some help and understanding

[blue-belle]

hi all,
i've decided to come online to see if it'll help with the situation i am currency facing.

I was recently diagnosed with depression in may and was immediately prescribed with anti-depressants.
I am generally against the use of anti-depressants but I was at such a bad point I knew something needed to be done. I had been on an nu-controllable downward spiral since at least oct last year but think the fundamental problems have been there for at least two years. I have struggled to speak to anyone about the issues I have and this lead the problems coming out in a confused state mostly when I was drunk.
After several appointments with a doctor I finally admitted what was wrong.
Since then I have gone through many emotions. I am definitely improving, even to the point where I think I should come of the tablets – I’m extremely worried about addiction etc.
My doctor is keen for me to continue for while longer. Having just done the online test thing I’m extremely surprised by the results, it is extremely high.
Over the last few months I’ve had several battles the biggest one been to keep going and keep working. Initially I could not get out of bed and just wanted to sleep forever. This made work difficult and for a good couple of months I was late very day (couple of times didn’t go), this is not like me at all I’m normally always early. I managed to hide the lateness for a while, but it’s now been noted.
This then changed to not being able to sleep at all. This again makes work extremely difficult. My concentration is extremely poor, my memory is none existent, I think many people are becoming pissed off with me.
I feel completely numb to everything that happens in my life. Happiness is not something I feel, I haven’t done for a long time. I generally feel sad and can not find a way forward to fix things.
I haven’t really told any friends what is going on and can’t. they are all getting on with there lives, starting to settle down etc.
I find it hard to talk to my family because they think it’s something they have done or their failure.
I am extremely worried about my future, that I’m gonna live with this forever and every day is going to be a battle. I am concerned that I’m going to go back to my old ways of thinking and feeling and be right back in the same position.
The main thing I’m really struggling with now is the amount of weight I’ve up on. I’ve gained two stone since last summer. I have always been active and enjoyed the gym. Now no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put in I just seem to gain weight. This is always something I’ve pretty much been in control of.
I don’t think how I’m meant to improve my life if a fundamental thing to my being, my living, my world won’t change. I’m definitely not the person I was. I always took pride in my appearance and although I can I say I was never 100% happy I did feel good about myself. I can not cope with the person I am now, I use to miss going out but now I’m pleased I’m not out because I’d have to wear clothes two sizes bigger.
It would be really useful to talk to other people who have gone through this or are going through this now.

[marie1512]

hi my name is marie i completley understand what you are going threw i was diagnosed as a manic depresent at the age of 14 i have been on anti depresents most of my life i hade my baby took off me at birth becouse of it i have had lots of suieside attempts and been hospitilised 2 times so i understand hoe you feel dont worry you are not alone i am at my compuiter most of the time so if you ever need to chat my name is marie1512 and my e mail is mariebrandonlee@yahoo.co.uk i am allways hear any time day or night i hope you will find this helpfull all the best and god bless:)

[ASchwartz]

Hi blue-belle,

Thank you for, Marie1512. :) It is good that you are reassuring to blue-belle.

Blue-belle, welcome to our community.

The first thing I want to point out to you is that there is no such thing as complete happiness. So, it is best not to worry about that.

The second thing is that while it is good you are on medication for depression, you are still having symptoms. Things such as: poor memory, problems concentrating, inability to sleep, and others, are all indications that you need to speak to your Doctor because, while the medicine is helping it is not helping enough. It is like having a fever, the medicine has lowered your fever but you still have a temparature that is too high.

The third thing that is important for you to know is that the treatment of medicine involves more than medicine. You need to be in psychotherapy. There is a specific type of psychotherapy that is very helpful for depression and that is CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This will help you learn to control your emotions by controlling the types of things you think about your self. Research has shown the CBT is extremely helpful with depression.
I would recommend your getting a referral to a Clinical Psychologist and ask for one who is trained in CBT.

I hope you find your involvment here helpful to you. The people in our community are wonderful, as you see from Marie1512 and they always want to listen and help and offer advice based on their experiences. :)

Allan

[ray114]

Hey Blue Bell, I know how you feel. I have also experienced depression for many years and I can relate. The best way for you to battle this is opening yourself up to other people. You should should check out www.livingthetruth.com There is a whole community of people who understand what you are experiencing and are willing to talk and listen. I think your on the right track already by talking about your current situation on this blog. I hope things begin to look up! -Ray

[blue-belle]

thanks for your replies guys, it really helps to know there are people out there who understand.
like i said i haven't told my friends because i know they wouldn't understand their approach would be pull yourself together and stop being so stupid.
of the one friend i have told he is great, but i sense this weirdness when i'm around him, like he doesn't know whether to ask how i am or bring the subject up.
i've done a couple of thing since i posted the thread the other day. my parents encouraged me to get in touch with the doc regarding my weight, they were extremely surprised how much i'd put on. spoke to the doctor and i'm seeing him monday and he has also slightly reduced my dose which i've felt for a while i've needed it reducing.
i've also been refered to some kind of counselling - so we'll see how that goes.
i think things are on the up, i managed to go out last night and limit myself to 2 glasses of wine. drinking to much had being a slight issue for me and i seemed to get drunk really easily. ppl must be use to me drinking a lot as some brought me a bottle of wine- for myself!!!! normally i would have drunk the whole thing in no time at all, but i was good and didn't have that craving feeling i normally get.
i'm trying to build a life for myself that doesn't involve drinking as a focus. it's extremely hard being young-ish - (25) and living in london most of my friends are in long term relationships and you never see them anymore. being single myself, the only option seems to be going out drinking. Has anyone else had drinking issues. I’m gonna get a hobby or something to keep myself out of mischief.