I don't know what's wrong here!!!

[MrKanista]

Hi I'm going through a bit of a confusing period in my relationship and I was hoping someone with a higher "emotional intelligence" than me might be able to help me a bit.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for just over 2 and a half years. In the last year or so we've been having some problems and they seem to mainly revolve around sex and, more specifically, the fact that I don't give her enough of it. And I'm not exactly sure why.

About a year ago I emigrated to her country of residence to be with her and it has pretty much started since then, I have been less interested in sex, I just don't feel like it so much anymore and when I do do it, it feels unexciting and like a chore and I am happy when its finished. I usually have to fantasise about other women too.

I was hoping maybe someone might be able to help find the cause of it? I guess it could be because the "honeymoon period" of our relationship is over and things have become more predictable etc. I guess it could also be because I am often depressed or stressed. And maybe also because I have found it difficult to settle in her country because of having to learn the language and finding it difficult to meet new people and have a proper life of my own. Sometimes I even think it is because I don't love her anymore and that I would prefer to be out there playing the field and experiencing things before settling down, but then other times I feel so in love with my girlfriend!!

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this in a relationship? Any help would be well received as I'm so confused!!

[Mark]

I'm thinking that the ideas you've described for why you might be less interested in sex are perfectly reasonable. Lots of things can reduce sexual drive; being depressed and/or worried/anxious is one of them. It is also true that some of the attractiveness of sex in a new relationship has to do with the novelty of your partner and the fact that sex is in short supply. When you are in a committed relationship of multiple years duration and also can have sex more or less when you want to, that the novelty aspect of it goes away and that can make it less exciting. Many people find that novelty is traded in for comfortableness which is good enough, but some other people crave more novelty and find it in a variety of outlets (such as by viewing porn).

I'm hearing that this problem may be more than just about sex, however. You're describing an ambivalence towards your girlfriend, and maybe a resentment over having to make the ongoing sacrifice of being out of your cultural comfort zone. It is perfectly possible to have mixed feelings towards a partner - both loving and caring, and also angry at the same time (or in rapid succession). If that is the case, as I suspect it is, then the lack of desire to be sexual with your girlfriend may reflect that upset or anger or whatever the feeling is, more than simply the other reasonable things that might suppress desire.

I'm of course not sure of any of this, but it's worth putting out there. Do you think any of this could be right?

[MrKanista]

I'm thinking that the ideas you've described for why you might be less interested in sex are perfectly reasonable. Lots of things can reduce sexual drive; being depressed and/or worried/anxious is one of them. It is also true that some of the attractiveness of sex in a new relationship has to do with the novelty of your partner and the fact that sex is in short supply. When you are in a committed relationship of multiple years duration and also can have sex more or less when you want to, that the novelty aspect of it goes away and that can make it less exciting. Many people find that novelty is traded in for comfortableness which is good enough, but some other people crave more novelty and find it in a variety of outlets (such as by viewing porn).

I'm hearing that this problem may be more than just about sex, however. You're describing an ambivalence towards your girlfriend, and maybe a resentment over having to make the ongoing sacrifice of being out of your cultural comfort zone. It is perfectly possible to have mixed feelings towards a partner - both loving and caring, and also angry at the same time (or in rapid succession). If that is the case, as I suspect it is, then the lack of desire to be sexual with your girlfriend may reflect that upset or anger or whatever the feeling is, more than simply the other reasonable things that might suppress desire.

I'm of course not sure of any of this, but it's worth putting out there. Do you think any of this could be right?

Thanks Mark, yes I think the novelty factor has a lot to do with it. Unfortunately my girlfriend is in her early 20s (i'm in my late 20s) and doesn't really like the trade off of comfort and I am also in 2 minds about it to be honest, sometimes I like it and sometimes I want novelty.

And to be honest I do harbour some resentments towards her for the sacrifice I have made and for other reasons, but if they affect my sex drive it must be on a more indirect, subconscious level, as I am never going into it thinking "I resent you for x, therefore i don't feel like sex". I guess I have to confront her about the resentments and try to resolve them, which is quite difficult for someone with a pathological fear of confrontation!!!

There have also been other stresses and pressures to do with living arrangements and my lack of any kind of social life since I have been here but I wasn't really sure if that was really an issue as I still harboured desires for other women.