feeling sad and I need some advice

[Lie_low]

I would like advice about what I should do because I am really not doing well. Nothing works anymore. I have all these scars and I am so ashamed of them. Eight years of self-injury isn’t a good thing. In the past few years I have avoided self-injuring on obvious places like my arms in the hope that my scars would fade, but I gave in last week. I am at a loss. I can’t give up but I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want to upset or disappoint them. I am trapped with no way out.

I went to a doctor about my sinus problems even though I hate going and never do. I had never seen him before. I told him that I was drinking everyday but I was not truthful about the amount. I wore a tight shirt and the nurse didn’t make me roll up my sleeves, but stupid anxious me… my heart was racing because of the anxiety. The doctor brought up my high blood pressure and wanted me to come back in a few weeks to check it. I am young and of normal weight. He suggested that it was a result of anxiety about being around doctors and nurses. (That is the case but I know that the same thing will happen next time) I can’t calm myself down. It is so embarrassing. I was thinking about telling my doctor about what has been going on when I go back but I don’t know if that would be a good idea.

[Sallystern]

You should see a therapist! Maybe not your general practitioner doctor as he may not fully understand what or why you SI. You must pick yourself up at your bootstraps and move forward. Just because you relapsed into SI again after so long does not mean ou should give up! Your years of no SI is such an accomplishment that noone can take away from you. But you must identify with a therapist why you were driven to relapse into SI again. Fortuneatly it is soner then later and you have identified that SI is a bad idea. Good luck and God Bless!

[kaudio]

Hello Meredith, while I understand you do not wish to share your SI issues with others, perhaps you should be forthcoming with this doctor you met for your sinus problem. Tell him about how much you drink, your anxiety around doctors, and your SI. The doctor will be able to give you the help you need or at least give you referrals to see a therapist to address your issues, and you do not need to share these issues with anyone else until you wish to. But, from what I gather from your post, I agree with you that something should be done to address your SI and whatever issues you are experiencing that are leading you to SI.

Please remember you have people who care for your well being both in real life and in this community. Feel free to share your thoughts with us here.

[Lie_low]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. Sally-I don’t have a lot to be proud of. I certainly feel better than I did a few years ago, and I am so thankful for that, but I am still self-injuring and the longest time I have gone without it is three weeks. When my family found out about it I avoided cutting my arms, but I began hurting my legs more because it was easier to hide.

My experience with medical doctors regarding self-injury is that they don’t understand it. They assume that people do this for attention. Maybe this is due to the fact that they are more likely to come into contact with the attention-seeking type because those people are more likely to seek help while the rest of us focus on keeping everything a secret. My cuts were sometimes bad but my fear of telling someone far outweighed my desire to get medical treatment that might reduce scarring.

As far as the doctor visit goes, I don’t want to discuss my self-injury issues with him, and yes, he probably won’t understand. Unfortunately, they normally bring it up because of the scars and I never come up with a good response.

Kaudio- thanks for your kind words. I am incredibly frustrated by the way that things are going. The term downward spiral comes to mind. I can feel myself becoming more desperate. I don’t know where to begin. I have problems with food, drinking, and self-injury, and when I attempt to stop one behavior I just seem to replace it with another. I just feel hopeless about the situation. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me. I am doing ok and I keep my problems to myself. I am just struggling to find reasons to keep on going. I am sad and angry that I have to keep on going even though I don’t want to.

[ASchwartz]

Hi Meredith,

I think you have been given great advice and support from our members and I want to thank them.:)

I agree with them, you really should find a good therapist to help you deal with your problems. Also, I am one of those who is pro Alchoholics Anonymous. I know many are not but I have found that, over the years of my practice, it helped many people. You do not have to stay with it forever and you have to be careful to associate with sensibel people in the meetings but, overall, I have learned that people were satisfied.

No, medical doctors do not understand much about self injury unless they are psychiatrists. That is why a therapist works much better.

Allan :)

[Sallystern]

I agree. I hve known people to find much success in A.A. and it may help you. You should attend a few meetings and hear some stories and maybe yo will find something you have been looking for. Don't give up if you don't like the meetings though. An addictions counselor can also be of benifit. Good luck!

[Lie_low]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. As far as AA goes, I found out about meetings in my area and I’m thinking about going. I don’t know if I need it or not. I see that I deal with alcohol differently than other people. I have put a lot of effort into keeping my drinking a secret from everyone, especially my family. It is difficult to think about giving up alcohol because I use it to help me feel better.

I am confused about what I should be doing. I really want to get better. Sometimes I am really depressed but other times I am really happy and enthusiastic about things. When I am depressed I feel like there is no point in trying and when I am feeling happy I think that I will get better and that I don’t need help, but then I get depressed and cope in negative ways like drinking and the cycle just sort of continues on.

Finals are over and I finally have some time to do things other than stress about what is next. Ok, so I am considering therapy. I know that this is probably a stupid question, but can anyone tell me what I should say if I call them? (My social skills are not great. Pretty bad. In high school I couldn’t even make myself say hello to another person. I am doing much better now but I still have trouble with talking on the phone and I normally get mad at myself for saying something stupid)

[ASchwartz]

Hi Meredith,

You ask an excellent question and I am pleased that you asked it. Yes, lots of people do not know how to phrase things and then avoid asking for what they need. So, here is my advice:

When you call a therapist or therapists, tell them that you have been feeling depressed and need therapy because you wish to feel better and get on with your life. You can even tell them that you have a history of self injury and ask them if they have experience dealing with that. Actually and unhappily, this is a problem that many young women experience.

In terms of the drinking, you do with it what others do and in that way you are not different. Lots of people use alcohol to help themselves feel better. It helps temporarily but it then takes back all those good feelings and ends up rebounding into bad feelings. That is one reason why some begin to drink more: they are trying to capture that good feeling again. However, that is also temporary and the person ends up feeling ever worse.

I congratulate you for wanting therapy. Just tell the people you call your problem, do they have experience with this and with working with people your age.

Let us know how it goes...please...because we care.

Allan:)

[Lie_low]

Thank you for the advice. I will try to do that. I don’t know how long it will take though because it seems like that would be a very difficult thing for me to do. It seems impossible that I could do that. I really hate talking on the phone. I was thinking of asking one of my sisters to help me but that seems kind of weak and maybe stupid. I probably should not involve them. I don’t know. This is really hard for me because I can’t really call anyone or answer phone calls other than those from my family or from my work. When people call me I get nervous and I don’t answer their phone calls and I generally don’t return their phone calls even though I know that I should. Then I avoid them because they probably think that I am being rude and ignoring them, and I guess that I am. I will try to work on getting help before I go back to school next month.

[Lie_low]

So I went to the doctor and the doctor didn’t ask me about my scars and I didn’t bring it up. The nurse saw them and she was really nice and gave me a hug. The doctor said that since I have a heart murmur and high blood pressure that he wants me to have an echocardiogram and blood tests done. I have a question about panic attacks. So pretty much every time I go to the doctor and they see my blood pressure and heart rate they ask if I have panic attacks. I say that I have anxiety but not panic attacks. One time the doctor even asked if I was on drugs (never!) because it was so abnormally high and the then asked if I had panic attacks and I said “yes” just to get him off my back. I know that the heart murmur is a separate issue but it probably wouldn’t be as much of a concern without the high blood pressure (which is mostly due to anxiety) and history of heart disease in my family. I know what happens during an echocardiogram because I have had one before. You have to take your shirt off and it’s really embarrassing. Not to mention the fact that I have many old SI scars on my chest. Basically I don’t want to go and get the test done if it is not necessary because I know how upsetting it will be to me. Should I make myself go anyway? I don’t want to go if they will just say that I’m having panic attacks because it’s not causing me any problems. It was just the doctor who thought it should be checked out.

Sorry if I am rambling here. I know it’s pretty boring stuff. I guess my question is, can a person have panic attacks and not know it? I don’t ever feel anxious I can just tell that I am anxious because I am having physical symptoms of it. I wouldn’t even give it a second thought if it hadn’t already been brought up before.

[finding my way]

I'm no expert, but I seriously doubt you could have a panic attack and not know it. It just doesn't sound like the medical community is clueing into you. How are you doing with finding other kinds of support lie low? I went to al-anon for a while and it saved me from the brink at a time when I had no other support. A therapist would know the most about anxiety management.

Here's a question, can you get used to anxiety so that you don't even appreciate that it's way too high? I don't mean panic attacks, just high levels of anxiety. Maybe that's what the medical tests are picking up on. They just are not giving you the right help on what to do about it.

Oh, and you are not boring us. Wouldn't you say most of us here struggle with anxiety? I know I do. Lately I've been feeling like I have an ulcer or some such thing.

[Lie_low]

Finding my way,

Yeah, I don’t really think I have panic attacks. I know I can’t really be objective about it but I did look at the symptoms for a panic attack and I only seem to have two or three symptoms and it says that four must be present. I think that your question about the anxiety makes sense. I deal with it so much of the time that I only notice when it really peaks, like it did yesterday.

I don’t have any support in real life. I was referred to a therapist that specializes in self-injury and related issues so I should probably call but I feel stupid about it. Sometimes I wish that I could tell someone in real life about it but I doubt that it would help. I am just so private that I can never tell anyone about what is going on or that I am feeling anything other than good. I get really uncomfortable when I think that people know too much about me and if I do share something I normally regret it. I guess an example would be when my grandma died last month. I didn’t tell anyone but I needed to ask for time off to go to the funeral so I reluctantly told my manager after she rejected my initial request for time off. I felt bad that I said anything about it and I didn’t like it when my coworkers found out and asked me how I was doing. Being emotional is not fun and it’s just easier to keep on going and pretend that everything is fine when nobody knows about it.

[finding my way]

Can it be that lying low is what you know? I ask that with utter respect. You have survived up to this moment using the best strategy you could. Those surviving mechanisms get developed way early when we are too young to really have the tools to do any better. And being so deep seated, they are very hard to change on our own. When the relationships around us have not helped us find a new way that lets us come into our own, we stay clamped down. That is why we really do need help. At least that is what I had to do anyway. I have deep respect for my young self that was doing the best she could in a difficult situation. I bear her habits and limitations with me and together sometimes we get to discover new ways. That's something I've learned from therapy. Not to hate myself, but work with myself.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply. I’m not offended, and what you said made me think a little. I guess I had to deal with some things and maybe I was doing the best I could. I don’t know.

I really don’t want to do the heart test and I don’t know if I can make myself go through with it, especially since they probably won’t find anything wrong anyway. It’s mainly because of the scars on my chest. I feel extra ashamed of them. I know I shouldn’t care because it doesn’t really matter what they think but I’m still afraid.

[finding my way]

It just seems to me that you need more support for these things than you have. I would need a therapist to help me. By the way, I would never have gone in on my own initially. I was tricked into it by a friend!! He said I would be talking about him, since I had questions about why he was seeing a therapist. When I went in, the subject was me:eek:. Luckily, the therapist was good, and I knew he could help me, so I kept coming back.

[ASchwartz]

Lie_low,

You are very hard on yourself. I say that because you so often describe what you feel and what you are going through as "stupid." It is not stupid and you are not alone in these things. If you have the name of a therapist who can help then call and ask for an appointment. You need not have a discussion on the phone.

I want to point out something that you may not realize but other people make the same mistake: Psychotherapy is real life. You said that you would rather talk about your cutting to someone in real life. I have heard that type of thing before. I jokingly ask a patient who says that to me, "so, what am I, chopped liver." Most people appreciate that and go on to explain. The point is that the therapist is real and therapy is real life.

I really want to urge you to call that therapist and go into treatment.

How are you doing?

Allan:)

[Lie_low]

Thanks to both of you for replying. I think I have been doing a little better lately. I thought about what you said and I will try to do that soon but I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and I don’t think I could handle that with everything else that’s going on. It’s silly but it doesn’t take much to stress me out. I know it’s unreasonable but I’m really afraid of doctors, and I start feeling sick because of the anxiety. I avoided going for 7 years because of it. I wish I could be more rational about it. I have 2 more appointments and hopefully none after that. I know nothing horrible will happen, just embarrassment. It’s frustrating to be aware that something is not actually a threat but still feel overwhelmed by the situation.

[finding my way]

lie_low, I participated in a kind of therapy that was incredibly helpful for me. It had me look at the different "parts" within and the roles they perform. I was actually encouraged to give them names and dialogue with them. Sounds strange perhaps, but it was incredibly effective. I bring it up because I sense you have a very strong protector part, perhaps another that is the critic, and that is something a lot of us have. They are keeping a tight reign on things, believing it is all in your best interest. It becomes a problem when they disallow your other parts to flourish, and sometimes protector and critic are so strident that vital parts of you are completely suppressed (exiled). That's not something we can ultimately tolerate. Without more of the fullness of who we are, we lose interest in trudging on, get depressed, etc. I just wish for you that you had some help getting to the fullness of you. With better support within and without, you could have some help processing the experiences that bother you, like seeing a doctor. I sense there's a belief in you that you have to tough it alone. That notion got there from something in the past perhaps...those around you couldn't help you so you steeled yourself and became independent and tough. But now where has the rest of you gone? The rest of you that tough one cannot tolerate? In a session I would actually contact the protector part and assure it so it wouldn't go into a panic, but also let it know that I was going to let in other parts. Eventually, with a bunch of negotiation, I was able to create an inhabital (is that a word?) environment for more of me to coexist in. Probably sounds nutty. It's just another approach, one that worked well for a right-brain type like me:)

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way. You always have something thoughtful to say. Yes, I am very independent, and I do sometimes feel trapped and stuck in the same way of doing things and I wish there was another way. Growing up my mother created enough drama for the whole house. I remember my father telling me to be careful and not upset mom because she was threatening to kill herself. Her anger was scary and we all learned to be quiet so as not to upset her, but it was frustrating because she was often so unreasonable and we could never say what we really thought.

[finding my way]

I can so relate to that!! My mother wasn't suicidal, but those other descriptors sure fit. Of course you would have to lie low!!! I did not get much of anything in the way of "mirroring." My parents couldn't reflect back lovingly who I was. They just seemed to absorb in who I was and reflect back what they needed (in my mom's case) or reflect back a confusing deflection (my dad). I was so unavailable to myself as a result. This may not make sense to hear, because at the same time I was developing my go it alone style, as if "I" was all I needed. But that was a survival mode, a coping mode, and I was running on very little resources. It wasn't until I got help and years of work, that I started to be able to be less defensive and more open to help and to the rest of me. Sorry, I'm kind of going on about me. Anyway, what you say makes a great deal of sense for why you ended up coping the way you did.

[Lie_low]

It’s fine for you to talk about your experiences. I can defiantly relate to them and I’m sure others can as well. It was hard because I would often be accused and punished for things that I didn’t do. If my father was home he could stop some of it but he was at work most of the time. I understand where she is coming from but it’s frustrating sometimes. Unfortunately we are very similar in some ways and obviously we have some of the same problems. I just resent the way she took it out on everyone else. I have tried really hard to not let my problems become everyone else’s problem, to not take my anger out on other people, but at the same time I have worried other people with my self-destructive behaviors so I know that I haven’t really been able to do that.

[ASchwartz]

Hi lie_low,

One of the worst things a child can experience is "random punishment." What I mean is that when a parent takes problems out on a child, that the child never understands what is going on and, therefore, never learns how to avoid punishment. For example, if a child is punished for "swearing" they at least can learn not to "swear" around the parents and it gives the child a type of control or sense of control. But, when punishment happens for no reason, then, there can only be confusion and helplessness.

Allan

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply Allen. It was very difficult for me but I finally did what you guys suggested and I’m going to see the therapist next week. Thanks to all of you for your encouragement about it. I really don’t think I would have found the energy to try without the extra push. I’m not looking forward to going and I don’t know if it will work out but at least I made an effort.

[finding my way]

That's amazing Lie_low! It's impossible to know if it will work out, but the point is you took a step forward. A few more steps like that, and you will find yourself in new territory. You will still be you, just a little more available to yourself-- that's my wish for you and for us all.:)

[Lie_low]

I feel so sad and desperate today. I was so rattled by a jerk customer who was mean to me. I know it wasn’t my fault and I tried to hold it together but I was so upset that it left me trembling and I just hope that nobody noticed. I wish I could have been stronger and handled it in a better way but I get scared when things like that happen. I really wish I could just forget about it and feel better. I really want to hurt myself but I’m trying not to because I know that won’t change anything. I hate that I get stuck thinking about these things that don’t really matter.

[mscat]

It does matter... It is ok to feel the way you did about that customer! You have every right to be upset. I am sorry that this bad experience happened to you!
Self injury does not really solve anything in the long run, however it is difficult not to when things go wrong and that is what your use to doing to feel better. It was not your fault though, and if that is why your thinking of Si'ing, then don't. Blaming yourself about something that you had no control over is not going to make anything better. I understand the temptation of self injury and how strong the urges can be.
Distract yourself ffrom SI and keep your mind preoccupied by doing healtheir alternatives. i understand that this is easier said then done. And I could be considered the biggest hypocrite ever just by telling you not to.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat. I was afraid that nobody would reply because I know my post was kind of pointless venting on my part. I just feel so bad sometimes and I can’t talk to anyone about it in real life so I appreciate your feedback. I’m a really private person and I feel like I have to try especially hard to seem happy so that nobody will be concerned about me or think that I’m going to hurt myself. The only people who know are my immediate family and lately I feel like my dad suspects something because he has been hovering over me like he does when he thinks I’m not doing well and it’s annoying. I know I’m not doing well right now but I am trying to get help because I don’t know what else to do. I am not suicidal but I don’t want to live this way anymore. My depression worsened last fall and since then I have had some thoughts about wanting to OD again and it scared me because I didn’t think that I would ever feel like that again. The problem is that I don’t consider suicide an option anymore so I have to live wanting to die and it’s a pretty bleak existence.

[malign]

Well, "pointless venting" is what we're all here for! :-)
Because it's not pointless. Venting helps the person doing it, and it helps everyone reading because we get to see that other people feel the same way we do.

Someone being rude to you is not a reason for you to feel bad, much less hurt yourself further. It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to be angry at the right person. You don't have to do anything, of course; in a customer/employee situation there's probably nothing you can do. Except put the blame where it belongs, on the person who was rude, and let it go.

Have you thought about talking to your dad, when he hovers? I know it annoys you, but have you thought about how he feels, how much he might be worried for you? I bet it would reassure him a lot, and keep him from hovering, if you told him how you feel, that you're "not doing well right now but ... trying to get help". You never know, he might even have some help to give ...

[Lie_low]

I appreciate the reply Malign. In general It’s hard for me not to blame myself even though logically I know that it’s not my fault and I should be angry with the other person and not myself in those kinds of situations. I guess it doesn’t make sense but I feel like if I am nice enough to everyone, no one will have a reason to treat me badly-- but I know some people are just angry for their own reasons. Sometimes people are just having a bad day and they take it out on me, it’s just part of the job. I have realized that the main trigger for my SI has been when I feel I have made a mistake. When this happens all I can think about is how horrible I am and I just wish that those kinds of thoughts would leave me alone. A similar thing happened last week and I did stop and think “why should I punish myself for this, I didn’t do anything wrong” but it’s really something that I have to try to keep in mind because it doesn’t come naturally to me.

I was actually thinking of talking to my dad but I don’t think that I could do that. If I could broach the subject with him I don’t think I would even be in the situation I am in right now. We are both the type that avoid talking about anything of that nature and I just don’t think that I would be able to do it without feeling awful about it afterwards…but maybe feeling bad is not really a reason not to do something…I don’t know.

[mscat]

Now this is something I can relate to. To me, it is much simpler and easier to take it out on oneself then to get mad at the person who is being rude or mean... I too, typically keep it to myself, not saying anything at the time, and then afterwards look back and want to blame myself for the problem and then SI. Even when the mistake is not my fault I do fell like it is and do believe that I could have or have done something differently for it to not happen. It does make sense to me, ony because i have done the exact same thing. Sometimes things do not have to make sense, it just happens and then there's the horrible feeling of failed. Even if it is ill logical it is still there and a lot of times jsut knowing that someone was pissed off can trigger an eposoide of Self injury. Is this what happens to you?
Talking to A parent about such a highly "secretive" matter like SI isnot what is going to happen to a self injurer, not typically. Because most self injurers have a very difficult time expressing their feelings and keep them to themselves. Self blaming is highly common in a person who harms themselves. I alway would tell myself, i'd hurt myself before I'd ever hurt anybody else. That is how it is, and has always been. But, the probelm with that is anger builds up to the point where a person feels like they are going to explode. Either the anger turns inward or it will turn outward onto others. Self harmers turn it against themselves, and truely feel like they deserve it .

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat. Its helps to know that there are other people who feel the same way I do. Sometimes when I have heard other reasons why people self-injure I really can’t relate to it and I don’t get it. It seems that there are some people who romanticize self-harm and who let others know when they are doing it. To me that just seems like unnecessary drama that could be avoided. I see it as a pathetic and stupid way of dealing with things and I just wish so much that I never did that to myself.

[mscat]

Yep.... For me, I had not self harmed in over 20 years. AND then all of a sudden I started up again , in my 30's :eek: Hell, I still have no idea why it started up again. After that long of not doing it? It still does not make any sense to me what so ever!
The worst part was that the Self injury was even more severe then ever before. Where I was doing it to cause serious harm and could not stop. I'd do it everyday. Oddly I did not say a word to my therapist, and when I finally had he wanted to see my arm. I still remember the look on his face. He had no idea what I was doing or how bad it was. my whole arm was covered in second degree burns. I was not aware of the SI being too bad either. Until I continued and continued. AND once started again I let it take over me. I liked the control it gave me, but the counselor would tell me I was out of control .That did not make any sense what so ever.
I Do not know what made me decide to do even more severe harm, probably becasue i got use to the feeling of the burns, so I found a new way to SI. That is what led me into severe injury, and trips to the ER, 5150's , the CRitical care unit, Surgeries, and the Burn unit. Still, i knew what to say, in order to stay out of more psych units. That could never happen again.
These severe Si's did not stop at just one time... Many times, and Joanne I am not proud of that at all. Not I see the damage, and it is disgusting. Awful, ugly scars, loss of hand movement, loss of feeling on my damaged skin, it is ugly.
Nobody warned me that self injury could become this severe:( In my case it has , and it is well, I don't know, just not right. I do not want to go in too much detail because it still horrifys me.
I hope you are feling better, and I will be here to support you any way I can.
Cathy

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat. When I first started I was so desperate that I didn’t care about the consequences, but I have come to feel a certain loss and regret over what I have done to myself. It seems like maybe that is what you are describing about the effect that the self-injury has had on your life. It’s definitely an issue for me, even though I have never had to deal with the serious consequences that you mentioned--all I really have to deal with is a body full of scars. The relief is momentary but the scars stay there forever. It’s a challenge…the everyday stuff like never being able to wear what I actually want to wear because I have to find a way to cover my scars. Dating…when guys show interest in me I feel like maybe I can be pretty but its false advertisement because if they really got to know me and see my scars they would not like me anymore. Sometimes the shame about the scars gets in the way though, and I just use it as an excuse to hurt myself more…like I’m already a mess so it doesn’t really matter anyway. I don’t want to resort to self-injury and drinking anymore so I’m really trying to learn better ways of dealing with things.

[malign]

Dating…when guys show interest in me I feel like maybe I can be pretty but its false advertisement because if they really got to know me and see my scars they would not like me anymore.

Speaking as a guy ...
When I was your age, I was pretty naive, and didn't really know about the phenomenon of SI. But, if I had gotten to know and like a girl, and she eventually told me about her SI, I can't imagine holding that against her.

I have, since, seen girls with SI scars, and my only reaction is, how horrible that they had to go through that. Granted, I can imagine that even that reaction might be embarrassing and difficult for her to deal with ... I personally have a hard time accepting sympathy from others. But it seems to me that there are only three responses possible: sympathetic, unsympathetic, or apathetic. And I doubt that you would really want to spend time with a guy whose reaction was one of the last two.

I'd be lying to you if I said the scars themselves weren't ugly. They tell of tremendous pain (emotional probably more than physical), and of the lengths that people will go to try to cope.

What the scars do not do is make the person ugly. Yes, they are permanent and visible evidence of the struggles of your life. But everyone worth knowing has struggled, and has the scars somewhere.

And I can tell you from bitter personal experience, it's not better being in a relationship with someone all of whose scars are on the inside, where you can't see them and keep blundering into them, never knowing why your partner cries out in pain or hits back in anger.


I struggled with whether to post this, because I'm a guy and I don't SI, so in many ways, I can never know, and what I had to say might not be seen as supportive. But it is meant to be.

[mscat]

Thanks for the reply mscat. When I first started I was so desperate that I didn’t care about the consequences, but I have come to feel a certain loss and regret over what I have done to myself. It seems like maybe that is what you are describing about the effect that the self-injury has had on your life. It’s definitely an issue for me, even though I have never had to deal with the serious consequences that you mentioned--all I really have to deal with is a body full of scars. The relief is momentary but the scars stay there forever. It’s a challenge…the everyday stuff like never being able to wear what I actually want to wear because I have to find a way to cover my scars. Dating…when guys show interest in me I feel like maybe I can be pretty but its false advertisement because if they really got to know me and see my scars they would not like me anymore. Sometimes the shame about the scars gets in the way though, and I just use it as an excuse to hurt myself more…like I’m already a mess so it doesn’t really matter anyway. I don’t want to resort to self-injury and drinking anymore so I’m really trying to learn better ways of dealing with things.

There is something else that I tried to do to help me feel better about all the scars....
I got a Black rose tattoo. It is very detailed and nice, everyone thinks so. However after one Tattoo, I had to have more. LOL. My reason for it was that it took away the attention from the burn scars. This has actually worked in it's own way.
i also got an eyebrow piercing. The best way to describe me is that i am overweight, 40, and have arms full of burn scars, half a arm , and wrist, fingers severely burned, and the other arm too, with one half a leg severely burned , and a stomach severely burned... Then the tats , one on each side of my neck, and on my right arm, there are flames, and little tats surrounding the flames, an Egale on my right forearm, and a small skull with bat wings , and also little black paw prints on each of my fingers, 9 paws on my left fingers, and 8 on the right, because of the burns there could not be more.
I am not just the average person, but I do not care, cause I stay inside most of the time anyway.
AND i typically wear a jacket, mainly because I am aneimic , and I don't want to show off all the tats and burns. AND when there are new si marks .
I am glad that you are not Si'ing or drinking anymore. That is wonderful.
i have not Si'ed since the last, severe one , becasue I am scared that once I start up again i will not be able to quit.
Malign,
That was a very nice thing to write about girls who SI. Often times the person does feel ugly and bad inside themselves, and Si is an outter expression of the internal pain one feels . Sometimes i feel like it is deserved punishment, or it is a way to feel alive again, bringing me back to reality. It is difficult for most people to separate the person from the scars themselves because it all goes from the way a person thinks and what is going on in their lives. The scars are only just the beggining of a whole mess of heartache and pain , anger, sadness, abuse, insecurity, relationships. Gee the list is endless.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the replies malign and mscat. Malign--what mscat said is true and I really appreciate your feedback, so thanks for writing. Mscat--I am actually still struggling with the SI and the drinking and I’m doing my best to avoid it but I’m having trouble coping with everything. I have thought about tattoos to cover some of the scars on my wrists but I don’t think it would fit with my style. I think that if I’m able to quit SI for good I’ll look into plastic surgery to reduce some of the scarring, even though I know what can be done is fairly limited.

I’m just trying to get better and I think that’s good because in the past I didn’t even possess the motivation to do that. I’m glad that I forced myself to look for help but doing it has been thoroughly anxiety provoking for me. I have been feeling strange lately. I was about to say that I have been feeling especially sad lately but I also have moments where I am so exited and talkative and I just keep on going even though I know I should shut up and its sort of odd because normally I’m really quiet. I need some rest and I would just like to be able to sleep but I’m still having a lot of trouble doing that and this week has been particularly bad.

[mscat]

I understand how difficult it is not to SI or drink. My Brother is a heavy drinker and when I dirnk with him I always over do it. SO, i try not to go over his house because I know he will want to drink and listen to music, and i know I do not know when to stop.... I have a lot of fun drinking and all , but it is not beer that I prefer. I don't like to drink alone either, but have plenty at home to do so.
PLastic surgery is a good alternative, however many surgeons will not do it unless one has full stopped the SI for a long time. They are concerned that it is a waste of time to cover up the scars of A si'er who is going to just do it again.
My scars on the left arm have finally startde to fade a little , but the surgeron skin graphed a part of the arm , that I was not thinking needed graphed. He did that at the same time as the stomach and hip area. I was miffed that he did the one on the arm, but it to,d me that SI was worse then I thought.
SI for me, has become extremely out of control at times. Seems like I have "mastered" A sickning skill. terrible forme even to write that down. But I do not understand fully as to why it has become this bad .
Some of the things I've done in the past has been to the extreme to myself. The Anorexia/Bulimia became life threatening . AND now that the ED is not taken over my life, I am now the total opposite, I am now A "big fat" person.
Oh well some might think i still have an ED cause my weight is not normal.
Seems like i can't ever get under control.
I am very glad that you are seeking help ! Yes, it is extremely anxiety provoking. However, once you start going a few times you will calm down and it will become easier.

[Lie_low]

So I’m going to my first therapy appointment tomorrow and I’m feeling sick with anxiety over it. I told him about the self-injury right off the bat because I knew I would just try to hide it like I did with my psychiatrist and not really get anything done. I’m sorry for the pointless post. I guess I’m just looking for encouragement because I’m afraid that I will say something stupid and feel like I need to hurt myself afterwards.

[mscat]

So I’m going to my first therapy appointment tomorrow and I’m feeling sick with anxiety over it. I told him about the self-injury right off the bat because I knew I would just try to hide it like I did with my psychiatrist and not really get anything done. I’m sorry for the pointless post. I guess I’m just looking for encouragement because I’m afraid that I will say something stupid and feel like I need to hurt myself afterwards.

Lie low,
Your so brave. This is NOT a pointless post. Were here for you, and I understand what you are going through in regards of self injury, and the urges to do so. How are you doing now? How was your first therapy appointment? The first appointment is always the most stressful. As many times and new therapists I've been to I've always had the butterflies in my stomach on the first visit.
These therapists have seen self injury many times in people, a lot , if that helps you feel any better. Self injury is common and I really do not believe A therapsit even flinches over it . SI is what it is, and it doe not mean the person is crazy or anything.
I'll tell you something, just yeasterday, I went to my Psychatrist, whi I had not seen in several months since a very severe self injury. He alsways asks me , any new burns? Well Yes, I say, then i like say your a doctor, cause they are medical docs too, so I lift the bottom of my shirt up a little and it is severely burned up, as bad as it can possibly get, my whole torso is like that, and well he looks away fast, says to me , it makes him sick, bodily fluids.... My injuries are healed no bodily fluids , but anyhow, sometimes even the most experienced doctors, can get a little yucked out .
They just don't know how to react .But, mine are severe injureies .
You probably had a fine session, and it went well :) I am proud of you , and i hop that you are relieved that it is over. Good job for going and making it through this hard step!

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat, (and for calling me brave) because I feel like a coward. It went ok. I couldn’t stop myself from fidgeting and I couldn’t get my anxiety under control. It seems like he understands self-injury pretty well. He did ask a lot of questions and it was difficult for me to answer them. I don’t know why, but when I tell someone something about myself that I am ashamed of, I want to hurt myself. And I pretty much dislike everything about me so “something” could be anything personal about me. I had a pretty good day at work, and I was able to be silly and laugh but I felt so disgusted with myself. I went home and cut myself because I couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid I am. I just want to move on.

[mscat]

Lie Low ,
Your not stupid ! PLease be nice to yourself , taking it out on yourself , feeling bad, self blaming, HUn, i know all of this too well myself, and it is very hard for me to tell someone else , NOT to SI, when I do the exact thing.
However, maybe If I can help you , it can help me by seeing it from a anther persons eye's , yet, we both have our own reasons why.
PLease take care of your cuts. You are not alone, and by no means deserve to be punished. Your a descent, sweet, good , person . you have done nothing wrong .
It is difficut to talk about yourself , especially when your feeling the way you do right now. I am glad you went to talk to a therapist, are you going back? the first time is always the hardest.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply mscat; you know I always appreciate it. My therapist emailed me and I told him about how I was feeling and now I feel better about the situation. I am going to go back because I’m really committed to getting better and I don’t know what else to do.

[Lie_low]

Sorry to bother anyone who reads by posting on my own thread yet again but I’m really feeling horrible right now and I don’t know what to do. I had a rough day at work. Running on little sleep and I got in a minor car accident yesterday that could have been prevented and was completely my fault. Despite my best efforts I’m a horrible driver and this was not my first accident. Why am I such an idiot some times? Yuck. I am really disgusted with myself. I don’t understand…I really try and I still mess up.

[malign]

Again, Lie_low, you're not bothering anybody. In fact, this thread is where I go to find out how you're doing. :-)

I'm sorry to hear about the car accident. Those are never fun. But, keeping in mind the word "accident", you can't afford to spend very much time blaming yourself. We all know where those kinds of thought end up.

It happened, and it sounds like no one was hurt. That's a reason to be thankful, to me. You and everyone else involved is in one piece. Please try to keep it that way? :-)

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply malign. I appreciate it because I can’t talk to anyone in real life about how I am doing so I don’t get any feedback about it. It helps to know that someone even notices or cares because sometimes it seems like nobody does, but maybe that’s my fault for keeping everything to myself (because you can’t really get any support if no one knows what you’re going through, but it seems impossible for me to actually tell someone when I’m struggling) …I don’t know. It’s just so difficult sometimes.

[malign]

I agree, the feedback is important, especially when you're depressed. Depression has a way of affecting a person's belief system, and if you never check yourself, you can easily jump to some strange conclusions.

You're telling us when you're struggling. That's a start. It's worth trying in person, too, when you feel up to it.

Have you thought about e-mailing your therapist about the accident and how it made you feel? Any accident is traumatic, and who knows, it might help.

And one of my favorite sayings:
"Life -- if it were easy, everyone would be doing it."

[Lie_low]

Thanks malign, and I like the quote. :) I do realize that I need more support if I’m really going to stop hurting myself. I think that you all know how difficult it is for me to talk to people because I have mentioned this before. Anyway…although it went against everything within me I somehow managed to tell my sister about what I’m doing to try to get better and she responded better than I could have ever imagined. She said how proud she was and how happy it made her that I wanted talk to her. I can’t believe I actually did that! Of course it was through email, lol. I actually told her that it was difficult for me to talk sometimes, and asked if I could email her sometimes when I’m feeling down. I don’t know why I had never thought about that before..Oh well.

[malign]

Hey, that's really great! Both that you reached out to someone and that it worked. And to find out that by talking to your sister, you may have made her day, on top of getting her support, that's just the icing on the cake. You might be surprised how many people you know have just been waiting for you to let them in.

As Mark and Allen point out, we learn about being people by relating to other people. Now, not every interaction will be positive; not every pair is "compatible". But that isn't the "fault" of either person; it doesn't mean one of them is "bad" or "stupid" or anything. It just means they should try again with different people.

Heh, when I start lecturing, it's probably because I'm trying to tell myself stuff that still doesn't come naturally.

[Lie_low]

Thanks for the reply Malign. So… having a strange day. My therapist wants me to go to SAFE Alternatives, a treatment center for self-injury. I think it would help me but I know that if I go I’ll have to tell my family and I’m afraid to because they don’t know I’m still cutting. And if I go I think people will find out, but maybe I should just stop thinking about what other people think and just get the help that I need. Maybe I hide too much. I have kind of been realizing how much I have lost from the self-injury and that it has gone on way too long, and that maybe I need extra help in stopping. I agreed to go the program because I can’t seem to get a handle on any of my behaviors. I feel out of control. At this point it actually seems appealing to be able to go to a place where I won’t be able to hurt myself, drink, or binge. I don’t know how long it will take to get in the program, but I do think that it might help me.

[finding my way]

Lie_low, can you tell us more about this program? We absolutely will support you. Would you be able to access the internet from where you would be? It's sure worth a try, from what you've said so far. I know it must be a tough step to take.

[Lie_low]

It’s a nationally known program, and it’s the only one of its kind that specializes in self-injury. The directors of the program have written a pretty well known book called Bodily Harm, which discusses self-injury treatment. I have read the book so I know what their treatment philosophy is. They also address body image and substance abuse problems, which appeals to me. I don’t know if I will have access to the internet but I will try to keep you guys updated.

[finding my way]

Let us know if you will be away from us without internet access. Some of us are worry warts:o (OK, speaking for myself). It sounds like a good thing to try.

[mscat]

It’s a nationally known program, and it’s the only one of its kind that specializes in self-injury. The directors of the program have written a pretty well known book called Bodily Harm, which discusses self-injury treatment. I have read the book so I know what their treatment philosophy is. They also address body image and substance abuse problems, which appeals to me. I don’t know if I will have access to the internet but I will try to keep you guys updated.

Are you going to go? there are a few of them around in different States. Your probably already aware that you have to sign a Contract , right?
I use to be in direct contact with Karen through Email once a week. She is the head Psych. And Author of that book you are referring to. I wish all the best, and hope that this program will help you recover. There is also a website fourm for Sier's through them. I use to post on there.

[Lie_low]

I hope that I will be able to go, but I haven’t even had an assessment yet and I don’t know if my insurance will cover it. I do know about the no-harm contract and I’m okay with that because I really want to move on and get better. I don’t want to self-injure anymore. I’m curious though, you were in contact with Karen, why didn’t you take part in the program? Were you unwilling to agree to the no-harm contract?

[mscat]

I did not take part in the program because there is not one in my State, and becausse I will not leave my son for that long of time. The no harm contract does not bother me so much as it does to go out of state and be so far away from my one and only child. I am a single parent, and he is autistic.
Are from that State where the program is offered? I thought the assessment was done over the phone?

[Lie_low]

That makes sense. I’m not a parent but I can understand how difficult it would be to leave your child for that amount of time. If I do go I will have to travel out of state to get there.

[finding my way]

Lie_low, what is happening for you now? Are you doing OK?

[Lie_low]

I’m doing fine, thanks for asking. I have been seriously trying to use other alternatives to self-injury and drinking. I have just been debating whether or not I should actually go to that treatment program. I’m having trouble making up my mind about it--caught between wanting to go and thinking it would help me but at the same time thinking that my problem isn’t that bad and not wanting people to find out about it.

[mscat]

I’m doing fine, thanks for asking. I have been seriously trying to use other alternatives to self-injury and drinking. I have just been debating whether or not I should actually go to that treatment program. I’m having trouble making up my mind about it--caught between wanting to go and thinking it would help me but at the same time thinking that my problem isn’t that bad and not wanting people to find out about it.

Lie Low,
The thing is, thinking that your SI is not that bad means that with the extra help your going to be able learn new ways of coping and use these skills so you will be able to stop the SI once and for all :) Won't that be great? Truthfully, your not going to ever want this Si thing to ever want to sneak back in your life ever again when your older. now is the perfect time to go into treatment. It really is nobody's buisness why you are going. I can understand the not wanting people to find out. SI is highly personal and I even try to keep it to myself as much as possible. I still think nobody needs to know about it .It is all about taking care of yourself. This is the perfect chance.

[Lie_low]

Thanks mscat. I still don’t know what I should do. I am feeling really horrible right now. I have been up since 2AM trying so hard not to give in and hurt myself. It’s just that I am so sad and I don’t know what to do. I just want to feel better.

[Lie_low]

I’m sorry to double post because I’m sure this is really boring. I don’t want to be rude or needy but I was hoping someone would reply to give me some encouragement. I guess I should have just asked for it directly. If I had anyone in real life to talk to I wouldn’t even bother to post, but I don’t. I keep everything to myself and I don’t know how to talk with people about anything personal, so it is especially hard for me.

[malign]

Oh, Lie_low, the only reason I didn't reply earlier is that I didn't know if it would help. Please try to hold on; I know it's hard. We're here, we're listening.

There doesn't have to be anything specific wrong, but if there is, can you tell us about it, maybe get it out of your system?

[Lie_low]

I guess the issue is that I have used self-injury and drinking to numb myself from what I am feeling. Now that I am trying to give those things up, I am overwhelmed by the painful emotions because I’m used to just distracting myself from them. I have been crying all day and that rarely used to happen.

I am listening to this song to cheer me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inNQTSnHTH4

[malign]

Mmm, sorry,

Work doesn't let me get to anything streaming, so I can't listen with you.

Do you have any other substitute coping methods lined up? Would it help to post about what's making you feel bad?

[finding my way]

Lie_low, what is bothering you today?:(

[Lie_low]

I don’t know why I’m feeling so bad. I’m trying to use exercise as one of my alternatives. I think I will go for a bike ride right now.

[malign]

Keep in touch ... well, I may have to go home eventually, but hang in there. I also remember a post some time back about things to do rather than SI, maybe it would help to look through that again.

You can beat this.

[finding my way]

I hope you get to see an animal on your ride. When you open to nature, I find there is always a response or a message in the things you see.

I got to hear your music video... thanks for introducing me to this group!

[Lie_low]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. I really needed the encouragement. Most of the time I feel overwhelmed by my problems--like I’m too weak to fight them. Finding my way, I completely agree with what you said about nature, I think that’s the reason that I look forward to riding my bike so much. It’s soothing to to just take everything in. And I’m really glad you liked the song!

[JustTrying]

Hi ... I rarely post in the self - injury section anymore because I am scared I will say the wrong thing.

I have a few scars that probiably only I can see. But I know the feeling. I sat here the other night wanting to cut soooo bad. wANTING TO "escape" from the world .. to have release. I didn't do it and I am sooo glad that I didn't. Summer is almost here. I just now healed enough where I can wear summer clothes and not cringe too much. That would look cute with scabs all over.

Why do we do harmful things to ourselfs??/ Not just cut, but also the drinking.. I do that too. FALL DOWN, HURT MYSELF AND DO CRAZY THINGS. Why would anyone purposelfully do that? I do not have the answers. But coming here and reading about it ( or the feelings) that others also feel the same sometimes help me.

I long to "Feel" like other people... you know the ones you see that seem like they have it all together..... What is funny is that there are some poeple that are actually "Jealous" of me.... of course they only see one side of my life.

People deal with things diffrently. Some become the class clown... some get drunk and cry.. some want to get angry and fight... some just pretend that life is honkey dorey and ignore life. But I can go on because I tell myself that EVERYONE has problems, issues or thoughts,.... maybe not the same as mine but that is life and it is something we can all survive.

When you first quit drinking... you are right .. the pain, the fears, the insecurities seem to be magnified. Make you or us want to run back to the bottle or the blade... but that is the easy way out. WE CAN DO THIS! Just like people in abusive relationships return to the abuser.( I n this case we are our own abuser) It feels safer. It is known. Fear of moving on and the unknown can be a terrible fear.

Hang in there. This will pass. right now it may not seem like it. Will the thoughts ever completely go away? I do not know but as you get stronger and learn new coping skills it will become easier.

Just My Humble Opionion....... JT

[mscat]

Lie Low,
I am sorry I had not see these latest replies:( And I really hope your in a better place now . There was a time that I was a crazy bike rider:) I did not not drive. Or know how to drive a car as an adult I really love to cycle. I'd jump on on my road bike. one that had special pedals that locked in my shoes . I would also ride for miles every weekend. And commute to work the same way. For me, I always could never do something just a litte bit. It was always to the extreme. ANd it was always to the daring. I took that bike up a mountain, and over enormous hills where their was very dangerous drivers speeding along beside me. (sigh) Those were the good old days....
Sometimes what happens when trying to stop one or two self destructive behaivors is that a person may pick up anther behavior to replace it. It is not on purpose either. This might be spending too much, driving too fast, eating too much, smoking, drugs, spending on things they do not need, gambling, I believe you understand what I am getting at.
The sadness that you were describing , to me seemed a lot like depression. Are you in therapy? Is there anybody supporting you and are you talking to anyone professionaly?

[Lie_low]

Thanks both of you for your replies. I am in therapy now. I have been honest with him about all of my problems with drinking and si only because I’m so desperate to move on and get better. I’m trying to be more open but so far the only people I can discuss my problems with are you guys and my therapist. I don’t feel safe talking to anyone in real life. the problem has been that I want so much to give up these destructive ways that I cope with things, but when I do, I feel like I can’t go on.

Mscat, I completely understand about taking things to the extreme and shifting one bad coping mechanism to another. That is something that I’m struggling with right now. My therapist seems to focus on me stopping the si, but I want to give up the drinking, si, and the binging on food. I am so overwhelmed because it has become a cycle that I can’t get out of. I hate my body. I would like to lose weight so that I won’t hate it so much. I think that I need to stop drinking in order to lose weight. When I stop drinking I tend to obsess about food and eat too much. When I eat too much I want to punish myself through self-injury. I don’t know how to break the cycle. I feel like its driving me nuts.

[finding my way]

Does it help to practice here giving voice to what is bothering you? Maybe if you can tell us about the difficult feelings you are having, it will get easier to say to someone around you that could be one of your support persons. You can practice saying the good feelings you are having too. :) We have both, even though sometimes it feels like the negative ones have more power.

[Lie_low]

It’s pretty boring really. Basically I feel anxious constantly and I can’t stop thinking that everything that I say and do is inadequate or stupid, even the things that I post here. I get so angry and frustrated with myself and I just want to quiet all the negative thoughts, but I can’t seem to drown them out.

I do have good feelings sometimes, like when I’m riding my bike or hanging out with my sisters or her nephews. Pretty often I laugh at work and that cheers me up. I try to be happy when I am at work and it seems to improve my mood. But then often times later on I am feeling just as miserable as I was before. It kind of confuses me because I don’t know why it happens.

[finding my way]

Lie_low, that isn't boring, and is certainly something I can relate too and so can others. I would call it burdened. You're bearing too heavy a burden and you can't find relief. When you are out in the world exercising or working, there is the sense of a better balance in the matrix around you, so the negative stuff isn't so dominate. Left to yourself that balance disappears, and the positive stuff in the scales evaporates tipping you way to the negative. Is there any way to unburden you of some of that weight-- the weight of harsh beliefs about yourself? Or, is there any way to create an environment within you that can hold on to the positive a little better when you are on your own? Do you feel hostile to positive things? Or do you feel unable to do anything about the negative parts of your life taking you over? Please do not be hard on yourself for talking about it. Can you see that we are all struggling here, and just trying to support each other?:o I am convinced a person really can't do this by themselves. For some reason we aren't made that way. Needing others is what damages us in some cases, but it is also what saves us. Go figure!:p

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way. You know its funny but my therapist has said the same thing to me, lol. I’m having a hard time because I’m supposed to work on being more open with other people, but when I share anything remotely personal (definitely not my self-injury because I can’t talk about that with anyone) I feel so embarrassed that I want to hurt myself or drink to get rid of the feeling. I don’t know. I guess that kind of a thing takes time to work on. Maybe it will become easier in the future. I sure hope so because otherwise I can’t see a way out of this mess.

[mscat]

Gosh, Lie Low

I re read your posts and a lot of what you write clicks... I say in my mind~ Damn > " I could have wrote that" There has not been many , if ever who Iv'e related that well to when it comes to SI .
my son has been on spring break this whole week. He goes back to school Tuesday. We have been butting heads. He throws tantrums every times he can't get his way. He has a form of autism with cognitive delays. He is going on 16 yrs old. The odd thing is that when young he was not temper tantrum thrower... Now he is becomming a brat, and he he bigger than me, stronger too. Louder, and more obnoxious. He goes off over the slightest thing... when he really wants to hurt me, he calls me crazy... I have no idea where he got that from. He does not know how painfuil that is to hear from my own child.
I've have had serious urges to SI , and can't wait to do so.. Actually i am looking forward to the relief SI brings. I need to finish off the arm where the SI was started before... That part is getting healed , so anther part needs to be accomplished. That arm has been Sie'd nummerous times , so many countless times, who knows how many for certain. Actually the SI of these particualr burns stay there for weeks , and it is ok. Even though of course it is covered it hurts , I will not go into detail, I'll just write that I can do this form of SI as much as I want to all over the place ... And thinking horrblie or not so horrible , on the face, left side of theface the whole side of the face exactly the same way too... Because there is this thing / the left side vrs the right Left meaning BAD> and the Right menaing Good It is a black and white thing One side is ok the other is not. I always had these visual images of the body being taken by and ax /being split straight down the middle .. Well anyway.. Enough of the visual imagry. :eek:

[Lie_low]

Ask yourself these questions:

What am I feeling right now?

What would my self-injury accomplish (other than temporary relief from painful feelings)

What would I be trying to communicate with my self-injury?

Do you really want another injury, more time in the burn unit? Time away from the son that you care for? Not to mention the impact it could have on you physically. This is coming from someone who understands and cares for your well being. I am not trying to be judgmental or harsh, I believe that you can make the better choice, and it does not involve self-injury. Remember the alternatives that we talked about? Now is the opportunity to use them.

[Lie_low]

I really hope my words were not taken the wrong way, MSCAT. I just really want you to get better and leave self-injury behind you. Stopping involves taking a look at the thoughts and emotions behind it, rather than focusing on the urge to hurt yourself. So rather than saying, “I feel like hurting myself right now” ask yourself “what is so overwhelming to me that I want to hurt myself in order to make it go away?” Maybe you are feeling helpless, angry, or overwhelmed? Focusing on the act of self-injury itself will not help you. And believe me; I know that is difficult, much of the time I have trouble knowing what I am feeling. Try using alternatives that may relieve some of the tension that you are feeling. It’s not the easy way out, like self-injury, but it will be the only way of putting this behind you and moving forward.

[mscat]

Lie Low, your words are not taken the wrong way at all... I know your trying to help me, and I certainly apreciate all of your kindness . What I am afraid of is when I SI ... Is that Your going to ... Well be pretty pissed after everything you have told me.. i'd like to let u know how come it is so difficult not to SI for Cathy: Because simply or oddly, it "feels so good to" Here's hoping this does not seem so twisted to u, from a Si'er yourself? It helps greatly, and it is so easy to accomplish , to me it is very very easy , just as putting on your shoes and socks. The burning sensation, when done correctly, will last for some time, which I seem to need that, it is undoubtly hard to explain, however, I than focus on nothing but the pain once it hits.. This is all I feel, and it feels good to feel it. I tell myself as long as I am not landing in the Critical unit it is ok to burn... At least this is not as severe as other times, than it is ok, becasue these times of self harm are rituals not the times where the SI is out of control and chemicals are being used.
I do understand what you have written and the distractions, and the ways where I could and should talk myself out of self harming... I have done these methods before. However, what happens, is that a lot of times this only prolongs the SI and it is only building up for more and more bigger SI , for anther time... The just wait , and waiting makes it intensify for me, getting stronger and stronger until it seems like it is going to explode like a baloon.
In all honesty I do not know when this self harm will stop yet. DBT is looking better and better by the day. Because when stressed the thoughts of self harming become even more hideous of what I ought to do. Yes it is a good idea DBT.
Thank You so much for all your support.

[Lie_low]

I’m glad to hear from you. I was afraid that I had said something wrong or offended you. Actually writing to you helped to keep me from self-injuring, because I felt like I needed to follow my own advice, lol. You mentioned that the distractions only prolong the urge to si. We need to learn new ways of coping with things so that we don’t act things out in self-destructive ways. This is something I’m still lacking. I struggle with staying in the present instead of getting bogged down by the mistakes of my past or my fears about the future. In that state of mind it is difficult to resist the urge to si, since another slip-up seems inevitable. One of the things I’m trying to learn is that urges will come and go, just like all other thoughts and feelings, and that I can be mindful of my feelings without being overwhelmed by them. An urge such as the urge to si is a signal that there is something in your life that needs attention. When we si we shut off the signal while never really addressing what is really going on.

[mscat]

Lie Low, How in the world did you become so smart? Your very intuitive. I wish I could write as well as you. As I read your posts, I shake my head in agreement. Thank you.
I have Sie'd this am.. And I'll shall be honest because it felt good. I hardly feel it. it's odd. It's a relief to SI, and I need it so badly at times. I have been discussing very serious issues in therapy the last two weeks every wed. morning. Last Wed. I did not feel better talking about the rape, this time, it was a relief talking about previous incidences so the therapist understood could have an idea just how much went on ~ growing up. The abuse, trauma since very , very young. It had to be told, he even said it was horrible. I am not even through telling him .. The SI was not from that though. It was from all the crap that needed to be let out from dealing with my special needs teenaged son for 10 days... Spring break. He's having tantrums , demanding, pounds on walls, runs off, and is bigger than I. Every little thing sets him off. When he does not get what he wants, he acts out, and takes it out all on me, name calls too. I am looking into Respite care right now. And I am going to have him go back into therapy too.
I've also had horrid thoughts of severe SI and what I ought to do. I have talked to the therapist about this. He understands fully, and now knows exactly why and where the SI is coming from. It is nice to have somebody know what has happened and everything, and be validated, However, now i am scared that one day I won't have him anymore to talk to. I run the risk of losing him. After trusting him with all of my crap.. He just knows that the SI is used as a reason to cope. Not a good way to cope , but it is to cope. He did tell me I need to cut off all ties with the "family" The family who raised me that is... The last SI is healing fairly well, and is halfway there, now the new burns are all blistered up , it's where i've si'ed so many times before... I just keep doing it over scars.. I'll wrap it up as soon as the blisters go down.

[butterfly29]

Hi.....

It is hard. I know all too well. I used to do SI a lot. Arms and legs. Now I am getting tattoos to cover up the scares because of all the stares and questions from people including strangers. It's embarrassing.

Have you been in Psycotherapy before? If it weren't for my T I would have never stopped SI. I owe him so much for all he has done for me.

My children were young when I did SI and I thought they didn't really know what was happening. I would tell them that Mommy had a boo boo. They are adults now and we talked one day about it and they knew exactly what was going on. Children are so smart and underestimated so often. I feel horrible that I put my children through such horror. For them is was horror seeing me all cut up.

Please if you haven't tried therapy, I urge you to go. Find out what is underneath the SI. Until you do and until you work on it, the SI will continue.

take care....
Butterfly

[finding my way]

Lie_low, how are you these days?

[Lie_low]

Hi finding my way. I know I have been pretty quiet lately. I seem to have been hit with a wave of sorrow. I have not felt this depressed in a long time. I’m still in therapy and trying my best to make changes and get better. I have been completely sober for a little over three weeks and I’m eating normally. Just trying to make my way out of the binge/starve cycle that I was in before. Using mindfulness meditation really helped me to get a handle on those two things. I’m still struggling with the self-injury. I just hope that eventually I will be able to leave it behind me.

[malign]

Hey Lie_low,

Good to hear you're still around. So what do you do when you get hit by a wave? -- Duck your head and let it pass over you. We're here if it helps to say something. I'm glad you're making some progress.

[Lie_low]

Thanks malign. I guess the wave does sound kind of silly. I know I will have my ups and downs. It comes with the territory. I am learning that part of getting better means that I have to work on tolerating painful emotions without feeling the need to act on them. In the past I did everything I could (mostly drinking and self-injury) to make those feelings go away. I can see that it was only a temporary fix that has left me with many scars. What I am doing now is much more difficult. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that it doesn’t seem worth it. I have trouble believing that I will be able to overcome these problems. I know I am making some progress, but I feel so stuck sometimes. I’m not giving up though.

[malign]

Nah, the wave doesn't sound silly at all. I know exactly what you mean. I just thought that extending the metaphor a tiny bit might help you through. I didn't mean to minimize it.

I think you're doing a great thing, something I'm not sure I'm doing: learning a new way to deal with stuff.

So, if there ever is a danger of giving up, you know where to find us.

[finding my way]

Hi Lie_low! Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. The work you are in the midst of is so very important. I'm sorry it hurts so much. This time it is not permanent though. It is not a cycle that just repeats. You are going through the painful step by step process of growing neuron by neuron, tiny bit by tiny bit of a new path, and pruning away some of the old pathways. It will never be entirely in your control, but if you keep going, it will be a path that can hold your weight and see you through good enough. Sometimes it is even profound. We are here for you.:o

[ASchwartz]

Hi Lie_low,

I am pleased that you are pushing ahead with therapy. No, it is not easy, especially when we hit those painful places. I want to assure you that therapy is not all painful. There are even times when it is fun, happy, etc. You know, its real life, yet, it takes place in an office.

Allan :)

[Lie_low]

Thanks malign, finding my way and Allan. Allan, it’s not really the therapy sessions that are painful. For the most part those are focused on the present and me learning to cope more effectively. And it really helps to have someone to support and encourage me in making these changes. It is the work outside of therapy (my everyday life basically) that is difficult. Until recently my self-destructive behaviors, coping mechanisms—whatever you want to call them, had pretty much taken over my life. Now that I’m relying on them less I have this empty space that I don’t know what to do with.

[Lie_low]

So it has been 19 without si. I’m feeling about as down as it gets. I feel as though I could cry but the tears never come. All that I am left with is this aching feeling that won’t go away. I know that if I hurt myself I could put a stop to it, but I don’t want to fall back into the same pattern. Just looking for some encouragement I guess.

[SweetSue]

Hi Lie low
Im so sorry that your feeling so awlfil at the moment,Have you tried any distraction techniques, i know it may not help you greatly but maybe it will take your mind off things for a while.
If its of any consolation, i think your doing a great job of fighting your urges of si. Try not to give up all your hard work, it gives the rest of us hope that we can fight it.
Sorry i know ive realy been much help just wanted you to know that your not on your own.
Take care
Jj

[Lie_low]

thanks. I am really struggling right now and it helps just to know that someone took the time to reply.

[finding my way]

Lie_low, I'm so sorry you are hurting :(. Can you tell us what is bothering you today? I know that being alone with yourself when you are in so much pain can really seal a person in.... even when we choose being alone, isn't it more because those around us just aren't able to understand or help? Or that's how it can feel anyway. Help us understand what you are feeling. We are listening. Maybe telling us will help you tell someone else someday?

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way. I don’t understand why I am feeling so bad. Sometimes I just hate my body and myself so much and I want to hurt it, to give it what it deserves for never being good enough. I’m sure that sounds really stupid and maybe messed up. Sometimes I feel like a lost cause. I just wonder how long I can keep on doing this (not self-injuring). It’s true that I only have a couple of people that I can talk to about the things that really bother me. (It used to be none so maybe I’m making some progress) it is just so hard.

[finding my way]

Ohhh, that's a very solid reason to be feeling bad Lie_low.:( It hurts to be hated........

Can you reach compassion ever for the part of you that is so hated?:o

Somewhere along the way you started thinking you were the enemy..... it is so hard, I know...... so hard to switch that around....

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way. It is just that I make the same mistakes over and over again. I get so mad at myself. So frustrated. It’s hard to find compassion. Yes my therapist has brought up being kinder to myself. It seems like I don’t know how. I feel so stuck.

[finding my way]

Can you accept our compassion for you while you are learning? Somehow it became so difficult to feel love for you just as you are. Often we can do that for others but not for ourselves. Somehow it is not OK for you to just be you in your mind. WELL, I want to live in a world, where being me is OK.... and in my world, it is OK for you to be you. Nope, we are not perfect. Can you see how others make mistakes over and over? Aren't they loveable anyway? Especially if they can still feel their heart, even though times are tough....

[mscat]

Thanks finding my way. I don’t understand why I am feeling so bad. Sometimes I just hate my body and myself so much and I want to hurt it, to give it what it deserves for never being good enough. I’m sure that sounds really stupid and maybe messed up. Sometimes I feel like a lost cause. I just wonder how long I can keep on doing this (not self-injuring). It’s true that I only have a couple of people that I can talk to about the things that really bother me. (It used to be none so maybe I’m making some progress) it is just so hard.

Lie Low , what you have written here, I have felt so many , many times myself . you are strong for not self injuring for a long time, good job! It is not easy at all fighting off the urges when hurting so badly.
Self hate is to me, a huge trigger, I understand so well this constant battle within. "never being good enough" Taking out on myself , punishing the bad part for screwing up.
i've done severe self harm several times regarding this , trying to get rid of the badness , and being numbed out so much not to even be able to feel anymore . Then just to be able to feel , feel something, is pain. Pain is a wake , Cathy.
I've blacked parts of my body to get rid of the bad , evil parts of myself. Causing severe burns , just to get rid of the badness> not advocating this measure AT ALL. Just sharing with you my personal experiences with not being good enough , connected to myself, or body. Trying to cleanse out the badness, the wrong way .
I am sharing this with you , soyou may know you are not alone. Not alone in the struggles of the fight to understand that we are ok just who we are.
I am not one to give advice in this matter of si, becasue I struggle with it too, just know that I feel for you,and understand. It is not stupid , or messed up. These are your feelings, and thoughts. Nothing is stupid from feeling the way you do.
cathy

[Lie_low]

Thanks Cathy and finding my way. Today--trying to fight off the urges--it has been rough. I understand Cathy, (about hating yourself, and wanting to punish yourself) and somehow I do feel better knowing I’m not alone in that. I have made it this far, maybe I can make it through another day without si. thanks.

[mscat]

How are you doing today Lie Low? hope thigs have settled down for you, and your ok. Contuning the fight to not give in to the urges of Self Injury is a real struggle. your doing very well for yourself.
cathy

[Lie_low]

Hi Cathy, thanks for asking. Still feeling a bit down today. Pushed to my limits. I guess you don’t realize how much you rely on something to cope until you go without it for awhile. I got into a little argument with my sister, and that rarely happens. I guess not injuring is making me a little irritable? Anyway I just got back from riding my bike around the neighborhood for about an hour. I used to avoid riding at night because I thought it was too unsafe, but maybe it’s still better than injuring? I don’t know, none of my other alternatives work quite as well. It helped me to bring things down a bit.

[SweetSue]

HI LIE LOW
ITS GREAT YOU DOING SO WELL ON YOUR DAY COUNT. 20 DAYS WELL DONE.
I KNOW ITS NOT EASY FOR YOU, BUT KEEP UP THE DETERMINATION TO NOT SI , IT GIVES THE REST OF US HOPE, THAT WITH A LOT OF WILL POWER AND DETERMINATION WE CAN REACH OUR GOALS.
TAKE CARE
Jj

[Lie_low]

I just have this knot in my stomach that won’t let me be. I don’t even know why I am feeling like this. I honestly can’t think of any reason. I just wish that I could make it go away—this familiar feeling. I hate how I can sometimes throw away all my hard work in a moment of weakness. I’m weak right now and I’m afraid that I’ll give in and screw things up again, just to feel better. and I imagine the how disappointed I would be with myself if I did give in. but still I wonder why I even try, my body is full of scars anyway, and no one even knows that I’m injuring anyway. Therapist wants me to reach out to others when I am feeling bad and to call him before I act on the urge to si, but I have never been able to do either of those things because I’m too embarrassed. Yep, I’m that much of a loser. I feel so stuck. So I guess I’ll go for a bike ride. It seems to work better than anything else. I guess there is nothing left to do but try.

[Lie_low]

oh dear. i forgot to mention that nobody said giving up si would be easy. one foot in front of the other, right?

[SweetSue]

HI THERE LIE LOW
YOUR RIGHT NO ONE SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE EASY .
KEEP UP THE DETERMINATION, AND HARD WORK, WERE ALL BEHIND YOU .
YOU ARE NOT A LOOSER
FAR FROM IT ,ALL THIS HARD WORK YOUR PUTTING IN IS PROOVING TO YOURSELF AND SHOWING EVERYONE WHAT A WINNER YOU CAN BE AAND ARE
STAY STRONG
TAKE CARE
Jj

[malign]

Meredith, nothing about being embarrassed makes you a loser. Plus, you reached out to us! That's something.

I hope you feel better.

[Lie_low]

Thanks. I want to let you guys know that I appreciate the encouragement. It really does help.

[finding my way]

What are you listening to these days, Lie_low?:)

[Lie_low]

Well, since you asked…:)

A fine frenzy—coming around (the new album came out last Tuesday!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbelJngvHvc

Adele—right as rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5DMmOLkLQI

The Killers—the world we live in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-plLIxHMsI

Coldplay—everything’s not lost (I realize this one is old, but I just now realized how wonderful it is, and I use it to cheer up)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhfKkF6sgNA

Duffy—Warwick avenue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ5-L9znt8

[finding my way]

I love it when you share your music:) Are you a dance fan? I love this one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZ_lr3P8b9g

How are you doing with you today?

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding. I will listen to it on by bike ride today. :) I’m removing the ticker from my signature because unfortunately (and I’m ashamed to admit it because you guys have been so supportive) I gave in and hurt myself the other day so I would say that I’m feeling pretty horrible and helpless at the moment. I’m not giving up though guys; I want to stop hurting myself. On the bright side soon my therapist will be doing a group for self-injurers so I’m hoping that will help me work on stopping and maybe finding other people who I can turn to when I’m trying to fight the urges.

[finding my way]

It's a dance routine, so ya gotta watch (or not :)). I know things are challenging for you right now. A support group sounds like a very good idea. Some of these things are so ingrained and go so far back that we absolutely need other people to help us through it. Hey, have you been cooking or sewing lately? Weren't those hobbies, or was it cooking not sewing :confused:. I do sewing not cooking :p

[mscat]

Thanks finding. I will listen to it on by bike ride today. :) I’m removing the ticker from my signature because unfortunately (and I’m ashamed to admit it because you guys have been so supportive) I gave in and hurt myself the other day so I would say that I’m feeling pretty horrible and helpless at the moment. I’m not giving up though guys; I want to stop hurting myself. On the bright side soon my therapist will be doing a group for self-injurers so I’m hoping that will help me work on stopping and maybe finding other people who I can turn to when I’m trying to fight the urges.

lie low,
Trying to overcome SI is a struggle, and sometimes their will be slip ups. Falling down, pick yourself up, clean up your injuries from the fall, and began again.
Recovery is not easy, and not always going "cold turkey" is possible. I have talked to many people about trying to stop SI. It is so difficult because we have used this as a coping method for so long. That when things become overwhelming the urges to SI start coming up , the more stress , the more their is an intense desire to self injure.
Start the ticker over, and keep going again. I think it is an excellent idea to joining a support group for Sier's ! Is this going to include DBT? This is the most effective method right now, for Sier's , I know it is taught in a group support setting. I have not tried that, because I am a grouch, and don't like to be around groups of people or people much in general .
However, I've recieve info about DBT , and know others who have benifited from it .
I will be supporting u on your journey to recovery. I am proud of you. Look how far you made it! Don't get to hard on yourself for the slip up . I know sometimes after the slip up, sier's trying to stop feel terrible and guilty . Making SI again harder to fight off. take care of your wounds, and enjoy your bike ride. :)
cathy

[Lie_low]

Thanks Cathy and finding my way. It was actually my idea to start the support group because I was feeling so stuck and alone in this struggle and really frustrated that there were not any si support groups anywhere near where I live. I don’t know if my therapist will include DBT skills in the group, but I think that sounds like a great idea!

[Lie_low]

Since I have not been around here in quite awhile I thought that I would give you all an update. I have been injury free for two months and sober for three months. It is very hard work! The self-injury support group is going well. It has helped me to open up to others for the first time in my life and I’m grateful for that. I started a different antidepressant two months ago and it has made such a big difference. I feel better than I have in a very long time, maybe ever. I was very skeptical about medication because I had already tried three antidepressants, with little to no effect and plenty of unpleasant side effects. I’m so glad that I gave it another shot! Because this time it’s really helping. But I’m feeling down today. I have been thinking about my scars. I am filled with regret. And I wish so much that I could erase them from my body. It would be so much easier to move on.

[finding my way]

Those are awesome gains, Lie_Low!!!!! Congratulations!!!:D I've been wondering how you were!!!!!!! :)

[Lie_low]

Thanks finding my way! I really want to thank you and everyone who encouraged me to seek help when I first came to this community looking for advice. Deciding to finally get help for my problems was one of the hardest, but also one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Thanks everyone for your support! It really means a lot to me!:)