need help

[floatingcrowbar]

Hi, I am new on here. I am unsure if I am posting in the right spot. I'll try to get in the bare facts.
My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me three weeks ago. his father died in August and I think it is only starting to hit him. His grandmother only recently found out that her son(my ex-boyfirends dad) had died and this coincided with my ex's first visit to his dads grave in the same period. When we were breaking up, he kept repeating he wanted to be ALONE although he loves me with all his heart but he just wants to be alone. He has never been a player in the past and is very shyand quiet and the fact that in the same week he went to his dads grave and his grandmother finding out about his dad as well as family financial worries, he cheated on me when he was very very drunk. Now I know he isn't a big drinker and the fact that he cheated are both out of character for him. He has always detested cheaters so I know it wasn't intentional and I forgave him. The night we were breaking up, I was talking about his dad and it was the first time I saw him cry about losing him. Do you think his drinking heavily, cheating on me and subsequently breaking up with me is him going through an emotional turmoil at losing his dad?? Everyone says they know he loves me to bits and that we have always been rock solid. I don't know what to do because I love him so much and hate that I can't help him because he doesn't want me to. I mean, I spoke to his cousin the other night and he didn't even know we had broken up so I don't think its a case of the ex wanting to be single, just that maybe he needs the time apart from me to grieve properly and help his family without putting pressure on our relationship. How do men grieve?? I know he is the one and it pains me that he's hurting so badly. A few people have said he's become a lot quieter in recent weeks so I am not sure what is going through his mind. What do you think??

[Mark]

Do you think his drinking heavily, cheating on me and subsequently breaking up with me is him going through an emotional turmoil at losing his dad??

It's only three months since the tremendous loss. And your sense is that he is only starting to feel grief. So, sure, this stuff could be part of the grief reaction. It's common to want to withdraw socially when you are feeling depressive which is also a common feeling during depression. And people do stupid things when they drink too much - alcohol is a disinhibiting drug which puts the "breaks" of the brain to sleep so that you do things that you'd normally have the judgment to not do.

It is possible that something more than mere grief alone is happening here. Substance abuse could be entering the picture. Some independent mental state altering condition could be occurring. But there isn't any good way to separate all this out just now, most probably. Perhaps best to take a wait and see attitude.

If this goes on very long (like many months) without turning around, you may need to re-evaluate your goals, but for the moment, probably best to say wait and see (if you love him and want to be around to support him if/when he allows that).

Mark

[floatingcrowbar]

Thanks for your reply Mark. If by substance abuse you mean drugs, I know tha he definitely doesn't do that. It is out of character for him to drink excessively either so I get the feeling that he id depressed. He was very close to his dad and I know that the weeks following his dads death he was still himself in the sense that he was the same lovable playful person I fell in love with all those years ago. His sister,cousins and frends have all said he has become quieter over recent weeks and like I said before, he only showed emotion for the loss of his dad when we were breaking up as I was talking about him. My ex is a very quiet, shy and reserved person already but he seems to be withdrawing into himself a lot more. I haven't seen him in just over 2 weeks(he came down to my mates bar on his own to say hello to me!!) so He has confused me with his behaviour. i told him I was going to be going there so that he could avoid it yet he turns up to say hello. is he scared of me moving on?? I do love him and the reason I haven't texted him or called him is because I am giving him space. He said that he loves me and that he can't imagine his life without me but he wants to be alone until he sorts out his head. I am living in hope in that one word, UNTIL. Maybe I am wrong but it gets me through the days.

[crystalr0w3]

Hi floatingcrowbar, your boyfriend was just trying to cope up the pain by entertaining himself. I think the cause of his cheating is the effect of his drinking because when a person is drunk, he is not aware of his behavior. And there are guys who loves their girlfriend but still cheats because of so many reasons like adventure. You can feel it if you think your boyfriend doesn't love you even without cheating. Trust your gut feeling.