Am I hopeless? no hope in sight...not sure where to go

[Broken]

I have finally lost all hope for myself...I dont know where to go or how to get help. I dont even know where I fit in these topic areas. My issues have progressed and I realized today that this started in my early 20s (I am 37 now). I used to exibit occasionnal binge eating, reclusiveness and hoarding trash/not cleaning and a general weird feeling like something was off. This would all happen at once first once every 6 months for a week or so, then ocurring more frequently as time slowly passed. This is now my entire life and then some. My sister passed away in 2004 and I think that my depression has increased, but all of these issues below have been occurring and getting worse and worse since before then, probably close to 8 years now regularly, but I think my mental illness (if that is what it is?) has been progressing for a good 14 years now.

I feel like I have ruined my life and that almost everything I do is damaging to myself.

I have the following issues and then some:

I binge eat most every meal now, I would say 95%, sometimes 100%; I feel I am starving all of the time. I weigh almost 300 lbs now. There was a time that I was able to diet sometimes, but I am no longer able to do it. I was once very beautiful - I was even an exotic dancer in an upscale gentleman's club in Dallas, Tx in my late teens/early 20s.

I have weird hair growth on my neck and face, horrible skin, toenail fungus and badly callous feet that I have had to accept for a good number of years since no treatments ever worked. I feel great shame in this along with my severly overweight body.

I cannot concentrate and feel confused ALL of the time. I cant complete anything I start. I am unable to complete menial, every day tasks like showering and brushing my teeth. I havent gotten the mail in almost 3 months and it has long been returned. I have money in the bank but cant bring myself to pay bills for months at a time and have ruined my credit. I fear I will lose my house or car someday. I cannot take pills or do anything that requires a routine. It almost makes me physically sick to perform anything in a routine manner...difficult to explain. I cannot wrap my head around anything anymore. I feel like if one little thing is off, like a lightbulb is burned out, that I cant change it, so everything else in a great chain of things has to also be off in order to balance it...i know...confusing and hard to put this into words.

I hoard trash and weird items in my home and car; I am unable to clean or do laundry; My cats poop on the floor, discusting smells come from the kitchen and I just leave it, I do horribly gross habits of leaving other unsanitary things around

I think I am a hardcore hypochondriac. There is always something wrong with me. Headaches, sleeping disorders, abdominal pains, lumps found on scans, etc. but each and every thing they tell me is 'idiopathic' but I feel real pain. But at each pain or problem I 'think' and hope that I am terminally ill, like I have a brain tumor or cancer, but tests dont show that I do. I wish I did. I fantasize and wish that I will have cancer or some terrible illness, I almnost get relief and excited when a pain comes so that I can think it could be serious.

I wish daily that I would be killed or could die in order to be free, but could not commit suicide as my sister died a few years ago and it would kill my parents to lose us both. I do have plans in my head that once they die I would.

I cant perform my job and fear I wont be able to fake it for much longer at my job. I expend so much energy trying to appear like I am doing my job that I feel I have none left over.

Sometimes I think about hurting other people, or wishing bad things would happen to them - but never my family or friends or animals (I love them). Mostly strangers, people who hurt my family in any way in the far past, someone who annoyed me or their bratty kids at the store or other random persons...I truly feel that I would never act on these thoughts though but get some kind of weird satisfaction in thinking them.

I am really messed up huh...I know I would be better off if I wasnt here on this earth as the pain I feel daily is just so overwhelming and no medication, treatments, anything have helped me. The last psychiatrist I went to diagnosed me with ADD and gave me ritalin and tried lots of different anti-depressents. I feel that I should be locked away somewhere for treatment, yet I am imprisoned in my own skin and home and job. If I did get better how would I learn to live normally again? I feel like I havent for so long that I wouldnt know where to start....and if I dont get better I dont know what is to become of me, but I cant live like this much longer. sorry for this long and pitiful message. I hope someone has some advice for me or if there are others like me out there that they share.

[kittenhugs]

(((hug)))

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain. But there is hope. There is help out there if you don't give up on yourself. You need to reach out to people that can help you. Find a good therapist that can help you cope with the loss of your sister and help you with your feelings of depression and self hate. Get a good pdoc that can help you find the right meds to help lift your mood and ease the confusion.

Have you ever given any thought to living in a group home for mentally ill? They could probably help you with taking your medication and taking care of your daily needs. You would also have the benefit of living with other people who have mental illness and then you wouldn't feel so alone. A therapist or social worker would know how to help you with this.

Keep in mind that no one is perfect. We all have imperfections in our skin. The faces you see in magazines and on TV have special lighting, photoshop, and makeup. Abnormal hair growth could be a sign of a hormonal imbalance or polycystic ovarian disease. Have you had these things checked out? What does your doctor say about the hair growth? Don't be ashamed to see someone about it.

Where do you live? If you don't want to tell us here you can email me and I'll see if I can find a mental health center near or in your city for you to go to. Do you have insurance or money to pay for help?

[SuziQ]

Hi there,

Well---You are damn courageous to tell about your situation. I am not far behind you---but I seem always to rally just in time

First---and I don't know how you're gonna swing it--but you need to hire someone to come in and clean the wreckage of your past from around you. You did not intend to make this mess--it just accumulated and now is FAR TOO MUCH for you to handle. I HATE housework and it is all I can do to not to get where you are. I cleaned the litter boxes today, but haven't taken the plastic bags outside yet.

I am a total failure at routine. I would make A/F on college essays--A for content, F for turning them in late--so it is not new for me. And that was fifty years ago. Hope this doesn't completely discourage you that it has lasted so long. I have been very attractive and have always had a weight problem. I eat to make myself happy or maybe just to fill up the empty spot inside. I weigh around 220 now, but managed for years to stay around 135.

There are some tricks I've learned. I don't pay bills. They are all taken out of my checking account by bill pay. I do have to check to see that there is money in the bank (the internet alerts me daily of my balance and keeps track of what I spend), so that is easy for me. Get your house payment, car payment and utilities on bill pay. At least that much will be safe. I didn't want to take the money out of my account. Now, I don't. The bank does it and my credit is fine.

I actually have managed to give my diabetic kitty her shots for well over a year---every day. I don't like to take regular meds either. I do not believe that I am mentally ill--but I sure am eccentric. I have used therapy--as a support for myself--and I do need support at times---and so do you. Grief can shut you down and you sound very shut down.

Oddly, there are many things that I do not procrastinate about. And, just as I accumulate junk, (but not trash) I accumulate bits and pieces of knowledge and my friends always call when they need to find something or know something.

I agree with kittenhugs that the hair growth sounds like a hormonal problem. That needs to be addressed, but I doubt it has much to do with your dislike of routine and housework. It might have something to do with weight and depression. She has offered to help you find a mental health clinic. LET HER HELP YOU.

I sincerely believe that if you can get that house cleaned---by someone else--a lot of pressure will be lifted. You may do it over again--so just hire someone every six months or so. When the junk is cleared away, I'll bet the binge eating will slow. You may never like housework and you may never like routine---but there are ways to deal with that Hire someone who does like it.

This does NOT mean that you do not need help NOW to change your thinking. You must get physical help to clear the mess away AND therapy to clear your thinking.

Don't give up ---there is an answer out there.

SuziQ

[Natalie]

Dear Broken-

Welcome to the community- I am sure it took a lot of courage to put all of that into writing in a public forum. I strongly encourage you to listen to the advice of Kittenhugs and SuziQ. The first place to start would be to get a full physical workup to make certain that there aren't any hormone imbalances, etc. that are going on. FYI hormones could be affecting mood, weight, and hair growth, so it's really important to bring that up with the dr.
Next, you need to seek out a mental health professional. It sounds to me like you could use an expert with a Cognitive Behavioral approach. This therapist could help you with your thoughts that keep you trapped and prevent you from getting things done. In addition, the therapist could help you form some realistic behavioral goals to make a difference. These strategies would positively impact your mood as well.

Have you ever been in psychotherapy?

[Broken]

Thank you for the encouragement and your suggestions and kindness.

I should mention that I have been to countless Drs for the physical symptoms and it has come down to just being unlucky, I merely mention them since they definitely add to my sense of self. I have not been in psychotherapy though I have been to pshychiatrists - no offense to those here but they usually spend 5-10 minutes talking to you and write an Rx that doesnt work and send you on your way to make way for the next patient. I have a great fear, knowing myself, that my issues will prevent me from staying committed to going to regular outpatient things (plus my job and commute). These problems I have make me feel like I have no sense of time and the hours are gone as I spend them trying to gather my thoughts. I know this probably seems like an excuse or cop-out, but it is my reality.

It is also not that I dislike doing these things, it is that I can't bring myself to do them. In fact, I actually like to clean and do laundry, etc. when my brain allows it. Taking pills isnt a dislike either, I dont mind it ever. I yearn for routine, I love it and remember it and want it. I certainly wish it were a simple dislike or laziness. It is as if there is something blocking inside of me to get to it or something. I know what I need to do at all times but I just cant do it or I get so incredibly stressed at the thought of small things, like getting the mail or changing the battery in the remote....

I also almost wish it was the grief that has 'shut me down' so that there would be a good reason for this, but I was this way before my sister passed. She was the only person who really knew all of this about me since it has been sort of a dirty little secret. I finally had to break down and tell my parents because they couldnt get through their heads why I cant do anything. They still dont understand at all but try to help. It is definitely something that I feel is unconscionable for most to understand.

My mother comes and helps to keep the house under control, cleans up, etc. at least once per week. Addressing the affects hasnt really helped the cause if you will.

I have insurance, but I also have a mortgage and all of that and no money that I could fall back on if I went somewhere so would probably lose my house and equity and all of that. I also have 2 kitties that are my loves and I think having them has probably kept me from completely going over the edge. I live alone and am my only source of income. Plus I need the job for the insurance and wouldnt be eligible for FMLA since I am there only 7 months (I was there 2 years and left for 6 months to work at another place and went back). Anyway...this is just part of the trap, such a vicious circle, ya know?

I will try to find someone [else] in my area as suggested and see if there is a starting point there. I live in northen VA in Loudoun county (far suburbs of D.C, but DC is not a convenient place to travel to) if anyone knows of a good place.

Thanks again and sorry to sound like such a whiner and excuse maker, just trying to help put this into more light in case anyone reads...

[kittenhugs]

I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like you have major depression. Depression always wants to stop you from living your life. With depression, every little thing can become a mountain to climb. Stress can feel overwelming. Depression can even cause you to have physical illness symptoms.

Here is a simple depression test you can do:
http://www.webmd.com/depression/depression-symptom-quiz

The good news is that there is help out there and depression is treatable. Just pick up the phone and take that hard step.

I did some searching for mental health services in VA. I might be able to help more if I knew what city. When you said D.C. I thought of Washington, but then you also said you live in VA. So I'm confused on that. Anyway I found some info on VA.

I don't know how much money you make, but maybe you would qualify for state funded assistance.

VA has 16 state psychiatric hospitals and training centers
http://www.dmhmrsas.virginia.gov/SVC-StateFacilities.htm

Have you given much thought into going into a hospital? I know it's scary but the people there can help you.

VA also has a community services board (CSB) for each county which is the single point of entry into publicly-funded mental health, mental retardation, and substance abuse services for its service area. CSBs provide pre-admission screening services 24-hours per day, 7 days per week.

Loudoun County CSB
Executive Director: Mr Thomas J Maynard
Email: tmaynard@loudoun.gov
906 Trail View Boulevard, SE, Suite C
Leesburg,VA 20175
Main Phone: (703) 777-0378

I think you could call them and they would be able to give you some services near you. You would also be able to find out if you qualify for state funded help.