Stepchild and Deceit

[3andO]

Hello everyone and thank you for any input!

My marriage has crumbled and I really don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, he has a 21 year daughter and I have a 15 year old son. We have never been able to come together as a family unit because of our disagreement about our kids... well, his in particular, mine as a by-product.

When my husband I met, his daughter was 16 years old and had dropped out of school. She slept all day and partied all night... drinking and drugs. At the time my husband said he needed me to advise him on what he should do... I told him that he needed to set some ground rules, establish consequences when rules are broken, and follow through with it no matter how bad things got. I believe in tough love. Yes, he agreed that this is what he should do, but he never could do it. When she would mess up royally, he would actually reward her with new Dolce Gabana, Dior, Bebe, Guess, shopping sprees. When we went house hunting several years ago, he would ask for her input on the house and neighborhood and if she said she wouldn't live there, then it was scratched off our list... same with restuarants, cars, groceries... if she said no, then the answer was ultimately no. It really bothered me and I expressed my feelings without reservation.

Maybe out of guilt or not wanting any friction or embarrassment, my husband started to just leave me out of the loop completely and would go and do things with his daughter and never mention them to me. I call it taking the back-door. When I would find out about things he had done or $$$ spent, he would either tell me a half-truth, or no-truth about it. As he believes, if you don't tell someone something it's not a lie.

It was very difficult and painful to sit back and watch but I got to where I would just let things ride until I was to the point of exploding. To make matters worse, when he would ask my advise on what he should do when things happened with her, he would then turn it around and blame me.... "you're just jealous... you hate her" "hey, she's my baby".

When things would get really, really bad with her, my husband would send her to live with her mother in Germany because he just couldn't take it anymore. They would talk everyday, she would promise that things would be different, that she had changed, etc and within a month or two, back she would come.

This is the cycle that has continued throughout our marriage, and his daughter is now 21 years old. Two months ago she decided she didn't want to be in Germany anymore and wanted to move back AGAIN... she had been there off and on for a year. I disagreed vehemently with her moving back because she had a good stable environment with her Mom. She had a job (which is something she never had living with us), car, etc. My husband was on the brink of bankruptcy at the time she said she wanted to move back... she would have no job, no car, NOTHING and my husband could not afford to support her in the fashion that she was used to. But my husband said that she is his baby and he would not throw her out, and that if I didn't like I could leave. Which is exactly what I did.

In the meantime, he called me and saw me everyday and promised that he would change and that he would not foot the bill for his daughter anymore, that she would have to get a job and earn the things she wants. He said that our separation had opened his eyes and he could see that he raised her wrong, and he was a changed man now. With the promise made, I agreed to move back home ASAP. The next day though, without a word being spoken to me about it, he went out and bought his daughter a new VW and added her to his insurance policy. He said she would be responsible for the payments... which is difficult since it's been 2 months and she is still unemployed but "looking"... up all night, sleeping all day. I was very disappointed and felt like once again, he chose to lie to me where his daughter is concerned and turned it back on me, because as soon as I said anything, he just says I hate her.

Anyway, I do love my husband, but I don't love the way he is with his daughter. It has caused so much pain to me and him and I don't know what to do anymore. I believe his relationship with his daughter is extremely unhealthy for her and for us, but is it really any of my business? Am I out of line for wanting my husband to set some rules and consequences and raise a productive, contributing member to society? I want him to be honest with me and include me in the decisions of our household. He obviously has a wonderful relationship with his daughter... she's happy as a doodle bug-not a care in the world- and he's happy because she's happy, so maybe I'm really wrong... totally off base in what my role as a step-parent/wife should be/are.

I'm very frustrated and confused!

Any advise would be appreciated.

[paula]

Hi 3and0

First:You say his daughter is 21yrs old. Then she is an adult and should be acting like an adult.

Second: She should be living in her own place at that age, where she can come and go as she pleases.

Third: Your husband should be involving you in these father/daughter issues. When he married you, it was to be a family, am I right. That family should discuss issues among them self's. (all of you)

This very much sound's to me, that the daughter is doing her best to win her father over you! By negotiating everything with her father. I totally agree with you, that it is her father's fault in the first place, for allowing this to happen.

He should of told his daughter before he married you, that from now on, all decisions are made between the four of you including your son.

It very much sound's to me as if your husband wants his cake and also wants to eat it? By way of means: He wants to keep his daughter sweet, no matter who he hurts in the process. But he also wants to keep hold of you too.

Have you ever thought that this is what his daughter is after. She is playing you both, against each other. Think about it? She would love nothing more than to have her father for herself, like she used too.

She will do everything in her power to make this happen, and if it means asking/accepting gift's, even though she knows he's on the verge of bankrupt, then she will.

But you mark my word's. When he's got nothing, when he is declared bankrupt, then you won't see her for dust. She won't want to know him then. That's when it will be left up to you to pick up all the broken pieces. Your husband will then be devastated by her action's.

That will be the time when he will want you! I've seen it to many times.

That is your husband that she is so fond of taking money off. You are man & wife. What ever you have, regarding money, house, business, shares, you name it. It belongs to both of you, and you kindly want to remind your husband that!

Because, if he goes down, then you know what is going to happen don't you? He is going to drag you down with him! And where will his precious daughter be then? No where to be seen, I bet my cotton sock's on it!

You want to nip it in the bud now before it's to late? I would suggest that you see a Lawyer, while you've still got the chance! You want to get thing's written up, on paper, before she screw's him out of everything you own.

By doing it that way, at least he can't leave you with totally nothing! Look at it this way. You've put five year's into this marriage, you want something out of it, even if it's only your pride!

Go for it girl and play him/her at their own game.

Good luck!

Paula:p