I need help to find out what i am...

[Scared and Confused]

Sorry about my bad english... its not my first language...
I'm a 18yold guy and i've got no clue of what i really am...
Let me try to explain.. I've had a male friend since i were a kid, and when i was 13/14 i started feeling differently for him.. The weird part is that it had nothing to do with sex.. I don't know why, but i felt a different kind of love for him.. I felt such a strong need to protect him, to hold him in my arms, that i became some kind of overprotective friend (??)... Then i started feeling jealous of him when i were 15yold.. Everytime i saw him with a girl or some other friend that i hadn't met before i felt as if i had to grab his arm and take him away from them.. When we were 16yold i was convinced that i was in love with him, even though i had never had any sexual interest in him or in any other boy, so i told him i loved him! I was crying real hard.. He was really chocked.. He stopped talking to me that day and he missed the following 3 days at school.. I got so worried, i thought he might had done something stupid... Luckily he didn't.. After that we didn't speak for about 6 months.
I was crushed. After this 6 months, when it was his birthday, i called him and he spoke as little as he could, but spoke.. Now i try to look back and i can't figure out if i'm (or was) gay and if i did something wrong...
Please help me, what am I?

[sharrpa]

You are an 18 year old boy who loved his childhood friend. You didn't have sexual urges but you wanted to be his primary friend.

That doesn't really mean anything, considering your age at the time. Some people have intense friendships. Female friendships, especially, are often love relationships. Many non-American cultures celebrate family-like relationships with friends. Are you from one of those cultures?

I'm sorry to tell you that you can't decide "what you are" from that one incident. Love can't define your sexuality. Sometimes even sexual arousal can't even define that. If you find yourself wanting to spend your life with someone who feels the same way, then that is what you are. Part of a loving relationship. No labels.

[JulianP]

Hi,

Welcome! Thanks so much for your honest and heartfelt post. No need to apologize for your english. Your post was very clear. Without knowing a lot of details about your life, it sounds to me that you may just have to detangle this specific confusion around your relationship with your friend. It is so common for us, especially as young teenagers, to look to people for things that we feel we aren't getting from anyone else - or to want to offer things to people that we would like offered to ourselves. On its own teenage years are a very confusing time in our lives. As sad as it is, I think often people lose friendships around that time. I know I did. I had two best friends - from two different towns - one from where I lived most of the year and attended school - and the other from where my family had a summer cottage. Each of my best friends and I were inseparable during the time of the year we had with each other, but that ended when we got to around the age you speak of 14/15 ish. It was a really lonely and confusing time in my life. Among other things, there were definitely confusing sexual/experimental issues within the dynamics of each of our friendships which led to the separations.

It sounds to me that you are flexible in your approach to this, which I think is admirable and will best serve you. In other words, it sounds as if you are undecided in terms of being homosexual or heterosexual or bisexual, which as strange as it might sound, is a healthy place to be. No sexual identity can geuninely be determined based on a painful, confusing, and unresolved issue. You are still very young and have many experiences ahead of you which will lead to a more solid discovery of who you are.

What did you discuss with your friend when you called him on his birthday? Did you speak about the time you told him you love him? Do you have any thoughts of what were behind the tears or jealousy/possessiveness or your "over protection" of him.

Someone once told me that the best way to interpret dreams is to interpret every character in your dream as a different part of yourself. I think sometimes that can be a good start in gaining understanding in certain real life experiences, too.

The reason I say this is perhaps you can identify what you saw in your friend that required your protection and see if it applies to a vulnerability within yourself. And also what were the genuine feelings in you which led to feel possessive or jealous?

It seems that at some point, not necessarily now, once you figure some things out, it may serve you to have a discussion with him to undo any negative residue, (for yourself or him) if there is any, from the time you told him you love him. Both of you deserve to clean the slate, so to speak. And it wouldn't hurt to experience your own ability to face a situation and turn things around for yourself as well as contribute toward someone else's ability to do the same.

I very much look forward to hearing more from you. Also, feel free if you need any clarification - for reasons of my skills in english or my skills in reflecting something worthy of your humble, honest, and quite endearing post.

Peace,
JP

[Scared and Confused]

Sorry i took so long to answer, it is hard to have some privacy in my house..
I don't think i can thank you enough.. Really, i was worried about this whole "who am i" stuff, but you made me feel much better.. I'm from Brazil, by the way.. I just had the patience to learn english by myself.. JP, thank you for trying to help, your comment was really kind, put a smile in my face.. I was so afraid to tell this to anyone.. If only everyone in Brazil were as understanding as you are.. People here have "closed minds" about this kind of doubt.. They would probably just say i'm gay and ignore anything else.. About the phone call you asked, i didn't have the courage to bring back that subject.. I guess i'm not that mature.. :/
Thanks again!
Paulo (no reason to hide my name anymore)