Philosopher
07-21-2008, 03:39 PM
I originally posted a different version of this same post, but deleted it after reviewing and deciding that it rambled on a bit too much. So, here's a second take. It's been a few weeks, but the main idea remains the same. There are a few additions included as well...
I was first diagnosed with unipolar, biological-based depression back in 1991 (age 17). Since that time (with a few very brief lapses), I have been in treatment. I've been on various medications over the years (currently taking Cymbalta); and intermittent psychotherapy (presently once a month) for stress, anxiety, and related social issues.
I have a relatively good, stable job. However, I constantly feel inferior and that I am just a step away from ruining everything.
Briefly, my educational background does not match my career. I earned a B.A. in 2002 in a Humanities/Social Science field, then held a few different administrative/clerical positions. I finally worked my way up in my current company to what is considered technical job role. However, due to the politics of my organization, my job title cannot be that of the actual job I am doing until I either put in more years or actually go back and get a specialized degree. For all intents and purposes, that's fine with me, but every time I get an ounce of ambition to do something try to move ahead in my career, I end up thinking "What's the point?"
I am married (no children). Money is tight, since my wife was laid off a few years back and is now back in school, changing careers. She's got one year left before she'll hit the job market and our financial situation will (hopefully) start improving. Right now we're building up debt with student loans and some credit cards make ends meet. I think we're going to make it through, but I get stressed about money on a regular basis. This feeds back into my thoughts about my job. I'm the youngest/least experienced member of my group at work. I am the only one with less than 15 years experience. Salaries are confidential, but I can ballpark what the others in my department must be earning and it gets me frustrated (I figure I'm making about 1/3 what the others are), even though I know full well that it makes perfect sense given their experience and time with the company.
All things considered, I feel very stressed most of the time. I have begun to experience panic attacks. It's very difficult for me to concentrate on anything for more than a few hours at a time, and sometimes I cannot concentrate at all. I get fatigued very easily. I get migraines that interfere with my basic functionality on top of everything else. I can't afford to lose my job, and yet some mornings I wake up and just can't get myself out of bed. I've spoken to my employer at a high level of the problem and they have been understanding and supportive, but I still feel like I'm going to mess everything up one of these days.
I know the normal suggestions of exercise, getting involved in activities, getting enough sleep at night, etc., but those kinds of things don't seem to be helping all that much.
I just took the Goldberg Depression Questionnaire and scored a 67. I'm already under the care of a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist, and have been for years. At the actual points in time when I need them, I call and their message says “if you need help right now call 911.” I’m not about to do that – I can barely afford the co-payments to see them in the first place, let along racking up a bunch of hospital bills. I don't know what to do or where to turn. It doesn't seem like anything will help.
I’ve been dealing with this off and on for almost 20 years, and I know it could continue for the rest of my life. I’m not looking for someone to tell me that “everything’s going to be alright.” I need some actual, concrete help.
This still seems a bit like rambling to me, but if I can provide any more information that would help, feel free to ask.
I was first diagnosed with unipolar, biological-based depression back in 1991 (age 17). Since that time (with a few very brief lapses), I have been in treatment. I've been on various medications over the years (currently taking Cymbalta); and intermittent psychotherapy (presently once a month) for stress, anxiety, and related social issues.
I have a relatively good, stable job. However, I constantly feel inferior and that I am just a step away from ruining everything.
Briefly, my educational background does not match my career. I earned a B.A. in 2002 in a Humanities/Social Science field, then held a few different administrative/clerical positions. I finally worked my way up in my current company to what is considered technical job role. However, due to the politics of my organization, my job title cannot be that of the actual job I am doing until I either put in more years or actually go back and get a specialized degree. For all intents and purposes, that's fine with me, but every time I get an ounce of ambition to do something try to move ahead in my career, I end up thinking "What's the point?"
I am married (no children). Money is tight, since my wife was laid off a few years back and is now back in school, changing careers. She's got one year left before she'll hit the job market and our financial situation will (hopefully) start improving. Right now we're building up debt with student loans and some credit cards make ends meet. I think we're going to make it through, but I get stressed about money on a regular basis. This feeds back into my thoughts about my job. I'm the youngest/least experienced member of my group at work. I am the only one with less than 15 years experience. Salaries are confidential, but I can ballpark what the others in my department must be earning and it gets me frustrated (I figure I'm making about 1/3 what the others are), even though I know full well that it makes perfect sense given their experience and time with the company.
All things considered, I feel very stressed most of the time. I have begun to experience panic attacks. It's very difficult for me to concentrate on anything for more than a few hours at a time, and sometimes I cannot concentrate at all. I get fatigued very easily. I get migraines that interfere with my basic functionality on top of everything else. I can't afford to lose my job, and yet some mornings I wake up and just can't get myself out of bed. I've spoken to my employer at a high level of the problem and they have been understanding and supportive, but I still feel like I'm going to mess everything up one of these days.
I know the normal suggestions of exercise, getting involved in activities, getting enough sleep at night, etc., but those kinds of things don't seem to be helping all that much.
I just took the Goldberg Depression Questionnaire and scored a 67. I'm already under the care of a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist, and have been for years. At the actual points in time when I need them, I call and their message says “if you need help right now call 911.” I’m not about to do that – I can barely afford the co-payments to see them in the first place, let along racking up a bunch of hospital bills. I don't know what to do or where to turn. It doesn't seem like anything will help.
I’ve been dealing with this off and on for almost 20 years, and I know it could continue for the rest of my life. I’m not looking for someone to tell me that “everything’s going to be alright.” I need some actual, concrete help.
This still seems a bit like rambling to me, but if I can provide any more information that would help, feel free to ask.