Add your one-liner here

[Jetliner]

Got this one from a movie and I just love it!

Guy said this in response to someone saying she was a vegetarian:

"If God didn't want us to eat animals, He shouldn't have made'em outta meat!"

Sorry but, that just kills me!

[Nicolec]

> An elderly gentleman....
> Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor
> and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
> allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
> The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
> said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that
> you can hear again.'
> The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
>
> I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
> three times!'
> _____
>
> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
> under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old
> now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How
> do you feel?'
> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
>
> 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'
> _____
>
> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,
> the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a
> new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very
> highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of
> that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
>
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
> and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
> night?'
> _____
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
> However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
> already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
> insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
> the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>
> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
> out of her hospital gown.'
> _____
>
> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
> they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
> 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure..'
> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
> asks.
> 'No, I can remember it..'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
> down, so as not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
> strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
> down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
> cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
> returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
> She stares at the plate for a moment.
>
> 'Where's my toast ?'
> _____
>
> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
>
> 'Because she can still drive!'
> _____
>
> Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
>
> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
> _____
>
> A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
> me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
> 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
>
> 'Twelve thirty..'
> _____
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
> gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
> really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
> cheerful.''
>
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
> be careful.'
> _____
>
>
> One more. . .!
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he
> ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Nicolec]

TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

[Jetliner]

Ummm... title of this thread is, "Add your one-liner here," not one HUNDRED! Hehehe!!!

Just bustin' ya Nicole! VERY funny!

[Nicolec]

Just try arresting me from thousands of miles away!

You'll never find me! (kehehe!)

[Nicolec]

Just thought I'd add another 'one-liner (50 liner!)'

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Macdonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.



2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St..Thomas's Bath .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp..

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr.. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.



7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!

[Jutias]

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

[Jutias]

Why do blondes like lightning...they think someone is taking their picture.

How did the blonde burn her nose...bobbing for French fries.

How did the blonde die drinking milk...the cow stepped on her.

Sorry.......my wife is blond so its ok....I guess....well maybe not

Mike

[Jutias]

Two old men decide they are close to

their last days and decide to have a
last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the
local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two
old geezers and whispers to her manager,
'go up to the first two bedrooms and put
an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunk, i'm not
wasting two of my girls on them. They
won't know the difference.'
the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,
'you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'
'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?' 'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

[malign]

Definition of technologically challenged:
Thinks "peer-to-peer networking" is two guys chatting at the urinals.