I was bullied at school

[puma1]

Hello all,
I was one of the readers who responded to Mark Dombeck's essay "The Long Term Effects of Bullying" and suggested a place to find support for people who are being or have been bullied in school. I am so happy to see this board was created.
To give a short introduction of myself and my experience, I was bullied everyday from 6th - 8th grade. I was physically, verbally, and emotionally attacked by everyone in my class, with no allies to stand up for me. My strategy was to stay strong and never let them see me cry. I fought back. I told them that they were attacking me because I was the smallest, I didn't wear the right clothes, I didn't go with the mainstream - and this was not right. Unfortunately, I can't say this stopped the bullying.
My experience sounds so similar to the many others who have posted. I am now 27 and just becoming comfortable with the thought "I was victimized and abused. What happened to me was wrong, and has lasting effects. It was not just 'kids being kids'" Only by owning this can I now begin to heal and change. I am seeing a professional who is helping me feel empowered and no longer worthless and unworthy of good things.

I would love to talk with anyone with similar experiences. I hope this board grows into a community where we can find support and nourishment for ourselves.

[Mark]

What a great sentiment! I too hope this becomes a place where people can come together for mutual support.

You raise an important issue which is that many people who were bullied don't appreciate the impact that experience had on them. I'm NOT suggesting that people should look for ways to see themselves as a victim (that is not helpful), but I do know that the way being bullied affects you is subtle and you don't always realize where an attitude comes from. Having been bullied myself has resulted in me being a more angry person than I might otherwise have been, for instance. But the anger is not attached to the specific memories anymore - it just floats and gets attached to events that strike me as unjust. If I wasn't thinking about where it came from, I'd have assumed that it was a normal reaction to the unjust events I'm dealing with at the moment I'm angry, but really, it's more than that. That's what I mean by subtle.

[puma1]

Yes, I agree -there is a difference between being a "victim" and being "vicitmized."
I see myself as someone who was victimized, but is not a victim. I am a survivor :D

[Sunshine]

Wow, that was a fantastic post, Puma1! I agree 100 %.
I'm new here, but I read Mark Dombeck's essay and responded there too. We are survivors, and we do not want to be defined by the label "victim" anymore. In the last few years I, too, have come to realise that the bullying was something that happened to me, but it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't right, and I didn't deserve it. The bullying experience will always be part of me, and yes it has had lasting effects, but I am so much more than that. And life is so much more. :)

[puma1]

Isn't it interesting too, how if my parents hit and beat me everyday, it would be considered abuse with lasting effects, but because it was my peers, it's considered by many to be "just a part of growing up" and something to easily get over? Once I started looking at myself as someone who needed as much rehabilitation as a person who was a victimized (not a victim of) by child abuse, etc, I started to really give myself a break for what I was feeling.

[Sunshine]

That is so true, and people who say that bullying is just part of growing up don't have a clue what it's about. They are just downright ignorant. The sad thing is that the group of people who believe this includes many parents and teachers.

Another response that was very unhelpful to me when I was bullied, was : "Just ignore it." Well, yes, it would have been nice if I could have ignored it and not cared, but HOW do you ignore it when five people pin you down on the ground and kick you? The other thing is that I don't think children should be expected to be able to ignore non-violent forms of bullying, such as teasing, either. By saying "just ignore it", the adults give the child responsibility for making the bullying stop, and if the child is then unable to ignore it, the child is likely to blame herself/himself for the continued bullying. At least that's what happened to me. I tried and tried not to cry, but I couldn't, and I cried after all. As an adult, I feel uncomfortable about showing too much emotion to people that I don't know very well and trust very much. I'm getting better at it, though, and I'm starting to realise that showing emotion can be a positive thing.

Edit: Wopsie, I forgot to respond to your basic point --- Yes, bullying is definitely a form of abuse. And the peer group is a very important social agent, so being abused by peers should definitely "count".