anya8
09-06-2008, 04:27 PM
hi,
i have suffered from depression and social anxiety on and off for most of my adult life- i'm 28. my anxiety in school was so bad that i could never concentrate on what was being said as i was terrified (sweating palms, trembling) that i would be chosen to participate in a classroom activity, i avoided school as much as possible - which heavily effected my friendships and education. at 16 i was so terrified of being put in a confronting position that i went to life with my mother's family abroad and skipped an entire year of high school. on my return to school i explained this fear to my family doctor who put me on arapax. on arapax i was far less self conscious and able to function better. i got a boyfriend and felt finally a 'member of society'. i stopped taking arapax after 5 years as i felt that i could no longer feel the effects of the pills and didn't like the idea of living my entire life dependent on pharmaceuticals. after 6 months i was avoiding social situations again. i started taking zoloft. on zoloft i became extremely outgoing and started living a life of excess -abusing drugs and alcohol (whether or not zoloft and this toxic era have a relationship, i'm not sure). prior to traveling in 2005 i decided to stop taking all medication. after 2 months i became extremely depressed and agitated, with thoughts that i was useless, had more opportunities than most people but had done nothing with these because i was intrinsically a bad, lazy, useless person who would never be able to be rid of social hangups.
that was 3 years ago. 1 month ago i started sliding back into the avoidance of social situations. now i live in a country where i am noticeably a foreigner. this has fulled my paranoia. now i shake visibility when i talk to random people. i am hearing what i am not when discussing positively the attributes and qualities of another person. i have a boyfriend and feel terrible that he has to see me like this- dependent on him for human contact. i resent that he has friends and no problems with the outside world. i feel that i am getting more and more isolated and irrational and clever with my hypothetical scenario building. i understand that what i am doing is self destructive and irrational but i just can't seem to find a way to stop it. i am in a foreign land with no real friends or family and i am really concerned about my mental health. i really want to live free of these thoughts and emotions and preferably without drugs.
please help.
i have suffered from depression and social anxiety on and off for most of my adult life- i'm 28. my anxiety in school was so bad that i could never concentrate on what was being said as i was terrified (sweating palms, trembling) that i would be chosen to participate in a classroom activity, i avoided school as much as possible - which heavily effected my friendships and education. at 16 i was so terrified of being put in a confronting position that i went to life with my mother's family abroad and skipped an entire year of high school. on my return to school i explained this fear to my family doctor who put me on arapax. on arapax i was far less self conscious and able to function better. i got a boyfriend and felt finally a 'member of society'. i stopped taking arapax after 5 years as i felt that i could no longer feel the effects of the pills and didn't like the idea of living my entire life dependent on pharmaceuticals. after 6 months i was avoiding social situations again. i started taking zoloft. on zoloft i became extremely outgoing and started living a life of excess -abusing drugs and alcohol (whether or not zoloft and this toxic era have a relationship, i'm not sure). prior to traveling in 2005 i decided to stop taking all medication. after 2 months i became extremely depressed and agitated, with thoughts that i was useless, had more opportunities than most people but had done nothing with these because i was intrinsically a bad, lazy, useless person who would never be able to be rid of social hangups.
that was 3 years ago. 1 month ago i started sliding back into the avoidance of social situations. now i live in a country where i am noticeably a foreigner. this has fulled my paranoia. now i shake visibility when i talk to random people. i am hearing what i am not when discussing positively the attributes and qualities of another person. i have a boyfriend and feel terrible that he has to see me like this- dependent on him for human contact. i resent that he has friends and no problems with the outside world. i feel that i am getting more and more isolated and irrational and clever with my hypothetical scenario building. i understand that what i am doing is self destructive and irrational but i just can't seem to find a way to stop it. i am in a foreign land with no real friends or family and i am really concerned about my mental health. i really want to live free of these thoughts and emotions and preferably without drugs.
please help.