Help??

[xxsmartyy]

I guess I just need a push in the right direction..
I’m 21yrs old. And every normal child had an imaginary friend. I know I sure did.
Funny thing was, mine was my shadow. And lame enough, the name was shadow. Ha.
Now, I am 21 and from the time I first started noticing Shadow thru now, I still have her.
Though now she isn’t my shadow, she’s just there, I guess, in my head. There is no presence of her, she has no figure, no shape, no appearance, I just talk to her. And what causes me to worry is A. I’m 21 but B. I sometimes respond for her. Like I will ask myself something, and in my head she will respond for me, it’s my voice and I am the one doing it, but it’s like I believe she is really there.
On top of her though, my other concern was my paranoia. I have such paranoia. I constantly think others are doing me wrong. For example one night I had two friends bail on me, and I was convinced that both bailed on me to hang out with each other. Even though one still tells me to this day he was in jail and the other tells me she was home alone all night, I don’t believe it. I just can’t. I always believe the worst. If someone says they’ll call and they don’t. I assume it’s something against me. I never think it’s because they are busy or anything. People at work, if they are whispering to each other, it’s about me. Even people I don’t know, I assume everyone is speaking the worst of me. It seriously interferes with my life. I cannot control it. I have no control, once the thought occurs my life is controlled by that one thought.
And I guess I just need a push into the right direction, what is wrong with me…?

[finding my way]

Well I'm not a doctor, but I can relate to being overly sensitive. Like when your sense of self is all swollen and irritated, and any little comment or event fans the fires of inflamation.

I used to call myself the shadow eater! I had a sixth sense for people's unconscious motives, and when I walked in a room, that's what I would absorb from people, to the point of exhaustion. Others would be all laughing and enjoying their small talk, and I could see right through it to what was "really" going on, or so I thought.

I think what was happening for me was my mind was being hypervigilant so I could anticipate anything negative before it happened and be forewarned. The worst thing was to be caught off guard. My poor marining ego! I didn't know any better and I wore myself right out.

As for an imaginary friend, I have a friend with one and he is in his 50's. He had a very difficult childhood and is extra sensitive himself. I would never want his imaginary friend to go away-- it is the very best side of him.

[silentmist]

Hi smarty :)

I think thats really cool ... an imaginary friend thats your shadow. Imaginative.

Does your paranoia centre around any particular themes? ... I'm paranoid about woman thinking I'm so ugly that they can't even look at me. It gets so bad that I often live a life where I don't go out or do anything. I was wondering what thoughts the paranoia manifests.

Merry Christmas:D

[xxsmartyy]

it doesnt really revolve around anything to be honest.
just anything.
i just feel like if something goes wrong, a friend doesnt show up for example, its not because something came up, its because they didn't want to see me in the first place.
or people talking in whispers, its about me.
the other night for example, went to visit a friend, we have a common ex, and all the way there, i was hesistant because I was convinced that he was there and they were going to hurt me.
My mind controls my thoughts to the point that i think everyone is against me, I mean its how it is to me. Everything goes wrong because everyone wants to hurt me.
Thats my theory.
Like Finding My Way mentioned, its like I expect the worst so I can't get hurt.
So I'm not caught off guard...
I don't know. It's seriously exhausting. And I'd give anything to get it out of my head, but I've been like this for so long, I don't even know a life without it...

[finding my way]

smarty, what does shadow say in those times when you're taken over with negative thinking?

silentmist, didn't you know it's men that are into the visual? Women are critical about how they look themselves, but when it comes to being attracted to a guy we are muuuuuch more interested in how the guy regards us personally and emotionally than what they look like. It's such a set up I tell ya! How does it ever come out right? :p Everybody's worrying about the wrong things. According to science, it's how we smell that clinches the deal. Not perfume, your individual smell. Have you heard that?

[xxsmartyy]

finding my way...
usually the voice, which happens to be my voice, lol.
agrees with me.
but the voice doesnt talk so much, as she listens. i dont get very many responses, she just listens alot. but she knows what i am thinking when it comes to the paranoia and never disagrees that what i am thinking is wrong.
i made an appointment for the therapist on january 10th..

[finding my way]

Happy Holidays to you and shadow, smarty! Let us know how the therapy goes...

[xxsmartyy]

Happy Holidays to you and shadow, smarty! Let us know how the therapy goes...

I appreciate the comment towards 'shadow' but its not necessary. shadow isnt a person of any sorts. so need to direct anything towards 'shadow'
its just a voice, my voice, in my head.
so please, for my sake, dont acknowledge 'shadow' like a person.
im sorry if that comes off rude, but thank you =]

[finding my way]

no offense taken;) Sorry to overdo it!

[xxsmartyy]

but i will surely keep posted once i start going to therapy =]
like today was annoying, this morning
i went to starbucks and always get soy chai no water.
well in my head once i got to my car i was asked 'why do you always get no water'
i responded, out loud 'if i had the money i'd get one and you could take the difference'

i didnt like that at all.
talking back to the voice.. this isnt supposed to be my life.

[finding my way]

well let's see what the doctor says. Meanwhile, are you able to find anything that's calming for you, that gives your mind a break?

[xxsmartyy]

ha there isn't much at all that gets my mind off things.
except sleep.
which i am sure my mind is still on things, but i dont remember my dreams.

[finding my way]

What kinds of things do you like to do?

[xxsmartyy]

i didnt go to the therapy appt.
i couldnt do it.
i refuse to be that person again.
for this year im learning to come to terms with who i am.
and the past 10 days, thru the stress of my mom, things seem to be better.

[finding my way]

Hi xxsmartyy, so the stress of your mom is making things better? I'm not sure what that means, but I do hope things are better for you.:) Let us know how it goes.

[xxsmartyy]

well i messed up on that one.
i basically meant BESIDES all the stress about my mom, i'm doing good lol.

but i do have a question. i have this annoying habit where my hands have to be moving at all times.
i mean ill go to peoples desks at work to ask them a question and i'll pick up something off their desk subconciously because i need to doing something.
is there anything i can do about this??

[finding my way]

Hi xxsmartyy! Could this be you, do you feel that on the inside you are going 80 mph while on the outside the world is going maybe 40mph? Or, fidgety hands could be a nervous habit. Either way, I'd venture to say that your body requires an outlet for your extra energy. Is gum appropriate at work? Can you give yourself movement breaks to walk around? Sipping a sports bottle could help. Can you take the stairs sometimes?

[xxsmartyy]

it's not like that at all.
it's not like chewing gum solves the problem.
my HANDS need to be doing something.
i sit there on calls at work and doodle, I talk to coworkers at their desks and my hands fidgit with random stuff.
Chewing gum won't help because it's not my hands.
Walking won't help because it's not my hands.
Sipping water doesn't help because it doesnt involve my hands really.
It's frustrating heh

[finding my way]

xxsmartyy, I hear you. Just let me tell you where I'm coming from. I work with kids who have to be busy with their hands, and it is from being overstimulated. The thing that works for them (and for adults) is to work the large muscles of the body (including the mouth) to send a message to the lower brain centers to regulate the entire system. I know it sounds weird, but it truly does work for some to fix fidgety hands by working the legs or mouth. I am not saying it will work for you, I just mentioned it in case it would.:)

[xxsmartyy]

yeahh.. gum won't work.
i get bored too easily with gum.
and like .. 2mins into chewing it, i throw it out.

[finding my way]

Just curious, what do you fidget with when you're at your own desk? Do you have busy hands at home?

[xxsmartyy]

it's a constant, work was just an example.
no matter where i am, i am touching/doing something.
always.

its why i text like crazyy

[ASchwartz]

Hi xxsmartyy,

Did you go to a visit with the therapist and decide not to go back or is it that you never went? I was wondering why you said you would never go back? You know, you did say that you sometimes think in "paranoid" ways. Did you think that way about the therapist?

Smary, can you tell us more about yourself, ie: brothers, sisters, what it was like growing up, what was school like, etc?? Of course, answering is up to you but I was thinking that it could help us understand you better.

Allan:)

[xxsmartyy]

IDK.
i can go into some detail.
i'm the youngest of five.. sorta..
i have a twin sister, but she's older by 5mins. when we were younger she'd treat me like i was 5yrs younger, not 5mins.
my parents are still together but for as long as i could remember, my dad wasnt around often, worked two jobs. leave before i woke up, come home after i was asleep.
he had a tendency to forget about me. would go buy dinner for the family and forget to buy food for me type thing.
i never trusted him. and because of this, i have a lot of trusting issues.
but i had a normal childhood. friends, etc etc. school was school i was just glad to graduate and finally get out of it.

and i never went to the therapist because i dont feel like being put in that position again.
i hated being on medication. i hated having them jot down notes about you. i just hate being hte center of attention.

[finding my way]

xxsmartyy! I didn't know you were a twin!!! Doesn't that explain your imaginary friend? The twin phenomenom holds many mysteries.:)

[xxsmartyy]

.............................(etc)
and how in the world would my twin sister explain my stupid 'shadow' thing

[finding my way]

Just from what I've read about twins, there are some pretty interesting phenomenon stemming from that extremely close association to the twin in utero and out while you were developing your personality. Shadow is a little like having a twin, only inside your head. That's all!

[xxsmartyy]

two words -- highly doubtful.
i'm sorry but if you met my sister and i we're only twins because share the same birthday.
she doesnt even look my sister.
most of the 'twin' things relate to identical, we came from two serparate eggs.

[finding my way]

OK, it was just a thought. How are you btw?

[crystalr0w3]

HI xxsmartyy, the one that you are doing is a self-talk which is also considered normal and healthy. It's like expressing yourself and a form of venting out. About your paranoia, you have to seek a professional help to recommend you medicines to cure it.

[ASchwartz]

Hi XXSmartyy,

One of the things that strikes me or stands out about your responses to each member, is that you seem so sure of yourself. Some examples?

Well, you report that your twin is not an identical twin and therefore is not a twin at all. Not correct. You two are fraternal twins and, like all twins, identical and fraternal, you impacted on each other in ways you, right now, have no clue about.

Another example is how you dismiss psychotherapy by stating that you do not want to put yourself in the position again. Not correct. Why? Because, everday and in every way, you feel in that position. Examples are what you are referring to as your paranoia. From the little of I know of you, I suspect that you are not paranoid but quick to believe that people do not like you. That is what you must of felt when your father forgot about you: not wanted, not liked.

I strongly urge you to seek psychotherapy so that you can overcome these issues. The therapy can be Cognitive Behavioral or Psychodynamic, with a good therapist who focused on the "here and now," and on the developing relationship between you and the therapist.

I am always aware of not wanting to be misinterpreted as critical when I write these postings and, so, I want you to know that is not my intent. I firmly believe that therapy can really help you. What you are up against is not paranoia but you anxiety, your fears that you will be judged and not liked.

What do you and the others think about this??

Allan :)