking that habit as soon as possible. Start networking with these groups, set up some plans you have for yourself that you need to work on, and do them.

[Natalie]

Hi Sarahann-

Welcome to the community. It's hard to pinpoint your diagnosis without more information (and honestly, we are somewhat limited because we can't interact with you in person). Anyway, I encourage you to read our article on Bipolar Disorder to see if the symptoms described there do resemble your experience. People with Bipolar Disorder do experience extremes in mood (hi's and low's of mood and energy level). The up moods are called "mania" and these are characterized by decreased need for sleep, racing thoughts, inflated sense of self-esteem, poor judgment, etc. The low moods are depression, and involve sleep and appetite changes, feelings of guilt and/or worthlessness, decreased interest in things that used to give someone pleasure, etc. Cycling back and forth between these moods states is the hallmark of this illness.

The marijuana use is complicating the picture, as substances cause all sorts of mood changes, thinking problems, decreases in self-esteem, etc. It may not be clear what your exact diagnosis is until you are free from substances for a period of time to better understand your baseline (what you are really like "clean").

I encourage you to get some help in kicking your substance habit. Then seek out some sources for no or low cost mental health assessment to better determine what is going on. A community mental health center is a good place to start.