mourningperson
03-24-2008, 04:58 AM
Hello,
I was formerly diagnosed as clinically depressed in 1991 - although I know that I was depressed years before that. I'm 53 years old.
Since 91, I have tried out every anti depressant except the MAOI's. I believe I did a short stint with Lithium, but nothing of any length.
Although I suffered with depression all these years, it was somewhat manageable.
My husband and I were quite clear that my depression was affected by my hormonal fluctuations/PMS.
About 2-3 years ago, I've kind of lost count at this point, my depression all of a sudden, escalated to an all time high.
Suddenly I was completely incapacitated and having suicidal ideation.
We were quite desperate and began to hear about VNS (Vagal Nerve Stimulation) therapy.
Amazingly, I was able to get my HMO (Kaiser Permanente) to let me have the surgery, to have the device implanted.
Briefly, it's like a pacemaker device, implanted in my chest with a wire that runs from it up around the vagal nerve in my neck.
Every few seconds, the implant gives off a mild electrical stimulation, that effects the nerve. Supposedly, this was "cutting edge" technology in the treatment for depression. (It's been used, successfully, to treat epilepsy for some time).
Unfortunately, after at least a year's trial, the conclusion was reached that it was not helping my depression and the device was turned off.
My depression continued to escalate, alarmingly.
As a total last resort, I agreed to undergo ECT treatments.
Between reading Kitty Dukakis's book in which she touted her experience with ECT and well meaning friends who said they knew of people who had been helped tremendously by ECT, my husband and I decided to do it.
So, last January and February, I underwent 13 treatments.
It was the scariest and most horrendous experience of my life - and believe me, I've had my share......
After the 13 treatments, I was advised to continue with "maintenance" treatments.
I decided not to.
It was true that I was no longer feeling suicidal, but that was only because I was so spaced out and memory impaired from the treatments.
I was in a daze and very subdued for quite some time afterwards.
I'm still experiencing memory problems, but I realize that could also be attributable to meds (Cymbalta, Ambien and Klonopin - on an "as needed" basis - or the depression itself.
I was "maintaining" somewhat, still pretty depressed - then, this last August, my younger (46) sister (only sibling), who I loved very much, died unexpectedly from liver failure due to her many years of alcoholism.
Although, totally in grief, I rose to the occasion and handled a lot of things that needed to be done after her death.
Unexplicably, in November, I began to feel better than I had in quite awhile, and began to do more things and started to get my life back.
Let me add here, that under my doctor's advice, I decided to try a course of anti depressant again. I had tapered off of Cymbalta earlier and as a Last Resort, agreed to try Effexor, beginning around the first of August.
My doctor told me that Effexor was usually effective for "treatment resistant" patients such as myself.
The Effexor (up to 150 mg) made me nauseous and killed my appetite completely, so after a little over a month, I decided finally to quit anti depressants once and for all. They didn't seem have enough of a positive effect to warrant staying on them.
I VERY slowly tapered off the med over the next month or two. My doctor advised me to use Prozac during the taper to buffer the effects.
Now, I've been off of all anti depressants for approx 2 -3 weeks.
I had been maintaining more or less, but about 2 weeks ago, took a major downturn and have been there ever since.
I've given up on any of the doctor's from Kaiser, I do not feel that anything they've ever suggested or prescribed has EVER helped me, in fact I believe that I've experienced more harm than good from them.
The point I'm trying to get to is, I became highly suicidal a few days ago.
The anguish and despair that I felt was so incredibly overwhelming, that I decided that i had-no-choice. I just couldn't go on any longer like this.
The thought that I'd absolutely ruin my husband's life and could possible go to "hell", always stopped me before, but this time, I knew that I had to do it anyway. I felt so utterly hopeless.
It's silly to think of, but the reason I'm alive at the moment is because, before I could do the deed, I felt that I had to put my messy bathroom and closet in order. I didn't want my husband to have to deal with or go through so many things while dealing with his grief.
Well, it took me all through the night to get the job done, then I had to wait a few hours for the right amount of time to come around again.
As I waited, I became so frightened. Frightened of what may happen to me after death, frightened of being separated from my husband - I was so utterly alone.
So this time, because of the cleaning, I didn't follow through and it scares me to know how close I came - and can still come.
My last effort, is to go to a new therapist this Tuesday. She's a catholic, so I believe she'll better understand my fears and concerns.
I'm also going to have her recommend another psychiatrist, out side of my HMO and re discuss whether I'm a person, who has to be on an anti depressant. That would be ok with me, if I could find one that works for me!
I feel like erasing this whole diatribe at this point, it's so long and involved.
And, It doesn't even cover other elements involved - long standing family issues that have negatively effected me.
One last thing, my husband reminded me tonight, that we had seen an Ob/Gyn a month ago, who convinced us that most of this horror was due to the onset of menopause.
It made a tremendous amount of sense, the many years of dealing with severe PMS and the fact that I was perimenopausal when this all began.
So, I'm going to pursue the hormonal issue and the therapy aspect and possibly medication again - and see if something pans out.
I'm just worn out and confused at this point, I feel that this is my last chance to find an answer.
I truly apologize for the indecent length of this post, but am just trying to get enough of the facts out, so hopefully, someone might have some suggestions.
I strongly feel, though every one seems to discount it, that a major part of my depression is my confusion about religion. I want so desperately to have a faith in God to get me through all of this, but no matter how hard I try, I don't understand or accept some of the basic Christian reasons for suffering in the world. This continued confusion - now a fixation, will continue to haunt me, until I can understand it better.
Again,
I apologize so much for this length and don't know if anyone will read it, but I'm on my last legs and really need some serious help.......
mourningperson
I was formerly diagnosed as clinically depressed in 1991 - although I know that I was depressed years before that. I'm 53 years old.
Since 91, I have tried out every anti depressant except the MAOI's. I believe I did a short stint with Lithium, but nothing of any length.
Although I suffered with depression all these years, it was somewhat manageable.
My husband and I were quite clear that my depression was affected by my hormonal fluctuations/PMS.
About 2-3 years ago, I've kind of lost count at this point, my depression all of a sudden, escalated to an all time high.
Suddenly I was completely incapacitated and having suicidal ideation.
We were quite desperate and began to hear about VNS (Vagal Nerve Stimulation) therapy.
Amazingly, I was able to get my HMO (Kaiser Permanente) to let me have the surgery, to have the device implanted.
Briefly, it's like a pacemaker device, implanted in my chest with a wire that runs from it up around the vagal nerve in my neck.
Every few seconds, the implant gives off a mild electrical stimulation, that effects the nerve. Supposedly, this was "cutting edge" technology in the treatment for depression. (It's been used, successfully, to treat epilepsy for some time).
Unfortunately, after at least a year's trial, the conclusion was reached that it was not helping my depression and the device was turned off.
My depression continued to escalate, alarmingly.
As a total last resort, I agreed to undergo ECT treatments.
Between reading Kitty Dukakis's book in which she touted her experience with ECT and well meaning friends who said they knew of people who had been helped tremendously by ECT, my husband and I decided to do it.
So, last January and February, I underwent 13 treatments.
It was the scariest and most horrendous experience of my life - and believe me, I've had my share......
After the 13 treatments, I was advised to continue with "maintenance" treatments.
I decided not to.
It was true that I was no longer feeling suicidal, but that was only because I was so spaced out and memory impaired from the treatments.
I was in a daze and very subdued for quite some time afterwards.
I'm still experiencing memory problems, but I realize that could also be attributable to meds (Cymbalta, Ambien and Klonopin - on an "as needed" basis - or the depression itself.
I was "maintaining" somewhat, still pretty depressed - then, this last August, my younger (46) sister (only sibling), who I loved very much, died unexpectedly from liver failure due to her many years of alcoholism.
Although, totally in grief, I rose to the occasion and handled a lot of things that needed to be done after her death.
Unexplicably, in November, I began to feel better than I had in quite awhile, and began to do more things and started to get my life back.
Let me add here, that under my doctor's advice, I decided to try a course of anti depressant again. I had tapered off of Cymbalta earlier and as a Last Resort, agreed to try Effexor, beginning around the first of August.
My doctor told me that Effexor was usually effective for "treatment resistant" patients such as myself.
The Effexor (up to 150 mg) made me nauseous and killed my appetite completely, so after a little over a month, I decided finally to quit anti depressants once and for all. They didn't seem have enough of a positive effect to warrant staying on them.
I VERY slowly tapered off the med over the next month or two. My doctor advised me to use Prozac during the taper to buffer the effects.
Now, I've been off of all anti depressants for approx 2 -3 weeks.
I had been maintaining more or less, but about 2 weeks ago, took a major downturn and have been there ever since.
I've given up on any of the doctor's from Kaiser, I do not feel that anything they've ever suggested or prescribed has EVER helped me, in fact I believe that I've experienced more harm than good from them.
The point I'm trying to get to is, I became highly suicidal a few days ago.
The anguish and despair that I felt was so incredibly overwhelming, that I decided that i had-no-choice. I just couldn't go on any longer like this.
The thought that I'd absolutely ruin my husband's life and could possible go to "hell", always stopped me before, but this time, I knew that I had to do it anyway. I felt so utterly hopeless.
It's silly to think of, but the reason I'm alive at the moment is because, before I could do the deed, I felt that I had to put my messy bathroom and closet in order. I didn't want my husband to have to deal with or go through so many things while dealing with his grief.
Well, it took me all through the night to get the job done, then I had to wait a few hours for the right amount of time to come around again.
As I waited, I became so frightened. Frightened of what may happen to me after death, frightened of being separated from my husband - I was so utterly alone.
So this time, because of the cleaning, I didn't follow through and it scares me to know how close I came - and can still come.
My last effort, is to go to a new therapist this Tuesday. She's a catholic, so I believe she'll better understand my fears and concerns.
I'm also going to have her recommend another psychiatrist, out side of my HMO and re discuss whether I'm a person, who has to be on an anti depressant. That would be ok with me, if I could find one that works for me!
I feel like erasing this whole diatribe at this point, it's so long and involved.
And, It doesn't even cover other elements involved - long standing family issues that have negatively effected me.
One last thing, my husband reminded me tonight, that we had seen an Ob/Gyn a month ago, who convinced us that most of this horror was due to the onset of menopause.
It made a tremendous amount of sense, the many years of dealing with severe PMS and the fact that I was perimenopausal when this all began.
So, I'm going to pursue the hormonal issue and the therapy aspect and possibly medication again - and see if something pans out.
I'm just worn out and confused at this point, I feel that this is my last chance to find an answer.
I truly apologize for the indecent length of this post, but am just trying to get enough of the facts out, so hopefully, someone might have some suggestions.
I strongly feel, though every one seems to discount it, that a major part of my depression is my confusion about religion. I want so desperately to have a faith in God to get me through all of this, but no matter how hard I try, I don't understand or accept some of the basic Christian reasons for suffering in the world. This continued confusion - now a fixation, will continue to haunt me, until I can understand it better.
Again,
I apologize so much for this length and don't know if anyone will read it, but I'm on my last legs and really need some serious help.......
mourningperson