This illness is crippling me as a parent

[Proverbs31:28]

I have always worried that my illness would end up costing my children. And, tonight I saw very clearly just how real that fear is. Call it anxiety or OCD or perfectionism or whatever you want but it is rendering me impotent as a parent. :(

While DD was in gymnastics class tonight, I was sitting in the parent area with DS, trying to help him with his homework. Everytime I caught a glimpse of DD I would cringe at her less than perfect skills. I was listening intently to the coach as he corrected the girls so I would know how to instruct her when she practices at home. Even though I know she was doing her absolute best, and despite how good she really is for her age and limited training (1 yr), all I could focus on was her mistakes- her legs weren't straight enough, her toes weren't pointed, her body lines weren't clean, she hesitated too much on some elements. I KNEW my thoughts were totally inappropriate and I wish I could just sit there and proudly stare at her but, instead, I was screaming at her inside my head, pointing out all of her mistakes. I did NOT voice my disappointment (which took a great deal of restraint) because that is what my father would have done and I won't intentionally upset, damage or hurt her. When she practices at home, I push her and push her until she gets it right. I want her to have fun and enjoy this sport of her choice but somewhere deep inside I demand she do it perfectly.

At the same time, DS was studying his math facts. I would quiz him and he was just sitting there crying because he was not getting them right. I kept telling him to study more and I would quiz him again. Its not an issue of his math skills- this is an exercise in memorizing math facts and he was not understanding that he was not supposed to be solving the problems but, rather, he was supposed to memorize and regurgitate the answers. I was growing so frustrated with him and could feel anger growing inside of me. Again, I know he was trying but it just angered and frustrated me that he could not "get it." I really think if we had not been in a room full of people I would have screamed at him. And, for what?

WHY does all of this bother me? Why do I cringe when I see stains on my kids? Why do I scrub their faces when they get a speck on them? Why do I make them change clothes when they are slightly soiled? Why do I make them repeat things that are not done perfectly? Why do I correct their grammar and spelling all of the time? Why can't I let them be kids and accept their imperfections? I HATED the way my father made me feel when he demanded perfection from me and I NEVER want them to feel that way. So, I bite my tongue but I am so worried one day it will just all spew forth. I am sooooo worried about how my anxieties and worries are affecting them. I know they see it on my face and hear it in my voice. I hate myself so very much right now. I hate the way I react to them. I love them with every fiber of my being but are they seeing that and hearing that or are they going to be riddled with the same anxieties and fears my dad created in me?

[mscat]

I think this does have to do a lot with how you were raised. Do not repeat the same mistakes he did with you. Remember how it felt when you were a little girl and he did that to you?
Maybe therapy could help you sort your personal issues out. You seem to be very upset with yourself for doing this to your kids, and do not want to be like your father.
Get professional help for yourself so you can change your behaviors and have A better relationship with your children .
AS we all know little kids are not perfect, and require a tremendous amount of patience .

[Proverbs31:28]

Thank you, mscat, for your support and advice. I am in therapy, actually, and this is one of the topics we have been discussing. I don't think I accepted how bad it was until recently, though. It makes me feel just horrible. I have spent much of the day thinking they really would be better off without me. Maybe it would be best for them if I just walked away and let there father raise them. Ack! I shudder at the thought as he is a selfish, uncaring, apathetic poor excuse for a father and, yet, what I am doing to them seems so much worse. Much of my thoughts never leave my head. I have them locked in there to protect my children. But, how long will it take before they decipher the true disappointment that is hiding behind the platitudes?
I should say its not just my kids, though. I want everything perfect and, obviously, this is impossible so life is full of disappointments. I really hate the way my mind works. I hate hate hate that I have such little control over my thoughts that even the thoughts I swore I'd never think are bouncing all around in my head.

[mscat]

No child is better off without their mother !!!!! pLease stop right now, blaming yourself. Nobody is perfect, and striving for perfection is a relentless pursuit. Give yourself a break, and be forgiving to yourself. I know you love your children, and they will certainly not be better off with out you. Take it easy on yourslef, and try not to be so hard on yourself. You can make it better , and i am glad your in therapy. Your not a bad mother, or person. I think that you need to allow yourself to make mistakes, and realise that being perfect all the time is impossible to achieve.
I wish you all the best , and hope you can fine peace within yourself . i also gathered by your last post that you may be depressed , this is also crippiling , and needs to be addressed.

[ASchwartz]

I agree with mscat, no child is better off without their mom. In fact, everyone loses if you, lifeless, walk away from your family.

Why are you feeling worse these days??

Allan:(

[Proverbs31:28]

The only answer I can think of is stress. Pure and simple. There is just so much I am facing and I feel the stress piling up inside me. I don't let things go easily, either, so I carry it with me everywhere. My kids are great. They are both beautiful, brilliant, incredibly talented kids- everything I was not as a child- so I just want to be happy with that. I love them immensely, and am proud beyond words but somewhere inside there is something that wants more from them. :( Just to you will know- my perfectionism is not limited to my kids. I hate myself when I do things less than perfectly and I cannot stand to see others who "settle" for less than perfect efforts.

[mscat]

wow, that to me, seems like A tremendous burdern to put upon oneself. My Foster mother was very much like this, and well, she would typically take it out on me.... Not saying that is what your like, but, I do remember clearly those experiences with her. I just could never do anything right, or ever meet her expectations .I felt like crap and had little self esteem. She also would bully me into behaving, and well it was not a good childhood with her. I always thought it was because i did not belong in this family, and was different from everyone else.
Now as an adult and a mother, I see things from A different perspective, she had her own difficulties, and she took it out on me, maybe, perhaps because i was not hers. and came from parents who were abusive, and "low class" SO unfortunately, I became her target of her own frustrations of not being perfect, and seeing me , or having me, just made her more frustrated.

[Mark]

Thank you, mscat, for your support and advice. I am in therapy, actually, and this is one of the topics we have been discussing. I don't think I accepted how bad it was until recently, though. It makes me feel just horrible.

Lifeless, believe it or not, this is probably progress. You were not aware of this before, or were aware of it but discounted the importance. And now you are starting to get how you come across to your children and how maybe the way you were upset, they too could become upset. And that is disturbing, but that is a good thing becuase the fact that you can see it now is new and with the increased awareness you also become more able to direct and control your behavior. This is a good thing, if painful. Awareness is good in this way (and painful).

[mscat]

Lifeless, believe it or not, this is probably progress. You were not aware of this before, or were aware of it but discounted the importance. And now you are starting to get how you come across to your children and how maybe the way you were upset, they too could become upset. And that is disturbing, but that is a good thing becuase the fact that you can see it now is new and with the increased awareness you also become more able to direct and control your behavior. This is a good thing, if painful. Awareness is good in this way (and painful).

Lifeless,
You are going to be ok , your working on this and recognize your behaviors, and how it effects your children . Now your going to be able to get a hold on it, and change for the better.
Nobody is perfect, and to "error is to be human" please give yourself A break. and try Not being so hard on yourself.