Sexual Abuse - Should I tell? *HELP*

[mileyfan101]

I a sixteen year old high school student and when i was around 10 an elderly friend who my mother and I visited every second sunday or so sexually abused me for around 6 months.I don't really want to go into details but he would whisper to me not to tell anyone and eventually i got away and acted like i wanted to sit with his wife and my mom even though he kept calling me out to the lounge room. I don't know whether i should just get over it and im being silly because it didn't go on that long . I was so scared but i didn't want to tell my mom because i didn't want to cause upset in the family. I really have trouble trusting men and im scared to get in a close bond or relationship with a boy and don't know if this is why. should i tell someone even if its just a friend I really don't know what to do if i should say something or forget it and try to move.

Please any sugestions or advice will be really helpful.

[Natalie]

Hi Mileyfan 101-
You are very brave for even admitting this to us. All abuse is hard for most people to talk about, but as you might imagine, sexual abuse is one of the most difficult to discuss.

I strongly encourage you to seek out some professional counseling with a trained psychotherapist to get some help. I imagine that you don't have your own insurance because of your age, so probably the first step would be to have an open and honest discussion with your mother (since she will probably wonder why you all of the sudden want to visit a therapist).

The reason why it is so important to seek professional help is already coming thru in your post; you thoughts/feelings/reactions to this abuse can prevent future successful relationships (even of the non-sexual kind). Often, you have difficulty trusting- and trust in others is a very important characteristic to have.

Do you feel comfortable talking to your mother about this?

[mileyfan101]

hi thanks for replying
i really don't want to tell my mom yet as the man who did this is now really old and his wife is too and she would be so upset if we didn't come and i think my mom will be so upset about this - i don't know if she'll cope

[xaq75]

Hey mileyfan :)

I was sexually abused when I was 10 by a family member and I think I can kinda understand the concerns your having. I didn't tell my mum until I was 29 and in the end lied about who did it. I told her it was my dad because I knew that he abused my half-brother, but it was my h/brother who abused me when he was 16. I still can't tell her the truth to this day as I'm afraid what it would do to what little family I have left. My dad died when I was 16 from alcohol poisoning so I thought it would do less harm for him to get the blame. I havn't seen my brother for the last 17 years. I've forgiven him and don't really feel the need to tell mom but thats me.

I don't know what to advise to you though ... but please talk to someone about it, even if it's confidential and secret. I know it's really embarressing, but theres really no need for it to be. Your not in the wrong and it's not your fault and anything that happens from now on wouldn't be your fault either.

You are your moms most precious baby and she would want to know if your hurting so that she can be there for you and do all that she can to make it better for you. You are very important and deserve to develop to your full potential as a human being.

The abuser is also a human being and needs help too so you will be doing him a favour by letting someone know so that he can eventually receive the help he needs.

I hope that you'll feel resiliance to do what you want, even if it's done gradually and drop hints so that your mom could put 2 and 2 together and perhaps approach you.

[Natalie]

Hi-
I definitely understand your reluctance.
So, you have some choices. You can ask your mom about getting in therapy without confiding to her the reason why you would like to talk to someone.
Or, you can tell her the issue (that you were abused) without telling her who it was.
Do either of those options sound workable? I could see the first being a bit hard, as your mother would probably want a reason....

I also really like XAQ75's point. The abuser needs help too. Also, is there any possible way that the abuser could be doing it to someone else? That's something to think about as well.

[texasgirl]

Let me start off by saying, I know what your feeling. Yes you should tell someone. However I understand you hesitation in not knowing who to talk to, I never told anyone either I chose to bury the emotions, memories and feelings for years. I am now at age 36 suffering from the after shocks of the the choices I made to keep my mouth shut as a child. If I had it to do over, yes I would have told someone.

Texas girl.

[disfunctional in daytona]

The abuser will not stop unless he is forcefully stopped. he probeley will attack another child. i believe that you should tell someone that will report this vicous attacker. so that he will get the help he needs. you should get help also stuffing the emotions will come back and harm you.

[paula]

I agree also. If you don't mention this to your mum, then she is not going to know what sort of a man he really is?

Your mother probably praises this man, along with his wife, and yet if she only knew him for what he really is?

This man is taking advantage of you and your mother. No matter how old he is, Obviously, he knows what he's doing! He sure does when he abused you! If this man is a friend, like you say he is. Whether he be your mum's friend or your's or both! A friend does not abuse a friend's daughter. It is despicable what he has done!

Put it this way. He wasn't thinking of how good a friend's you are when he was abusing you was he, NO! Just goes to show what he thinks of the friendship doesn't it when he has to abuse a friend's daughter. A friend who trust him with her daughter.

I know that it's unfair on his wife, But it's just as well that she finds out. Finds out what a pervert he is! You've got to be cruel to be kind! Remember that!

Paula:eek:

[mrsdz]

I am so sorry for the emotional suffering you are going through because of this man. You are so young and have a whole life ahead of you. I have a daughter just a couple of years older than you were when it happened to you. If something like this happened to her I would hope she would come and tell me.

I feel as though you should let your mother, father, sibling, someone know what has happened so that you can get the proper care and justice be served upon him so he does not do this to another. Do not have any shame in telling someone, that is what this man wanted you to feel so you did not tell on him. He is the criminal not you, try not to punish yourself. You were just a child and in no way was this your fault.

[gordian knot]

mileyfan,

There are a couple more things you might want to think about (as if this was not enough to think and worry about!)...

First, most people who abuse children do not usually start abusing when they are old. Usually it starts when they are young. It is very likely the abuse techniques he used on you have been practiced over and over again--maybe on a number of different children in the past. He did not do this because you were special or bad, he did it because he has a problem he is not able to control on his own and no one else has ever forced him to get help. There are almost certainly other victims out there, and for whatever reasons, they have not pressed charges against this man. So, if you decide to stand up, it will not be just for yourself (I know it can feel lonely and you might not feel like it is worth it just to do it for yourself), but for all of the other children this man has abused. In fact, if you come forward, it might help other people come forward and get help for themselves as well.

Abuse traps the victim in an emotional cage where they feel alone and powerless, even years after the abuse has stopped. It is not something victims can just decide to "get over" or "put behind them". Our deepest feelings do not respond to the commands of our brain. Abuse brings out the deepest and scariest feelings inside a person, and the feelings do not have a time limit.


The other thing I wanted to mention, just so you will have all of the information. If you tell a professional person (counselor, minister, school administrator, teacher, etc.) they may be required by law to report the abuse to the police and/or to your parent. The reason I'm telling you this is because you have already been violated repeatedly by this man. Often, an abuse victim feels violated again when the person they told in confidence reports the abuse to the authorities. Some people might not agree with me telling you this, and I CERTAINLY am not trying to keep you from telling anyone, but I wanted to save you the feelings of betrayal if you tell someone this secret and they are required to pass along the information. I think it is good for you to have all the information so you can make an informed decision.

I REALLY do think you should tell someone and start talking to a counselor, even if it doesn't seem like such an extreme case to you. This is really not at all about this man or his wife or what he deserves or how your mom will feel. This is about the help I think you already know you need to get, for your own healing and path to your best life.


One more thing. My wife was abused severely (physically & sexually) and tortured repeatedly as a child by her grandfather. We are in our 30s and she still deals with the pain and insecurity every day and the mental health issues this has introduced into her life. Yet, she has continued to get help and she is on her way to becoming a psychologist herself--she is triumphing over the demons in her own past by getting help and becoming part of the solution for others. You too can have a great life; your potential is still unlimited. This man did not take your dreams or your womanhood away from you. You can reclaim your childhood as well by starting to work through these issues, none of which were your fault.


Blessings to you mileyfan. I know this is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

voiceless no more,

Sean

[JustTrying]

Please tell somone.... I too was abused as a child and the torture I put myself through while this man went on with his merry life. He also abused one more girl that I know if. He had daughters, I wonder did he do this to them to??? He took away my childhood and for many years I was very angry .. not just at him but everyone. I know it is scary, You just wish he would quit. But please deal with this for your sake.. YOU are very important.

Gabby