Really need help!

[Ob1one]

I attend Notre Dame High school and I am picked on a lot there.

You see Notre Dame has a zero tolerance for violence in any way, so they need to attack you mentally so they can mess with you.

What they do to me is call me gay, fag, have no friends, girl will never love you, etc.

I can break these guys down to a pile of ashes from words but then again I know how it feels to be heart mentally not physically so I try my best to just take it and go.

I've been getting more and more violent, isolated, dark, depressed, aggressive to any human being, etc.

Before this year even started I was already feeling bad and now it's a lot worse. Before the year started I was praying that I would kill anyone and now I more afraid then ever that I will kill someone.

It's a scary concept for me because I'm big and I know what I'm doing in a fight. I practice all day on martial arts for one, physical help and two, Mental stability.

Because of my size and experience I can take these guys down easily but it scares me to think I might be pushed to far.

I had therapy over an anxiety disorder and now I have some therapy for anger here and there though I'm very solitary I don't like being around people or talking to them, webs still talking I know. I don't like to go get help so I stay and try to figure it out myself to try and avoid human contact at all cost.

therapy is hard for me but it got me through anxiety now anger is a lot harder for me to control.

A weird thing anger has done to me is make me more into an animal. Respectable yet aggressive, strong yet avoids humans, some solitary stuff like that it sounds like a cool concept but everyone know how bad that is for your head.

Being around people has been putting me into a corner and I feel the urge to attack everyone and I don't know how to talk it out or who to talk to or even what to do when the situation is happening.

Simply what can I do to stop these violent urges I have had for the past 3 weeks(I start school earlier then other people).


P.S. please don't change this into a different subject like I've seen happen on one of my posts, I'm getting pretty desperate for advice right now.

[Mark]

This is complicated, because 1) bullying is difficult to change, 2) because you are isolated, 3) because (as we've talked about in the past, as I recall) all the preparation you do for defending yourself seems to suggest that in part, you'd like someone to push you too far, so that you can feel justified in letting loose (with disasterous consequences for you, I'm sure). Being so isolated, I think you get out of touch with different ways of handling the teasing and abuse, and lock in on the aggressive response. They call that "group think" as I recall, except you are a group of one. The antidote here is to talk about the situation with other people and try to do some reality testing.

Have you spoken to people in authority at the high school informing them about the teasing and letting them know that it is having a negative effect on you? They may be able to do something re: calling off the worst offenders, or making clear that there is zero tolerance for bullying too (and thus the bullying kids run the risk of being kicked out of school too). Alerting the school authorities helps create a record that kids are bothering you, which will be important should this ever erupt into anything out of control. It could help ward off the explosion you fear, or it could just be covering your ass, but in any event it seems reasonable to me that you think about doing that (talking to authorities). They may also be able to provide a school counselor, who might be lame, but also might be able to be of some help to you (you won't know until you try speaking to the counselor).

Do you do anything to de-stress yourself? anything fun or pleasureable? Becuase now is a time to lean on such activities as a distraction from the pain of being abused/teased. And as a way of reminding yourself that there is good stuff in life.

Anyone else have any thoughts? That's mine for the immediate moment.

Mark

[Ob1one]

What I do for extra activities are little like Kung Fu... actually its the only extra activity I do though I was looking into a meditation class involving self healing(help your body heal quicker), and also inner peace.

My mother is a little scared that it will hurt me in anyway because it can be spiritual and she doesn't want me to do it because it normally involves Budda though I keep telling her it can be positive as far as using it to get closer to God but she a bit tentative about it.

[paula]

Hi Oblone

I'm a great believer in the Buddah!

If that is what you choose to do, then I would say go for it!

No matter what god or doctrine you believe in,
if you become attached to it,
Your belief will be based more or less on a self-centered idea......
in constantly seeking to actualize your ideal,
you will have no time for composure.

Paula

[Natalie]

Ob1one-
You seem to have found a physical way to express your feelings, so I think adding a mental component is really important. A mental practice might help to keep your anger "resting state" lower... so that you are less able to act out when other people bother you.

Meditation shouldn't be harmful to you- the only thing negative I have heard with regard to this practice is that some people who are prone to anxiety don't like the sensation of clearing away all thoughts, etc. Some forms of meditation are not spiritually based, so if that is not appealing, you could always choose a different form of this practice.

If meditation doesn't work or if it's not your thing, there are other mental practices you could try, such as visualization, deep breathing, etc. See our stress management article for more suggestions.

[Avalon_May]

You could move schools... or
you could fight back with words... they need to know how it feels...
i mean if its not working by ignoring them...

I am not very good with words so i just ignored them and there has become less and less teasing for me.
but thats obviously not working for you...

Moving schools also seems like a good idea. You will get a clean break...
its wat i plan to do eventually if things get any worse for me

[kaudio]

The Teachings of Buddha encourage reflection and contemplation. One's belief in Buddha is not necessary to appreciate the Teachings, and one's belief in Buddha is not sufficient to understand them either. So, if you have some sort of principled conflict about meditation you can rest easy as it is not the intention of Buddha or the Teachings to supplant your beliefs. That said though, meditation is a time for personal reflection and contemplation on issues raised by the Teachings and life in general. You achieve clarity of mind - or clearing of the mind - when you gain new appreciation of the Teachings through experience.

Of course, by now I appreciate my own existential slant on things so maybe my interpretation of meditation is skewed, but I remember reading that the Dalai Llama once recommended meditation with one's eyes open to keep the mind firmly in reality. So, whether I am biased or not, others who meditate may share in my opinion that meditation demands involvement in reality, it is not an exercise in oblivion.

Thus, while I appreciate that you are suffering at school, you have other priorities which can be considered. I'm sure there are homework assignments and readings, hobbies, and other activities which demand your attention. So, if the treatment you receive at school is hampering your progress in your other priorities in life you should take Mark's advice and speak to school staff about it. Another perspective is that you are entitled to live your life in a safe environment and in a way that allows you to advance yourself; so long as you do not appear to interfere in either of these for those around you - generally - society will support your endeavors.