Hi I'm new hoping to find some answers - long posts sorry.

[Rainbow]

Hi I'm new and I really dont know what to do about the way I feel or the way my life is going. I guess I'm hoping for some direction, answer or miracle cure but I know that just doesn't happen. I guess I'm hoping just sharing how I'm feeling might help.

OK this might take a while and if you can be bothered to read any further I thank you for toleratiing my ramblings.

I'm the youngest of 3 kids. Older brother is a high flying hot shot very academic who I have never even come close to. Not very bright next to him really. My middle brother died 2 years before I was born and we are never allowed to even mention his name which I've always found upsetting. Daft really as I never knew him but I guess my parents grief was always there below he surface. I've always been told I'm their blessing as if he hadn't died of cot death at 4 months they wouldn't have had me. Makes me have mixed feelings really knowing that a child had to die to make my exsistence possible. I grew up in a relatively happy home with a mother and father who had both suffered mental breakdowns. My mother has always been very difficult and to be honest despite what I'm sure were her best efforts I feel she failed me in many ways. She was agressive, always seemed to be shouting, used to hit us at times and her and my dad had fights you wouldn't believe. I've seen her attack him with a knife and try to jump out of a moving car. She never told me about the facts of life. When my periods started and I told her I was bleeding at the age of 10 I hadn't a clue and when she told me I may have cut myself i cant even describe the panic I felt. Dont get me wrong she put me straight on what it was when she realised and was great but I never really had any help in dealing with it. I also developed breasts really early. By age 12 I was a buxom c cup and while these days that may be seen as a positive I was a child trapped in a womans body and never knew how to deal with it. I also have a skin disorder (psoriasis) inherited from my mom. I dont blame her for it, thats life but she never supported me in dealing with it. I never got taken to the docs or made to feel it didnt matter. I have to admit to harbouring a lot of resentment which has in recent years increased.
Thankfully I was lucky enough in the midst of all this to meet amd marry someone who loves me no matter what.
Ok if your still with me there is the career i choose. I always wanted to follow in my dads footsteps and become a teacher. I did that although not in the area I wanted as I followed other peoples advice rather than my heart. I am not blaming others but myself as I should have shown some assertiveness. I did well on the course but despite being primary trained I couldnt get a job and ended up doing supply work. I ended up in a high school teaching a subject I'd failed at GCSE and to be honest I'm still there struggling in an environment in which I feel I dont belong. Its not my subject and when it comes to meetings I'm quiet as I'm afraid to speak. I've also lost my sparkle, the kids still like and respect me but I dont. I hate the way I cant handle conflict with collegues the way I have zero energy to complete marking or spend time on preparation as I should and as a result I'm failing as a teacher and I hate myself for that. I developed Psoriatic arthritis 6 years ago and since then I've missed quite a lot of work to do with the condition and if I'm honest because of depression, I literally couldn't face going in there some days. I feel I've taken so many wrong turns in life and I cant turn the clock back. I wish I was a damn good secretary on low income than a crap teacher with a good salary but who's going to willingly give up the salary and the holidays when I have kids to support.
The last 9 years have been like a downward spiral in which I have no control. My daughter was born under stressful circumstances and I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result. I'm diagnosing myself here as I use to have flashbacks to that medical room. It took me 3 years to even consider having another child and I have to admit to having felt nothing but fear when the stick showed positive. It soon turned horribly wrong though when I was admitted to hospital with an ectopic pregnancy and I still carry the grief and guilt of that. Then 4 years on I still couldn't concieve and and I felt terrible for my daughter that I couldnt give her a sibling. Feelings of fear at the reality of her being alone in the world after me and my husband were gone were terrible. The final suprise arrival of our son in 2006 was a blessing . I took a year off to raise him but going back to work has been horrendous and its just getting worse. The feelings of inadequacy, fear and low self esteem are simply getting worse and I realise if I dont do something to stop this freefall I dont know where it will end and I'm afraid of where it will end.
Giving up my job just isnt an option so the only real posibility is to stand and fight but I just dont know how. How do I go to senior management and say hey I'm crap...help. Also my dad was diagnosed with Alzeihmers before Christmas and I developed Psoriatic Arthritis after the ectopic which has made everyday life really difficlt at times. I am in remission now thanks to a cocktail of potent drugs but in a way I'm gutted as it means leaving my job on disability is no longer an option. My goodness how awful am I to even think like this.
Anyway this is me in a rather large nutshell and I apologise for droning on but I needed to vent. Its 4am here and you cant imagine how cathartic its been just writing this down.
If you read all of it then you are a truly lovely person and I thank you for taking the time. I feel really guilty for saying all of this as I'm sure there are others here with far greater issues than mine and I have so much to be thankful for. I guess facing your demons is part of dealing with them.
You know if anyone does have any advice I'd be grateful as despite all my winging I do still want to help myself.

xxxx
Rainbow..........please come after the rain

[kittenhugs]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm glad your are here and that you had the courage to share with us some of what you are facing. I'm sorry you had such a rough childhood and that you have bad feelings toward your mother. You have every right to feel like you do, but you should find a good therapist to help you through these feelings. A therapist can also help you with ways of coping with depression. Have you considered taking an antidepressent?

Why don't you see giving up your job as an option? It sounds like your job is making you miserable. It's not too late to change careers and do something that would make you happy. Go back to school if you have to. You can do it.

Are you sure you are doing so awful at your job? Sometimes our expectations are unrealistic. Just do the best that you can. If depression is getting you down so that you can't function as well at work then fight it. It's better to struggle and do the best you can than to do nothing and then beat yourself up over what you didn't do the rest of the day. I fight depression every day and have to force myself to do things, but it makes me feel better when I'm in control and not my depression.

I think most of the time we are our own worst critics. You are probably not doing as badly as you think. Give yourself credit for what you do accomplish. You are a teacher... wow that's amazing in itself! I have the most respect for teachers. If you care about your students then I'm sure you are already on the right track.

Don't give up hope. There is help out there. But it takes courage to reach out to someone. Maybe you can talk to a fellow teacher. I'm sure they've had some of the same feelings you've had about feeling inadequit.

[Broken]

A ton of feathers weighs the same as a ton of rocks...There is always someone who has it 'worse' but our problems are relative to ourselves and how they affect our lives so dont feel guilty please :)

I think that it is a wonderful thing to be able to be a positive influence in the lives of others, especially children. Maybe re-focusing in on the humanistic aspect of what you do and how you can affect your students would be a positive area. I know you are there to teach a subject though - maybe talking with other teachers for advice or changing your approach totally to another teaching method. I loved how one of my college professors had all open book assignments with open discussion in the classroom - also all exams were open book. I might have learned more there than any other class I took because of the environment and the trust she instilled with this method. She worked for NIH and I dont imagine had a ton of time to prep for classes and grade papers. She did for the exams and that was about it. I guess my point is that there might be some creative ways for you to get around some of the things that you feel are shortcomings in your job.

Or, I dont know how this works, what about going to teach younger children like 1st or second graders? My friend teaches second grade and she cant wait to get to work every day, she loves it, has hilariously cute stories to tell and doesnt have appear to spend a lot of the administrative time that I imagine you would at your level.

I hope that you find peace and solutions that work for you. Keep your chin up!

[ASchwartz]

Hello, Rainbow, and welcome to our community,

First, let me congratulate both Broken and Kittenhugs because they have given you terrific advice. I fully agree with them. :):)

It sounds to me as though you could be suffering from depression. I would suggest that you see a psychologist and have yourself evaluated. If it is depression then Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) would work well for you as it is found to be successful with depression.

You take a lot of guilt on your shoulders. Ectopic pregnancies are not anything anyone can control. It was unfortunate but outside of your influence. In fact, it is fortunate that you emerged in good health and that you finally did have a child.

It is a terrible thing that your parents led you to believe that they would not have had you if your sibling had survived. On the other hand, that is not as bad as being told you were an "accidental birth." That is even worse and I have known many people who experienced that.

What is the subject you are teaching and why do you feel unsuccessful. You report that the youngsters like and respect you. Why doesn't that give you a boost of self confidence? Can you tell us more about yourself?

Allan