My story

[Ronny]

Hey evryone. My name is Ronny And im from Norway.

I dont exactly know where to start ,but i feel like i just need to tell my story.(you have to excuse my poor english).

Ive been depressed for almost as long as i can remember(im 21year old in 1 month). My lifes hell started when i was 6years, and it has never been easy sins then. Ive many times been depressed for as long as 6 months straight, been close to suicide many times when i was younger, but after i got 16 its never been a option anymore. I feel like i goten to far to quit now although i get constantly reminded of poor memories and still have trouble with depression, i just feel traped in away sins suicide is not a option anymore and i just seem stuck in my life. I will try and start at the beginning.

When i was 6 years old my sister got born and i started school. On school i got instantly a bully victim by quite many and quite many insulted/calling me names etc. I went on school from when i was 6years - 12years, during that period ther was commen to be picked on by up to 50people calling me names etc daily. Evryone of their saluts/hey was an insult, cause they said hello to me with my name with a twist. instead of Ronny, they said Ronke. wich means wanker/jerk off. Although most dident knew the meaning off it i ges. I was often fighting in school, almost evryday with someone. many times they ganged up on me to up to 12people, but i always fought back no matter the Nr. It never helped telling the teachers, they never did a thing about it nor seem to care. *Before you go all, you must have been the problem ther is something wrong with you. etc.* Many people seem to have tryd to make me feel that way, but i never picked on any1 or was mean to anyone(unless they were mean to me first ofc).And i was always kind and polite, but over years when i look back and think off it, at times dosent make sence at all. But i know why some was cruel to me and i think the rest kinda just follwed.

1. I was quite intelligent, many times my classmates seem to got jealous cause i could do stuff they couldent wich was also physical stuff. I was also quite good in Soccer, in the first grade teachers said i was like 3-4years infront of the other kids when it came to knowlegde/math etc. And the Soccer coach said i was the best soccerplayer on their team. Also ended up in a newspaper on Norway Cup, wich was quite new back then. The paper only wrote about me, not the team. Wich many of my soccer/classmates got very jealous(sry i got no idea how to write this word).

2. My mother, Brother, Sister was in a newspaper about that they had seen ufos etc. From that i got the nick name UFO Ronny. I can laugh of it today cause it sounds funny, but back then ther was not any funny at all.

man and i was supposed to make this story short, goten nowhere. But i got no people to talk to who understands me. I always got to keep things locked up inside for the sake of others, and myself too tbh. I try not to think to much, i just get realy depressed if i do.

Anyway, back at home as my sister growed up she got more and more cruel to me. She kept hitting me, and she could just yell MOM!. at anytime my mother would rush directly to me and yell and grabbing me hard, blaming me for abseloutly evrything that went wrong. My younger sister manipulated my mother so easly, if i was playing with a toy f.e she could just yell MOM!, Ronny Hit me.+ fake tears, and i got in a lot of trouble. I was the black sheep in the family without 1 single question asked about what happend. Evrything just naturaly seem to fall on me. I got in alot of fights with my sister and mother. To make evrything shorter they drived me crazy, Resulting in me running away alot from my house. We live on the country side so i quite often just runned away outside in the woods in the dark. I was doing it cause i was tired/mad/sad. But today im 100%sure it was good i did that, it gave me and escape and some peace wich i did never get anywhere, not school not home.

I remember once in the middle of a winter, i cant remember why but i got so mad once i took my skis and went on a ski trip trough the woods in the middle of night. I could barly see few steps infront of me. i was 10-11year old and i walked on skies for about 5miles. Weird thing is i can only remember 1 picture from that trip, i remember watching up on a small hill with a little stream running at the downpart of it.The snow by the way was about 1meter deep at least. I remember i looked up on that hill and asked myself, should i lie down here and die?. at that time ther was nobody who cared or wanted to help me, or even aknowlegde i was even their, i felt like a ghost or a shadow. I know it might sound cliche but this is how i felt. I dont know why but i just continued my trip and made a huge circel back home And dissmissing my thought. Dont remember any of the trip back home either other then when i got back and was standing outside the door to my house. When u go trough the door in the front entrance we have a phone ther. And when i was walked closer to the door, i could hear my mother talking in the phone. Calling evry1 she knows to tell them how a horrible kid i was. Calling me all kinds of words that i dont wanna repeat here. I felt like leaving forever, i put my skis on and went about 20 meters when i heard my father coming on the skis from were i had gone, He had been following me/my ski pattern. a small comfort tho.

But i growed up with a mother that i never felt like cared about me. And ive been confronting her a lot with stuff she does wrong over the years. Weird thing is today we have a great relationship, shes like a angel to me today, before she was like the devil. She has changed so much its beyond words. However more weird thing is she dont remember anything bad about our past, to her its like it never happend anything. Except my confrontations etc that i did from about 13-16 but before i was 13years i dont seem to exist a past ther in her mind. Thus i get a feeling, cause she cant remember it, it dosent mean it dident happend anything to me. , But i ges thats the price i must pay to have a good relationship with my mom today.

I never had any freinds to talk to, but i got 2 that i consider freind today. Both of them are very close to 40years old. I got no relation to any on my own age(21). And i always feel like they are waaay to childish. Call it cocky but in my mind im not 21 i feel more like 40, cause i had lots of experince in my life that i learned alot from. thus evolved quicker.

But i dont seem to get rid of my depression ther seem to be always something that reminds me of bad memories and if i stop and think i just get so sad. My life isent perfect, but it coulda been worse today. I belive my depression started about 12-13 after i quit school at 12. And i basicly have had it since. I do try and help myself, i watch comedy shows etc that makes me laugh and well trys evrything i can to make myself cherry and happy, but it only works in the moment i laugh.

I dont know why im even posting here, but i just feel to express my story. I belive it might help me a little, by letting more people know. I know of course im not the solo person in the world who struggles and so on and i told far from evrything, but i just need to tell something about me to people. I ges some of the reason is cause it gets ignored around me in real life, although im quite open about it. both online and offline. But if u guys have any tips to make the days easyer i gladly appricate it.

I dont expect to gain any pity or something, just knowing someone reads my post is good enough realy:). Thank you for lisstning.

Peace

Ps this got waaaaay longer then i ment to:)

[Mark]

That is a sad history, Ronny. A lot of abuse - from your schoolmates and from your sister and mother.

actually, for someone who is depressed and at times close to suicide, you come off as though you are doing well. You have a sense of perspective that things could be worse, and you have some friends. This is a positive thing and something that suggests your resilience in the face of depressing circumstances. I don't mean to belittle your depressive feelings, but only to point out that some other people who are depressed become totally isolated and hopeless and lose their perspective entirely. And I'm glad to see that you've retained some of your hope and perspective. It is helpful to you in your journey towards feeling better.

Can I ask what is your living circumstance? Do you live with your parents still or are you independent? It can be very hard to live with family who are abusive. It's hard to not live with family who are abusive too :) (because even if you live independently, they are still your family) but slightly easier.

Mark

[Ronny]

That is a sad history, Ronny. A lot of abuse - from your schoolmates and from your sister and mother.

actually, for someone who is depressed and at times close to suicide, you come off as though you are doing well. You have a sense of perspective that things could be worse, and you have some friends. This is a positive thing and something that suggests your resilience in the face of depressing circumstances. I don't mean to belittle your depressive feelings, but only to point out that some other people who are depressed become totally isolated and hopeless and lose their perspective entirely. And I'm glad to see that you've retained some of your hope and perspective. It is helpful to you in your journey towards feeling better.

Can I ask what is your living circumstance? Do you live with your parents still or are you independent? It can be very hard to live with family who are abusive. It's hard to not live with family who are abusive too :) (because even if you live independently, they are still your family) but slightly easier.

Mark

I live with my father, they separated. (but im proud of them they have been able to remain freinds even if it was kinda bad brake up). They live 1mile from each other so i can just visit any of them when i feel like it Mother/father. I have to admit living my father aint bad at all i help him on the farm etc. But when it comes to my very own life i am very confused. I got no desire to become anything, i dont have any goal or anything. So at the moment im just confused what im gona focus on and what goal im gona set in my life.

I think my years of depression has made me colder in many ways, lost intrest of things, old hobbies etc. Even though i have a bad past with my sister i still have been kinda forced to guide her. I always got the responsibility when younger to watch my sister evrywhere i went. I taught her the diffrence between right and wrong that nor mother/father never did. I do love my parents, but they are not the best in raising kids. However they do some stuff correct, they always give u freedom, to think/act like you desire urself they never force anything on you when it comes to ways of thinking, religion and just how u look on life. Today im very tired of helping my sister but i will do it as long as it is necessary, mostly psychological. She also have struggled alot with school and goten depressed by it. We used to argue alot but less and less each year cause she gets more mature i ges(Shes 15 today). And my mother particuarly has a tendency to make her feel sad, So im always ther to cheer her up when she gets sad. My mother dont do it on purpose but she always remind her of the downsides in herlife that makes my sister just more sad. My sis Hates school and my mother counts the days to the vacation verbaly. Wich you proaly understand makes evrything goes quite slow for my sis and just makes her more sad. So today i constantly need to cheer her up psychological and i also feel like i cant live this place until shes finished with school. Cause seriously if i leave i think it will get to tough for my sis. So again i feel kinda traped and confused on what to do.

[Anguish]

Hi, Ronny, you sound like a very kind person! Your little sister is very lucky to have a big brother like you! :)

I'm sorry you had such a rough time growing up. I was fortunate to have good parents who loved me (and each other) but I too was bullied at school. (I'm a girl but it happens to us too--only more often with us it's more "psychological", name-calling etc, being left-out, than actual physical bullying). But it still hurts a lot, and it practically destroyed my self-esteem. I couldn't fight back because that was not being "lady-like". I wish, just once, I had punched out my chief tormenter--I don't care if that's ladylike or not, I bet it would have made her back off!

To this day, I avoid people. I just don't trust them. The same people who tormented me in school started out as my friends. Why they turned against me, I will never know. I tried asking the ringleader about it once, and she acted like I had imagined the whole thing! (If I did, then my best friend and others are equally delusional, because they remember the same thing!!)

But you're young, and you're bright. You still have a lot to look forward to.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Therapy and/or meds might help you a lot!

Good luck to you! :)

[Ronny]

Thank You i accpreciate your comment :)

To me therapist are no good, they maybe in other places diffrent countrys etc. But here they are quite insane. I was to a psychologist once, and i dont think i ever meet a more naive and delusional person in my life. I dont want to offend the entire psyhological community who has a degree and evrything but i proaly will now. Life Teaches you about Life, not a book written by a drunk. You cant jugde/understand the human nature by 1 persons experience. My older sister has a degree in psyhcology and shees so poor to read between the lines and understand the human nature. Herself keeps running, deny evrything bad that happends. She was both better with people and understood more about life before she started studying psyhcology. If i was gona explain why i think and look psychologists this way it would proaly take 2 pages, but both me and more people in my family has had a realy bad experience with the psychologist`s. 1 commen thing about 5psych- that i know off, is that they never lissen to a word u say.(if anyone feel offended just look on it as my opinion).

Anguish i hope things looks a little brighter for you today. I know all to well how about the psychological side of beeing bullied. People talk about you behind your back, lying, make up storys, shuts you out, points and laugh when u walk by etc. Ive experienced all this and more and it affects ur very soul(i feel with you and if it is any comfort i know exactly how it feels like). You get low confident as u mentiond, scared of people, afriad going out, looks on urself as a failure, worthless and so on. But we are not if that was true why do so many people care that much about us so they have to say something negativ to you?(makes them feel better and the only way how, cause they are weak). And it suprises me no matter the gender the person whos beeing pickd on, is the wrong gender no matter what. Most/if not evryone at a certain time wich they were a man/woman cause its true in certain cases beeing a diffrent gender might have solved some probs, but then other problems would have rised. Like me(im a man), and i feel like im supposed to be tough im supposed to endure and take evrything from evryone cause im a guy and im supposed to suck it up. Both physical and psyhological. And i always thought what if i where a woman, would they punsh me in the face and act this way to me?. i doubt, but then other probs would proaly arise.

While im talking about gender. I always hear somewhere. "Men!" "Womans", to me this is the most useless comment, If 1 man is an asshole "Men" get dragged in like we are all asholes. Exactly the same about womans too. If people could just say f.e John. "Bloody John" instead of Going to "Men" Or "Womens". I say we are either just as good or just as bad. A bit off track now but oh well.

Anyway i wish you the best of luck Anguish and hope your future brings a lot of good times:)

I talk to much. Sorry.

[Lie_low]

Hey Ronny, I just want to say that I can relate. I was made fun of in school, and i could never fight back or tell anyone.
My older sister used to watch us while my parents were at work. She would do things like literally sit on me for an hour just to make me upset. My sister would blame things on me, and I would get punished. She would lie and say that she did not hurt me, that I was doing it for attention, and my mother would believe her. Things like this make me greatful that I'm not a kid anymore. It seems like you are doing well. Good luck to you.

Meredith

[Ronny]

:( i feel with u meredith. at times family`s can be quite cruel, but in many cases they are all u got. I hope u goten some justice today about what happend before.

Best of luck to you Meredith