concerned
03-12-2008, 05:25 PM
First, thank you for the opportunity to write this. There is so much to say, I hope I can be clear with the issue.
My sister has been married to a man for 10 years (this is his 2nd marriage) who has a terrible anger problem. I have witnessed his irrational behavior on several occasions or received the phone call to tell me about it (mostly). Your article on the psychology of anger describes him to a tee. The only thing missing is his name. The verbal abuse, the demeaning comments, the "your crazy"..all of it, it's him. It is not an everyday occurrence but certainly often enough. He has held grudges for years with people that I know of. He and I were actually very close up to this.
His relationship with his two adult children from his previous marriage is one of complete perfection. His belief is they are the best, the smartest, could not ever do anything wrong etc. The pedestal is high.
My sister and he have a 7 yo son (my nephew). My nephew partcipates in advance courses and posseses an IQ of over 160 yet is still a little boy who loves footbal, baseball, golf, karate etc. He is very calm, good hearted and completely non aggresive like his mother. We spend (spent) much quality time together even travel. I have exposed him to many hours of experiences most children unfortunately will never see.
They were doing a major renovation on their house in which they lived with me for almost two months. Once completed they moved back into their own home. Much of their sons items were still in a POD in the driveway. He asked his father if he could get his video game out of there for him. After a few days of requesting, his father did go out to get this. Within about 3 minutes my nephew ran into the house crying. His lip had been pinched so hard it broke blood vessels and was black. When my sister asked what happened, my nephew told her that dad got mad because he had moved one box and wasn't going to look any further. He said he told his father that "my dad is not a quitter" and he pinched his lip. My sister then went out into the pod and got the video game right from where my nephew said it was. Obviously my sister lost it and it began. Her husband claims he was called a quitter and that their 7 yo son was lying. In fact, said that he called him a quitter "10 times". That is the most preposterous comment he could have made as I could never imagine those words coming out of his mouth nor could his mother. In fact I wish he was more aggressive. This incident turned into hell for my sister for about two days as he continued to call his 7yo a liar and it escalted to pure hate towards his wife. I was so upset by this and knew I was going to get involved (right or wrong) that I called his daughter for advice on how I should deal with it. I understand needing to reprimand (although I didn't believe what he said), I was more ticked at his behavior AFTER the fact. What he called my sister could not have been any lower and I couldn't write it on here. I also know my nephew did not say what he claimed. My opinion is he snapped, realized it and was now caught.
After I told his daughter what occured and that I beleive he needs anger management, She told me I need to stay out of it and she couldn't understand this as they grew up in a Leave it to Beaver household. Sorry, that was sarcasm. Did I mention his first wife actually left him AND the kids after 20+ years? Could you imagine what really occured? She told me she would not say anything and we hung up. Well of course she didn't even have a good dial tone before she called him to tell him of our conversation. I actually told her I was going to tell him we had spoken but she said "don't say anything". I have nothing to hide and no quams going toe to toe with him. Regarding education accomplishments between his family and ours or any other issue. That would actually be a joke so he wouldn't go there with me, just my sister who never speaks up.
That night I got a phone call from him where he began to cuss me out pretty good. Screaming he has down. Of course I did not hold back and let it fly telling him he indeed had issues that included an out of control anger problem, he is violent and needed to get some help.
Now he will not speak to me and tells his wife he will have nothing to do with me etc. Unfortunately, it is my nephew that I miss.
I could not be a more calmer person. It is my nature, but this ordeal has me in a position of feeling like I should do something.
Should I have called his daughter, no. I should have realized that is his source of justification.
What do you do with someone who is so righteous would never admit to having a problem and I do not believe there is anyway he would seek help.
He also has certainly written me off because I challenged him.
My sister, loves him and is just trying to make it work so her son has his father. I do not get it, but also understand (if that makes sense).
There has never been a divorce in our family anywhere. We obviously grew up quite different.
I want a relationship with my nephew. I could just imagine what is going through his head. He actually asked his father if it was ok for me to come over when he wasn't there. How pitiful is that? What do I do now? I would try to approach him again but honestly, only for my nephew and I do not think he is capable of being rational. Especially now.
I'll take whatever advice you might have given the information I have shared.
Thanks, I really appreciate it.
My sister has been married to a man for 10 years (this is his 2nd marriage) who has a terrible anger problem. I have witnessed his irrational behavior on several occasions or received the phone call to tell me about it (mostly). Your article on the psychology of anger describes him to a tee. The only thing missing is his name. The verbal abuse, the demeaning comments, the "your crazy"..all of it, it's him. It is not an everyday occurrence but certainly often enough. He has held grudges for years with people that I know of. He and I were actually very close up to this.
His relationship with his two adult children from his previous marriage is one of complete perfection. His belief is they are the best, the smartest, could not ever do anything wrong etc. The pedestal is high.
My sister and he have a 7 yo son (my nephew). My nephew partcipates in advance courses and posseses an IQ of over 160 yet is still a little boy who loves footbal, baseball, golf, karate etc. He is very calm, good hearted and completely non aggresive like his mother. We spend (spent) much quality time together even travel. I have exposed him to many hours of experiences most children unfortunately will never see.
They were doing a major renovation on their house in which they lived with me for almost two months. Once completed they moved back into their own home. Much of their sons items were still in a POD in the driveway. He asked his father if he could get his video game out of there for him. After a few days of requesting, his father did go out to get this. Within about 3 minutes my nephew ran into the house crying. His lip had been pinched so hard it broke blood vessels and was black. When my sister asked what happened, my nephew told her that dad got mad because he had moved one box and wasn't going to look any further. He said he told his father that "my dad is not a quitter" and he pinched his lip. My sister then went out into the pod and got the video game right from where my nephew said it was. Obviously my sister lost it and it began. Her husband claims he was called a quitter and that their 7 yo son was lying. In fact, said that he called him a quitter "10 times". That is the most preposterous comment he could have made as I could never imagine those words coming out of his mouth nor could his mother. In fact I wish he was more aggressive. This incident turned into hell for my sister for about two days as he continued to call his 7yo a liar and it escalted to pure hate towards his wife. I was so upset by this and knew I was going to get involved (right or wrong) that I called his daughter for advice on how I should deal with it. I understand needing to reprimand (although I didn't believe what he said), I was more ticked at his behavior AFTER the fact. What he called my sister could not have been any lower and I couldn't write it on here. I also know my nephew did not say what he claimed. My opinion is he snapped, realized it and was now caught.
After I told his daughter what occured and that I beleive he needs anger management, She told me I need to stay out of it and she couldn't understand this as they grew up in a Leave it to Beaver household. Sorry, that was sarcasm. Did I mention his first wife actually left him AND the kids after 20+ years? Could you imagine what really occured? She told me she would not say anything and we hung up. Well of course she didn't even have a good dial tone before she called him to tell him of our conversation. I actually told her I was going to tell him we had spoken but she said "don't say anything". I have nothing to hide and no quams going toe to toe with him. Regarding education accomplishments between his family and ours or any other issue. That would actually be a joke so he wouldn't go there with me, just my sister who never speaks up.
That night I got a phone call from him where he began to cuss me out pretty good. Screaming he has down. Of course I did not hold back and let it fly telling him he indeed had issues that included an out of control anger problem, he is violent and needed to get some help.
Now he will not speak to me and tells his wife he will have nothing to do with me etc. Unfortunately, it is my nephew that I miss.
I could not be a more calmer person. It is my nature, but this ordeal has me in a position of feeling like I should do something.
Should I have called his daughter, no. I should have realized that is his source of justification.
What do you do with someone who is so righteous would never admit to having a problem and I do not believe there is anyway he would seek help.
He also has certainly written me off because I challenged him.
My sister, loves him and is just trying to make it work so her son has his father. I do not get it, but also understand (if that makes sense).
There has never been a divorce in our family anywhere. We obviously grew up quite different.
I want a relationship with my nephew. I could just imagine what is going through his head. He actually asked his father if it was ok for me to come over when he wasn't there. How pitiful is that? What do I do now? I would try to approach him again but honestly, only for my nephew and I do not think he is capable of being rational. Especially now.
I'll take whatever advice you might have given the information I have shared.
Thanks, I really appreciate it.