triggered again

[USMarine]

Last night i was was watching a tv show with my fiance while just laying in bed. in the show there were two parts that bothered me, one was when a cop in the show is forced to have to shoot and kill another person. things like this don't usually upset me, but this for some reason triggerd me. i automatically went back to iraq in my mind and thought about all the times that i had to take another human life. when you fire on and kill someone with a group of marines it's not too bad in the sense of the mental and physical results that it forces upon you.

But the times i had to kill with just me or only one or two other marines, everything would be in fast motion
as you took your shots, but once the car crashed or the body hit the ground everything literally went into slow motion. it was as if that last empty casing that ejected from your weapons chamber after sending the bullet down range, was falling to the ground slow enough for you to wipe the sweat from your brow, and then calmly place your hand out into the warm air and catch it before it hits the ground, even though when in all reality it is falling faster than the body of the person you just killed.

Last night i was trapped in my thoughts, thinking about those moments where time slowed almost to a stand still and a part of me left my body and mind, and strolled away from me forever. looking back i can literally picture that part of me waving goodbye to myself as i stood trapped in the horror of time and of that moment. The second part of the tv show that triggered something inside of me was when it showed a dead body being found in a house after a week of just laying there. the body was covered in ants, and although i knew it was fake, it took me back to easter morning in Fallujah in 2004.

There was a body completely charred and burnt laying in the street with five other dead bodies. The flies were covering his entire body by the thousands, and over time they literally ate and devoured what was left of his arms; later dogs and cats came to gnaw and eat at the dead bodies and then carry parts of them away. not everything triggers me all of the time, but last night this really really did, and i went to bed feeling anxious and depressed, and consequently woke up feeling pretty much the same way.

i've been fighting off severe anger and anxiety today, and hope that soon it might go away. i know that what i am feeling is normal for what i've been exposed to, but it sure as hell doesn't make it any easier or acceptable in my book. just wanted to share this with somebody, anybody.

[BrainPain]

I feel ya brother. I couldn't even come on here and check stuff out yesterday because I was just too FULL to even think about getting on here and trying to show support to anyone or answer anything that may have been posted in one of my threads. I felt like I would just tear people UP if I had a confrontation in real life or on teh 'Nets.

On days like yesterday, I HAVE to remove myself from interaction with people. In traffic, I was an idiotic, highly offensive and slightly intimidating driver.

All of yesterday was because a Coast Guard UH-60 flew over about 0630. I was outside smoking and heard it. By the time it flew over, I was waiting for the wounded to come in to be triaged and segregated to the dead pile, will be dead pile, life threatening pile, limb/eye sight pile, immediate pile or ambulatory/low risk pile. I could have sworn I heard the incoming patients bells ringing.

More than anything though, I was *intensely* worried if all of our helicopters were coming back.

I probably stood there for two or three minutes thinking about what all I needed to do. Then saw the pool in front of me again and realized I was in a hotel in New Orleans, not on the pad at Al-Asad.

[USMarine]

I share a similar feeling when i hear rotor blades. where i'm at in afghanistan right now that's all i hear, but every time that i hear them it instantly pulls my mind back to iraq. My heart pounds anger, hate, and the want to hurt someone comes flooding back to me and i have to detach from whoever i am around and wait out the anxiety attack. If by myself smoking when i hear it i will stare off into the distance, and by the time i snap out of it ten minutes or so is lost according to my watch.

Thank you for responding, i've been sitting here by myself for hours clicking the refresh button in hopes to hear back from someone.

[BrainPain]

I'll try to get back to you as much as I can. Sometimes though, the thinking just doesn't happen. :o