Share stories of your own aging and caregiving for individuals who are aging [Archive]

Natalie

03-12-2008, 08:44 AM

Aging in a youth oriented world is not easy. Growing older is a complex mix of experiences that requires adjusting to changes in our bodies, minds, relationships, social roles, and responsibilities. How can you adjust to these changes and how are you coping with this natural part of life?

There is an oft quoted poem called "Warning" by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

The poem is obviously a bit tongue in cheek, but I wonder ... what are you doing (or what will you do) when you are older that is different than when you were younger? Do you have any advice for other people who are dealing with aging (or dealing with caregiving)? Or, share your questions with other members of the community.

John Rutledge

03-12-2008, 10:17 AM

deleted .....

ASchwartz

03-14-2008, 11:51 AM

JR and everyone else, I have reached that age: I am 65. In fact, I am retiring but not from writing for Mental Help Net. For now, we are going to Florida but, who knows, Italy has always sounded great to us.

Yes, I agree with you. It is best to reach old age in a condition that is healthy and active. What scares me and most others I know who are reaching our age is Alzheimer's. Not that it's anything I dwell on. In fact, what occupies my thoughts is how to enjoy life as much as possible, regardless of age.

It's funny, whatever 65 is supposed to mean I do not "feel 65."

Allan :)

h8cruelty

03-29-2008, 08:31 PM

Dr. Schwartz has the right idea. There comes a time when we should reap the benefits of a life well lived. After a lifetime of giving, it's time to enjoy life to the fullest. Best wishes for a great retirement, Dr. Schwartz.

ASchwartz

04-01-2008, 07:33 AM

Hi Survivor,

Thanks, but please remember I will still be here at Mental Help Net.

I wonder what retirement issues there are for others and what the aging issues are for them?

Allan

Priscilla

04-07-2008, 05:26 AM

Dr. Schwartz,
My husband & I are caring for my parents (both over 80 years old)[ in our home. It is so much more stressful than we ever imagined. It is taking a toll on our marriage. Are there others that would be willing to help me with tips for making this job a little less stressful on our marriage? We used to go on vacations but our funds have been severely limited lately.

ASchwartz

04-08-2008, 02:46 PM

Hi Priscilla,

Welcome to our community.

Yes, there is help out there for you, your parents and your husband.
First, I would try Visiting Nurse Service. They have a geriatric unit that would come to your house, do an assessment and let you know what services are available.

If one or both of your parents are suffering from Alzhemers Illness, there is an Alzheimers Association that will provide help.

You should also check your parents' Medicare benefits and find out what services are available.

Check with your local religious institution. The local church, synagague, etc, might provide services.

You should also check with AARP to see what they might connect you with.

There is definitely help out there. I believe that through Medicare or Medicaid they can get at home help.

Have you tried any of this as yet?

Allan

Natalie

04-21-2008, 09:20 AM

There are several types of options that may help ease your burden. Often, these programs have low or no cost options... you just have to be willing to call around (or email around) a bit to find them. I know this is no small task when you are already overwhelmed, but the end result is worth it.

Adult Day Care, which has programs, activities, etc. for your loved one. This is a situation where you can take your loved one to a center for a period of time.

Respite Programs, which offer brief periods of time (sometimes a weekend or a week) for you to have a break

Sitters, which will come to your home for a few hours so you can run errands, or simply go get a cup of coffee :).

Geriatric Care Managers. These are trained professionals who can (for a fee) help you come up with a care plan and find services (they do all of the legwork for you).

Some places that you might try in order to locate help:

THe National Family Caregiver Support Program
http://www.aoa.gov/prof/aoaprog/caregiver/carefam/carefam.asp

The Elder Care Locator
1-800-677-1116 (support groups, respite services, counselors)

The National Alliance for Caregiving (website, literature)
http://www.caregiving.org/resources/

paula

08-10-2008, 08:24 AM

Hi All,
To lesson the burden of caring for your parents, you could get on to Social Services and arrange for homecare. In the U.K. you can apply for Social Services to come out and assess the needs of your parents who will write up a care plan and tell you what your parents are entitled to. How many visits per day, e.g Personal care to help with getting up, washing, dressing, breakfast etc. Lunch/dinner visits to assist with meal preporation and evening visits, to assist with undressing and putting night wear on and putting to bed. You could also apply for help with cleaning, laundry, shopping, shower/bath or a companionship call to just sit and listen and keep an eye on while you attend to your every day needs. I must state though, that it all depends on what capital they have to what care they will be provided. If money is no object then you could go private or Hire a carer to look after your parents needs. I don't know how it works in the States, whether you have Social Services or some other form of help that works for the goverment. Over here they have quite a lot of help for the aged. They have varied company's that arrange days out for the aged where they pick you up from your own front door and take you out for the day with lunch included for about £6. Being picked up at 10.00am and dropped of back home about 6.30pm. Like I mentioned before, I don't know how it works in the states but at least it could give you a few idea's. I hope this info was usefull.
Paula:)

SuziQ

08-12-2008, 03:45 AM

Hi All,

I am up at the wrong time and can't sleep like I used to. I have no one to talk to as I live alone. My life has no particular pattern so I can do as I please. I am limited only by my health, my finances and my imagination. It is a time of great freedom--at least today. I wet my pants occasionally and have no upper teeth--except the store bought ones--so I am reverting to childhood in some ways. Men are no longer sex objects--just friends. Sometimes, on a bad day, I revert to adulthood and do "what is expected of responsible people", but I try to keep that to a minimum. I have more cats than a sane woman and love them all--most days. All my bills are paid by my computer or with ones that change, like utilities, are taken from my account automatically. The bank alerts me daily, by email, of my balance, so I don't write all that stuff down anymore. My neurologist, in checking my mental abilities, asked me for the day of week and date. I explained to him that it was a ridiculous question to ask of older people who are retired because it has little revelance to our daily lives. My email calendar keeps my calendar straight. I put any appointment on it for both the day of the appointment and two days before and promptly forget it until reminded by an email. I no longer worry about a 30 yr mortgage.

I cared for my mom as she gradually slipped back into infancy. Somehow, it was less of a burden when I kept in mind that she had changed my diapers, hand fed me and put up with me until I grew old enough to care for myself. Now, it was my time to return the caretaking---and she could be a handful at times--but so was I. And I was not the perfect caretaker nor she the perfect mom, so it balanced out. It was a healing time for us both as we came to know each other in a very different way. As she slipped away, she prepared me to be without her.

So, what is it like to get old? It is definitely a time to wear purple with red, but I don't sit down on the side walk 'cause I can't get back up.

SuziQ

Natalie

08-12-2008, 10:57 AM

Hi SuziQ-

I couldn't stop smiling as I read your post. To me, you are a great example of "successful aging." You have some great ideas about how to deal with daily tasks that don't require so much reliance on memory. Actually, we could all probably benefit from type of similar scheduling set up, regardless of our age.

Your thoughts about caregiving were a fabulous example of CBT in action. Caring for a sick/impaired parent is not a role that anyone wants. But, there are some positives and lessons that can be learned from it, if only you can shift your perspective. And, just like everything else, there will be some really great days (where you feel like you have it all together) and then some days where you feel completely incompetent. As I parent my two children, I have the same experiences across the weeks.

I love your response to the mental status question (day/date)- as a geropsychologist I have asked that type of question to countless numbers of older adults. One of my most favorite clients turned the tables on me one day and asked me if I knew the date. At that moment, I had no idea, which he thought was hysterical. He made a point of dramatically asking me the date every time I met with him from then on :D.

Embrace that purple!!!

SuziQ

08-12-2008, 02:41 PM

Thanks Natalie,

Mom had mini-stroke dementia. She gradually left over a period of 16 years. I wish others felt as I came to feel about aging parents. It is a wonderful opportunity to heal the wounds that each of us brings from our childhood. It has fun moments and sad ones. My favorite story about Mom was when she was in an assisted living home. I went to visit and she took me into the dining room to introduce me to her friends. She turned to me and said " I can't remember if you are my sister or my mother" I told her I was her daughter. She looked me up and down (I was in my early 60's, gray hair) and pronounced in a loud voice "Oh no you're not! I am NOT THAT OLD." . She fell shortly after that and broke her hip and did not walk again and came to live with me again. She was with me for about 10 yrs before she went to assisted living, was there about nine months, and came home for the last year of her life. She died at home. My childhood angers gradually dissolved over those years and I truly miss my Mom and the child she became. My fondest memory was one day when we were talking about fear of authority. I was tellng her that just because someone had authority, it did not mean that they were brighter than she was. She looked at me and said "I wish you had been my mom" She could have paid me no greater compliment. Whatever our differences, they were gone in that moment and she gave that to me--her trust and her approval. I am sure it would never have happened if she had not lived with me. It was during those last years that I came to truly love her and I am glad she chose me to spend her last years with.

On the night she died, the man who helped care for her came downstairs and I sat at the table and cried "I don't have a mommy anymore" . And I don't and I miss her. I am a mother, a sister, a grandmother, a greatgrandmother, could be a wife or a lover, but I will never again be someone's child ---with all the nuances, both good and bad, that come with being someone's child. We live in the shadow of our parents and when that shadow is gone, then we realize that shadow also shielded us from the glaring sun.

SuziQ

SuziQ

08-13-2008, 08:07 AM

Hi All,

For those of you caring for a parent or parents, I would like to say that although I posted about Mom, it was only a part of the story.

I had her in a day care program and got called in for my mistreatment of mom. In front of 5 psychiatrists, I was told that mom was fine and I was abusive, stealing her money and very angry. The more upset I got, the worse I looked. I went to my MD at my wits end. He did an MRI on mom and found the damage done by the ministrokes and sent the report to the program and they watched her more carefully and apologised to me. She had to be taken out of the Senior lunch program as she was telling everyone that I kept her locked in a barn and hurt her. The director, who knew me, came by and suggested that I take her out as someone might report me to Adult Services. She accepted a proposal from a man there and was going to move away with him. She ran away and told the police who found her that I was abusing her. Only when she identified me as her mother did they realize how confused she was, but they checked the house anyway. When she was mending from her hip surgery, I had to go to the place several times a week as she hit, bit and pulled hair of attendants and would only calm down when I came. She cried all one Chrismas Day because she believed I had left her alone for two weeks. She refused to be alone, for even a minute, in public places and insisted I hold her hand. She was like a small child who would only calm down when mom was with her. And, until near the end, I was alone. It was not an easy time for me. I won't tell you all the problems I caused her when I was child, but she still cared for me and mostly loved me. I, mostly, behaved well, but challenged anyone's authority to tell me what to do. She told the story of my acting up in public one day. She said to me "What would you do if you had a child who acted like this?" She said I responded " MY children would not act like this" .

I could see myself in her misbehaviors and found a new respect for what I must have put her through. I had children, but none were such a handful as she was. So, for you who are dealing with an aging parent, if you can remember some of the stunts you pulled as a child on them---it will make it easier-- And a sense of humor will help too.

Suziq

ASchwartz

08-21-2008, 06:25 PM

SuzieQ, you are right on target. Funny, but things really change when we go from being the child of the parent to the parent of the elderly parent. Yes, it requires lots of patience.

Allan

skysoldier

09-30-2008, 12:07 AM

SuzieQ, you are right on target. Funny, but things really change when we go from being the child of the parent to the parent of the elderly parent. Yes, it requires lots of patience.

Allan

I agree with you, I took care of my grandparents when I was still 15 and I have lots of questions on my mother on why is my grandparents wants to do things that are too heavy for them and they keep on insisting to do those thing but they are not capable anymore. But I really cried when she died because she is the one took care of me when I was still a child.

ASchwartz

10-02-2008, 10:19 AM

Hi Skysoldier and welcome to our community,

Can you tell us more about yourself, your age now, your parents and grandparents and what it was like to take care of your grandparents? Where were your parents?

I hope you provide answers and discussion.

Allan:)

ASchwartz

10-10-2008, 10:20 AM

Hey guys,

Am I the only "older folk" here??? And, don't any of you have moms and dads and grandparents about whom you have concerns. And, you older folk, what, you don't know how to use a computer?? Younger folk, help them out, teach them so they can join us.:):)

paula

10-10-2008, 02:17 PM

Hi Allan

Well I wouldn't put myself in the same catagory as you regarding the old folk! Ha Ha! Only kiddin!

No seriously! My mum's a pensioner. Don't really know how old she is? I'd say getting on for 70. She is classed as disabled. She has Rumitoid artharitus (don't know if I've spelt that right)? Anyway, she can only walk with the aid of two walking sticks and then she finds it very difficult!

My sister is her main carer. she only lives around the corner from her where I live on the other end of town from her. I only see my mum at special occasions. I don't venture out anywhere and where I live, there are a few steps up to my house so she couldn't make the journey. Not that she'd want to anyway. and the few occasion's that I've been to visit her, we have ended up arguing, so I just don't bother.

She's well looked after from my two other sisters. Both my sisters are nurses in hospitals. One of them is a sister of the geriatrics ward. Small world isn't it. You wouldn't think that I was related to two sisters who worked in the N.H.S and was of a high rank in their occupation! I'm just the mental one. I'm the one that they call the retard! well enuf said!

ASchwartz

10-14-2008, 06:57 AM

Hi Paula,

Thank you for responding.

Allan:)

LAX-Dan

10-16-2008, 07:34 PM

I'm a full-time care giver for my Dad who's 79, with early senile dementia. We just found out on September 15th that he has lung cancer. He's not a good candidate for surgery because his lungs are so damaged that there's too great a chance he might not survive surgery, so that's been ruled out as an option...

He can take care of most of his day to day needs, but just needs to be monitored for he sake of his safety...

I do my best, and my Mom (who thankfully is in good health for a woman of 78) helps lighten the load somewhat...

But I suffer from bipolar disorder, and can't afford treatment for that, which makes the load I carry that much heavier, and bet that as it is, I keep carrying the load because I know in my heart it's the right thing to do...

BrainPain

10-16-2008, 09:16 PM

Anyone with a heart is going to care for their parents the best they can. My dad is long dead, but my mother is still with us. Childhood wasn't good. Not at all. And she played a major role in that. But the thing is, she's my mom. Her husband just recently died and she moved in with us for five months. That's all we could handle as her extreme emotional needs, need for continuous drama and her penchant for "adopting" my issues got to be to much. We found a retirement community based on her Social Security Income and I did 10 hours of driving to get home and back to my own medical treatment this past weekend to help her move in.

My mother, Lord could some head Doc make a name for himself with her. And with me. But here she is so disgustingly needy and greatly enjoys being sick and miserable. And she is SO enormously negative in all she says, even if it's ailments her Doctor's cannot find a cause for and she's obviously mimicking mine, even though all of this makes caring for her complicated and frustrating, my wife...who suffered the most during those five months...and I did our bestt o take care of her. But we got to a point where she HAD to live on her own and out of our house. No matter the conversations we had setting boundaries, we would still catch her listening to our conversations through our bedroom door. We would still catch her lying to her counselor about things when he would call us, with her permission, to discuss issues with her.

Man, caring for the elderly when that individual is so very determined to be a life sucking hole of despair and negativity is extremely tough on those who try to provide that care. We were forced to make a change that removed her from our house to preserve our marriage and our sanity. Luckily, my sister knows the deal and is very supportive. Also, my wife's brother, sister-in-law, our best friends of 18 years in the Army and others were able to spend time in our house while my mother was living with us and backed us up completely when the time came to find her someplace else to live.

Doing that job with a person like my mother is life altering. And I tremendously respect anyone who can do it and keep their family intact. We couldn't. You see, I HATE being ill/injured or mentally messed up. I WILL NOT go to Doctor's, I WILL not talk about everything crappy to my family and suck them down into it. I save all of that for the professionals. In the last five years, my wife and kids have heard me complain about my headaches three times. Heard me say something negative about my lot in life twice. The last five years have been torture for them because they knew I was hurting, in pain and they KNEW I wasn't saying anything about it for three reasons.

1. I cannot STAND saying anything that would echo the actions and sentiments of my mother.
2. I knew my family were going to be worried about me. You cannot change as much as i have and not worry them. But they know I made that impact as small as possible in their lives.
3. They know I love them and was trying to protect them by protecting my income in retirement and for the next couple of years it would take me to ge there.

My mother, she would quit before the task is full explained. I set an example of personal strength, the will to survive despite the odds and obstacles. My mother, she tries talking my kids out of Soccer in case they might be hurt. She tried talking my daughter out of going to college because her father "needed her daily."

So there's so many different circumstances to every individual situation. Everyone should feel free to talk about the challenges they've had in providing care. And I know there are those who need care, but have family that aren't there for them.

I pray for all of you dealing with this in one way or another. There's nothing easy about any of it and love ties our binds for better or worse.

ASchwartz

11-05-2008, 04:13 AM

Hi BrainPain,

Actually, lots of people with "heart" refuse to care for their elderly parents just for the reasons you accurately describe. It is just too much to handle. In many families there is one person who often becomes designated as the parental care taker. Sometimes it is a son but often it is one of the daughters. Then, all the other adult children have nothing to do with that care. It is awful because all the responsibility is left to one person. If the elderly parent develops Alzheimer's disease, then the situation becomes even more awful. Yes, it can and has destroyed marriages and lives and I have seen it happen. It is good that you took the necessary steps to have your mother cared for outside of the home.

Allan

paula

11-11-2008, 02:39 PM

Hi Allan

In many families there is one person who often becomes designated as the parental care taker. Sometimes it is a son but often it is one of the daughters. Then, all the other adult children have nothing to do with that care. It is awful because all the responsibility is left to one person.

It is right what you are saying but think on, in my mums case it is my two sisters. They have the responsibility because they choose to have that responsibility.

I tried to help but got my nose pushed out! Whenever I go and visit my mum, she just sits there with the TV on full blast, and can't even hear when I'm talking to her? She's only 70ish and still got all her faculties!

Me and my older two brother's, just go and visit on occasion's. Why? Because when we go we get the impression that were not wanted? She alway's turned round and said that she only ever seen us three whenever we wanted something, which isn't true! It's not us three who she is paying for stuff in our houses.

Do you know, I'll never forget when I was took in Hospital for trying to commit Suicide! After I had been there nearly a week, I phoned her from my mobile phone, just to reassure her that I was alright! Not that she made any attempt to come and visit me! She asked me why I did what I did? I told her because of the way that I felt. The feeling of not being loved was just to much! Not getting anyone visiting me and the loneliness! As well as my financial situation with losing my job. And do you know what she said to me? If money was a problem, why didn't you ask me for it? so I said could she help me out with my bills, and she said NO! I will buy you food but I'm not paying your bills. I couldn't see the logic in that!

Since I've come out of hospital nothings changed apart from I've got on top of my bills. They are all paid. The lonliness is still there, when I visit she still the same, so I've give over bothering! It's my birthday on the 16th November and I can't win? If I go up, she will say that I've just gone up for something for my birthday, and If I don't go up, then she will say if you don't come up for your card then you get nothing?

To be honest I'd rather not bother. Had enough of the hastle!

ASchwartz

11-12-2008, 09:57 AM

Oh, Paula,

How well I know of what you speak. Just because I'm a therapist does not mean I did not have my own experiences growing up. I, too, came to realize that I could never win, at least not in my family. Believe it or not, I was considered the "bad child." I wasn't a "good boy" because I wasn't becoming a medical doctor like my big brother. Anything I did in school was never "good enough and it never shined next to my big brother, anyway. So, I know what you mean.

Do you have friends outside of your family? Are there people you can talk to, feel good about and relate to, men and women?

Also, I am sorry to hear that you suffered a loss.

Allan

paula

11-12-2008, 02:41 PM

Thank you Allan for your concerns!

How well I know of what you speak. Just because I'm a therapist does not mean I did not have my own experiences growing up. I, too, came to realize that I could never win, at least not in my family. Believe it or not, I was considered the "bad child." I wasn't a "good boy" because I wasn't becoming a medical doctor like my big brother. Anything I did in school was never "good enough and it never shined next to my big brother, anyway. So, I know what you mean.

Do you know Allan, the same here, but I was the eldest of three daughters but have two older brothers.

Because my two younger sister's work in a Hospital as Nurses, and are of a very high ranking. One's a Sister in charge and the other's a sister, that because instead of working in a hospital, I actually when in hospital as a Patient on a Psychiatric ward, I have brought shame on the family! Yes! it was the same hospital that my sisters work in, but not the same ward!

I remember saying to my mother, after being discharged from the hospital, "is that all you can think about, me bringing shame on the family! What about me? do you not understand why I did what I did?" And she replied to me that if I wasn't as stupid (dyslexic) as I was, then I too could be working in a hospital? I told her that I didn't want to go working in an Hospital, that all I wanted was for her to love me like she loved my other two sister's. And do you know what she said, I've just blew of whatever chances I had by doing what I did!

That really messed me up in the head! I couldn't get my head round it! It cut me up so much that I tried commiting suicide again. Well you can imagine what she thought of me then...

Do you have friends outside of your family? Are there people you can talk to, feel good about and relate to, men and women?

Because of what my life entails (and I'm not looking for sympathy here) I don't have any friends or family for that fact apart from my son. Because I won't let myself have any friends! I know you shouldn't think that everyone's the same, but to me they are!

To be honest Allan I don't ever want to feel like my mother made me feel, (rejected) so the only way to avoid that is to keep myself to myself. It is lonely, very lonely, but I can handle that, just about! I can't handle rejection again, ever!

The biggest thing about it is the HURT! It's hurt me so much/still does, and I think this is why I've got all this anger inside me? I'de just like to know why I was born! Criminals have a better life than I have! I wouldn't hurt anyone physically I mean! I would just like to know why I'm being treated like a leopar by my own family? This is probably why I'm always on the defensive all the time, on this site. Because I like coming on this site, I'm scared of being rejected yet once again!

I just feel soooo low at the moment! And YES the thoughts of suicide are crossing my mind! I don't know how to handle this Allan? This is a BIG one!
At this moment all I've got going through my mind is why couldn't it be me who was found dead? I know that I might be a bit selfish in thinking that but who cares. No one cares about me, why should they, the one who has tried to commit suicide twice before and can't even do a good job of that? Mark my words though, the next time I will make sure I do a good job of it! Allready making plans now! YOU CHANGE FOR ONE OF TWO REASONS - YOU LEARN ENOUGH TO WANT TO OR - YOU'VE BEEN HURT ENOUGH, YOU HAVE TOO!

ASchwartz

11-13-2008, 09:42 AM

Paula,

Your mother's comments to you when you were in the hospital or soon after were outrageous, unforgivable, awful. I have the idea that she may be a Borderline Personality Disorder who continues to be abusive to you to this very day. Well, she won't change.

But, I value you and we, here on this very real community, value you. It would be a terrible thing to lose you. Do not let that happen. Where is your anger? Just because your mother is mean to you does not mean that you should be mean to yourself.

I am sorry that you have not had success with friends in the past. But, eventually, you will. There are good people out there who will be warm and accepting of you. It may be (I don't know) that you learned to push people away from you in order to protect yourself. That is understandable, if its accurate.

You know, I have known some wonderful people who were hospitalized for psychiatric reasons. I have a good friend and friend of the family back in Colorado who is a rapid cycling bipolar woman and she is just great. Yes, she has her very low periods and she has been hospitalized more times than I have fingers and toes, but, she is terrific. What is there to be ashamed of? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Stick around, Paula, we have a lot of messaging to do well into the future.

Allan :)

paula

11-13-2008, 01:42 PM

Hi Allan

I value you and we, here on this very real community, value you. It would be a terrible thing to lose you. Do not let that happen. Where is your anger? Just because your mother is mean to you does not mean that you should be mean to yourself.

Thank you for them words. God, if only you knew how much them words meant to me at this moment? I couldn't handle rejection at this precise moment in time! That would really tip me over the edge!

What I was meaninig with the anger issues is, the way I have a go at people on this site. I don't mean to, but I get so defensless when I think that someone's having a go at me. Especially concerns that bring back bad memories, Like the rape post and the pedophile post. It's not their fault but I just can't seem to forget those bad memories? No matter how hard I try! But when it has took me a good few years to push these memories to the back of my head, then someone seems to bring it all back in a written post of some kind.

I am just going to have to get used to it, especially on a site like this, and I'm trying to understand the involvment, that a site like this involves, but when I feel threatened, I just lose it! I've had a lot of that in my life Allan and I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I'm scared, frightened! Really frightened!

Do you know Allan, after all that my mother has put me through/and still is, that if she came up to me anywhere and just told me she did love me at one time then, well I don't know what I'd do? I'd probably cry! But not tears of sadness, NO! Tears of happiness! Even after all what has happened! Bloods thicker than water isn't it!

I'm not asking much am I? But if she did that for me then I'd be able to go to my grave with a smile on my face! It wouldn't bother me if she didn't ever say it again to me, or ever spoke to me again? At least she had said it to me, "I did love you at one time, but I don't now!" I'd even be happy at that!

I am sorry that you have not had success with friends in the past. But, eventually, you will. There are good people out there who will be warm and accepting of you. It may be (I don't know) that you learned to push people away from you in order to protect yourself. That is understandable, if its accurate.

You hit the nail on the head ther Allan! You've got a way with words! Again, I'm frightened to accept the warm welcome of friends? I don't know what a warm welcome involves, as I have never had a warm welcome of anyone? Physically I mean! I always think that there will be consequences to follow? So I have my guard up all the time, not wanting to face these consequences?

What is there to be ashamed of? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

I feel, and have been made to feel, very ashamed of my life! The Mental state of my life, by my mother. She said to me at one point that I should be locked away with all the other lunatics, and the key should be thrown away! Can you imagine how that made me feel! HURT! REALLY HURT!

All I want is to be loved. Not only of my family but anyone? I don't know what love is? If I had a wish, you know what I'd wish for? I wish for all these sick, mental, alcoholics, drug abusers, was given a better life stlye, then maybe they wouldn't be where they are now. Me included?

If I could come back as anything that I wanted, in a second life, then I'd come back as a bird! Would you like to know the reason's why? Because I'd shit on all them, that have shit on me!

ASchwartz

11-14-2008, 10:12 AM

Paula, that last part, about coming back as a bird, brough a smile to my face:). You know why? 1. The part about shitting on everyone is really funny and, 2. As a bird, you would be really free. What a great idea.

Allan:)

paula

11-14-2008, 10:28 AM

Hi Allan

A bird

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paula, that last part, about coming back as a bird, brough a smile to my face. You know why? 1. The part about shitting on everyone is really funny and, 2. As a bird, you would be really free. What a great idea.

Allan

I really wish I was a bird now! Then at least I would be free, with no worries at all. Wouldn't it be wonderful to come and go as you please! I've never had that experience, only in my head that is! I'm alway's coming and going in my head with my mental health problems. I wish I could just be normal, whatever that is?

ASchwartz

11-18-2008, 05:21 AM

Hey, Paula,

Normal, what s that, anyway??? I have no idea. Actually, I think we are all "off." I know I am. :D

paula

11-18-2008, 02:58 PM

Hi Allan

Well I can honestly tell you that I am defonately "off my head!" Always have been and always will be! Thats the only form of living that I know?

Sometimes I stop and wonder what life would really be like up above? I know I talk about it as if I've got it all mapped out? Who knows, it might not be up there That I go too? I could end up down there with Satan? Don't give a toss to be honest! Give over worrying years ago! Thats probably why I'm screwed up in the head like I am? I'm not saying that I've given up hope or faith? I know your probably thinking "what an Hipocryte! She's just mentioned that she's not bothered where she ends up" and I don't! But I can carry on believing though can't I! Believing in God himself, I mean! My mother used to always come out with a saying:

"Inch by inch, life's a clinch; and yard by yard, life is hard." Do you know Allan, there are only Two pains in life; the pain of discipline and the pain of regret! I keep wishing my mother will suffer from the later one! In regret of never loving me? My pain is never being loved!

ASchwartz

11-24-2008, 09:35 AM

Paula,

Besides medication, are you in any kind of psychotherapy? Group therapy or therapy with a psychologist or social worker? I ask because I have the idea that it could help you a lot. You know, there is more to feeling better than just taking medication.

I noticed that I am not finding you elsewhere in the forums. Are you backing away from interacting because of some of the angry stuff that was going on? In my opinion, your participation is important to the forums and is good for you.

Allan

karai

05-13-2009, 12:54 AM

Hi Natalie,
I read that poem of the woman in purple a while back and liked it so much that I bought an embroidery kit of it. I never did actually get it done for lack of time so I guess I will have to work on it when I retire!
Regarding aging and caretaking, well, my siblings and I have been caring for my bed-ridden 90 year old mom for over 6 years now. It takes a toll on everyone and all aspects of our lives revolve around her care. Needless to say, this has also affected my view on aging. I for one, do not hope to live to 90 like my mom if it means I will be dependent on relatives for my existence. This is selfish. This is not LIFE. The condition of our economy has prolonged my work years and all the money I lost for retirement only means that there will not be enough to live on for any extended period of time, let alone decades. This also fuels my intention to not live beyond a more than reasonable age--70? 80? We will have to see. This is not a cry for help. I am comfortable w/ this idea as I find it more distressing to have to burden others financially as well as emotionally and physically. Our younger family members should have the right to enjoy their lives w/o this burden, or myself eating up their resources and youth. I am aware that I may never become like my mom is today, but why take any chances.

MommE

05-13-2009, 05:41 AM

I took care of my parents and my in laws it can be draining and irritating but there are a few tricks to make life easier. Read books about dementia, I got them from the library, they gave me insight into the many mood swings and paranoia the elderly experience they made me more empathetic. Elderly parents don't know why things are going wrong, misplacing bank books, lost remote controls etc. they blame the child who has done the most for them because they can't blame themselves that person knew the most about their lives and must be the one doing this to them. They often don't take showers because they are afraid someone can see them naked (paranoia) for this you have to be firm, stand outside the bathroom door and when they're done check the towels to see if they were really used. Re not changing their clothes, often my mother in law would put her nightgown on over her clothes and in the morning she thought she had magically dressed, its important to check their pajamas and take the dirty clothes out of the room at night. Re getting some time for yourselves, we used other senior citizens as baby sitters when we wanted to go out or to the beach, these people can talk about old times and they can use the extra money let your parent think their just visiting. We also used my nieces friends, usually 2 female college students, when we went out for longer time periods like weddings, they can be entertaining to a senior citizen and they drive in case there is a problem. Most important know that psych drugs do work, many seniors are depressed, meds can relieve that and help with the paranoia. My mother had both and through medication I got my old mom back for a few months before her death. You'll be happy to say you gave them a life of dignity and that you did everything you could do for them, no regrets. Also know that many are very happy in nursing homes because they make friends and sometimes interesting enemies, it keeps them busy. Obviously nursing homes give the best medical care meds are monitored and regulated and they are safe. Make sure you visit and bring little gifts or treats, ice cream is a big favorite.

confuzzed

06-06-2009, 06:57 PM

I currently am a caregiver for my dad along with my mom.
My dad has long-term care insurance and my mom has hired a caregiver company to come in and help, but because she was so uncomfortable with strangers in the the house and I was literally babysitting mom and dad when the caregivers were there I got the caregiver company to hire me to work at my mom's.

I've been doing this for over a year now, and yes, somedays it's really hard. I have to be there five days a week. We have another caregiver that comes two days a week, but mom is now talking about firing her and just having me all the time. Sometimes that thougtht is really painful; some days I feel like I don't have a life for myself. :(

I used to attend classes and play in the orchestra and wind ensemble at a local university, but I had to give that up when my dad started getting really bad with dementia. I hope some day to go back to that, as I sorely miss it. (I did find it pretty funny though, that I was older than some of the PARENTS of the kids I was in class with....):rolleyes:

Anyway, my dad keeps drifting further away mentally and my mom keeps holding tighter to him.

My biggest problem right now is that she won't consider putting him in a care facility of some kind even though she can afford it thanks to his insurance.

Thanks for letting me share about this....:)

ASchwartz

06-17-2009, 07:46 AM

Hi Confuzzed,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.

It is extremely difficult to be a caregiver to an elderly or chronically sick person. In fact, it is strongly recommended that caregivers go to psychotherapy so that they can find some relief from the stress they experience.

Is that something you could do and would the health insurance that I hope you have pay for it?

Allan

confuzzed

06-17-2009, 05:21 PM

Hey Allan,
Thanks for the reply.
I did go to a therapist for a while but have recently stopped.
No, no health insurance to pay for it, but I did out of pocket for over a year so I'm not opposed to doing that again, but right now I have a few things I need to try and sort out on my own.
But I will definately keep in mind that it's a good idea to go!

ASchwartz

06-19-2009, 07:55 PM

Hi Confuzzed,

Well, there are support groups and those are usually free because they are self help type groups made up of people in the same boat but who stick together because there is so much mutual understanding.

Also, use this as a support group. In fact, right here, in this forum, talk about what you are going through and we can be supportive and listen and even give occasional advice.

Is your father suffering from dementia (alzheimers)?

Allan :)

GingerSnap

08-12-2009, 11:03 AM

I messed up and made a double post when I tried to quickly edit after pushing "post" so with aging, I obviously make a few more mistakes and can't correct them as quickly. Dealing with that by just thinking that I really expected 55 to feel much older than this?

GingerSnap

08-12-2009, 11:03 AM

Well, a few years ago we moved to a county where the fastest rising age group is 80 plus. Now, I personally really like this group of people because they are just "open" and tell it like it is or at least to them a lot of the times but....big but, there are so many old ladies alone with their cats (1, 10, 30 and they are thinking about a cat ordinance in town which will put some in a state for sure). We had lived previously by a man that was 104. I see what this life brings to them since I walk my dog through the older, poorer neighborhoods. I don't want to end up being alone with a cat and not that it isn't for some but not for me. These people worry all the time about finding and affording services to take care of themselves, their animals, getting the roof fixed, the yard mowed and even if they have the money, it is hard to find someone to do it. So, although I don't have a definite plan in place, I hope to full-time RV, a lifestyle that I have tried previously. I made it through menopause without medical assistance, walk every day at least 40 minutes weather permitting, garden, have hobbies, cook healthy meals, eat a lot of oatmeal and drink green tea. Staying off meds is important to me and I have a firm belief in herbal medicine. I believe that staying physically and mentally active is the key and is it easy, no not at all. I'm trying to still put in 200% while my husband, same age, has slowed to 50% and he is just not happy and is aging X 3 now. This morning for the first time I saw a really old lady who smiled and said hello and I felt bad that I didn't go up and chat, maybe tomorrow. The most delightful couple I ever met were in their 80's and they told me that in their heads they still felt like they were in their 20's - I miss them as they were such an inspiration. A lot of people are old these days at 35 so at 55, I'm not complaining and trudging ahead.